Episode 34: What Have You Done?!

I saw it last night and couldn't believe it. Shawn Michaels has completely let his obsession with facing The Undertaker at WrestleMania XXVI take him to a whole new level.

History Montage of HBK vs. Undertaker

I have to hand it to The San Antonio Native, he did everything he could and pursued every legal channel in the WWE to do it. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. He lost at the Royal Rumble. His road to WrestleMania has been overrun with frustration and dead ends. The Heartbreak Kid even went as far as dissolving D-Generation X, leaving his partner Hunter Hearst Helmsley without half of a team that was pure rebellious comic genius before they became a couple of pitchmen. At The Elimination Chamber Pay Per View, Shawn Michaels did what I thought no one could or would do. Inside Satan's Structure, during Undertaker's match with Chris Jericho, Michaels entered what I once thought was an impregnable and unforgiving circle of hell. Undertaker got a taste of Michaels' boot, costing him the World Heavyweight Title to Chris Jericho.

No doubt about it, the next night on WWE Monday Night Raw, he had The Undertaker's full and undivided attention.

For the first time ever, I thought Undertaker would bring back The Casket Match or The Buried Alive Match and bury Michaels once and for all. Undertaker didn't enter the ring with his trademark hat and duster this time. He entered as I remembered him at his most lethal. He had taken on the Lord of Darkness looked.

Messing with The Undertaker is a lot like injecting a bull with steroids and shoving chopped up meth under his nose, wearing a red suit, kicking it in the balls and then giving it the finger while wearing a leather jacket...it's just something no one does unless you have a death wish.

The Heartbreak Kid explained that Undertaker had left him with no choice but to go to the lengths to which he had gone just to get his match. Looking at Shawn Michaels in the face, I saw something I'd never seen before...sadness and desperation. Michaels has a reputation for being a showman but the montage that was featured of all of the frustrating failures leading up to this moment was just as the look on his face suggested...heartbreaking. For anyone who's ever reached up, scraped, climbed, pulled and suffered for that one moment in the sun only to have it denied you no matter how you did your best, that was the look on his face. He was out of time and didn't know what else to do.

The Deadman towered over Michaels and didn't say a word. I'd seen that demonic calm over Undertaker before...and it never ended well.

After explanations were over, The Undertaker accepted. There was only one condition...Michaels would have to put his soul on the line. Undertaker clarified further. HBK's wrestling career is his heart and soul. To lose it would devastate Michaels. Michaels is already being eaten alive by the mistake at Wrestlemania XXV that cost him the victory in his match against The Deadman last year...a mistake that leaves Undertaker's Win Streak for WrestleMania a cool 19 wins. Michaels believes with his whole heart that he can end the streak but, as Undertaker put it, The Streak is being put on the line...and so is HBK's career.

"You don't get it?!" Michaels said, "If I can't beat you...I don't have a career."

A series of images flashed in my mind. Sure, Michaels has beaten Undertaker before and has been left a bloody mess afterward. At Badd Blood '97, Shawn Michaels was barely conscious after a stunning defeat. It took Hunter Hearst Helmsly and Chyna to help him out of the ring. He had defeated the Undertaker but not without help from Kane and definitely not without Undertaker taking HBK on a grand tour of the Ninth Circle of Hell.

In that moment with Undertaker, either I heard HBK's voice crack or certain fear escape him when he finished his quote with "You're On."

Undertaker Accepts HBK's Challenge

Shawn, I have mad respect for you as a showman and a wrestler. Still, let's face facts here. You've been plagued with back problems and I sense they haven't just gone away. You've gone through your own personal hell since the Slammy Awards Challenge was thrown out there. You've always proven to me and other wrestling fans out there that you'll always give us our money's worth when it comes to giving us, not just a match, but an experience. Shawn, it's with that that I say...what the hell have you done?! I think I've illustrated what a bad idea this is. I hope you know what you're doing.

Shawn, listen to me very carefully. Don't take this the wrong way...retire after this WrestleMania. If you break the streak, I'm not sure that you'll be in any shape to continue. Remember that this is a perfect streak of WrestleMania wins and Undertaker now knows that you will do whatever it takes to see that streak ended...he's going to put you through Hellfire, Brimstone, Armageddon and Judgment Day to see that that does not happen. On the flipside of that same coin, you don't want your career ending in a loss. You want to go out on top. I get that. If you break the streak, just retire. Go live your life. You've provided this fan with more fond memories both as a hero and villain than I could have ever asked for. Break the streak, go home and go spend some time with your family and your ministry. They need you more than I do.

Undertaker, same thing...retire after this one. If your streak remains unbroken, there's no reason to do anything other than to leave a hugely tough act to follow. I don't think anyone else could ever claim 20 wins at WrestleMania. Twenty fuckin' years of WrestleMania wins? Nah...not even nineteen. It would take too long and I doubt the young punks that are up and coming are hardcore enough to last that long in the business. If Michaels breaks your streak, hey, it just goes to show you one thing; You Can't Win 'Em All.

Both of you, many of us in the WWE Universe are thinking of this one as Clash of The Titans meets Armageddon. It's gonna be epic in scope and we're expecting all-out war. What we're not expecting is for the two of you to keep doing it. There are younger guys there now. There's a whole new generation ready to take it up and guess what? You guys have to pass the torch sometime.

Undertaker, I have to say this, congratulations on setting the bar so high that the only way to beat it is by being impervious to suffering.

Shawn, it's high time to let the screams of adulation become a memory. Hold onto it as we hold onto your performances. With this recent turn of events...I just hope you know what you're doing.

I don't have a prediction for this match. I won't try to bullshit you with one, dear readers.

Give 'Em Hell, Guys...

Episode 33: Ridicule And Laughter

Warning: The information contained within this particular blog may shock you and even offend you. Not that that's ever stopped me before.

Seriously, people, it's time for a reality check. When it comes to technology, I've had my old standbys. I still love my small radio but I'm happy that it uses dynamo or solar power and half the time, I don't even need the antenna. I still love pushing buttons but touchscreen technology still fascinates me. I love my VCR even though I know that my tapes will degenerate over time. I still love my DVD player and refuse to buy all those movies again on Blu-Ray but even though I've got all that, I know I'm going to have to do one very painful thing...upgrade my equipment at some point.

So imagine my reaction to half the technonomorons out there that honestly and genuinely believe that they can use new equipment with that 20-year-old sound system. Uh uh...ain't a happenin' and here's why.

Everyone would like a nicer picture and sharper sound and that's perfectly doable but guess what? It's gonna take new equipment to make that happen. That means that the stereo system you buy for your house today might be nice but don't expect a future component to work with it ten years down the road. There's nothing ridiculous about it, it's just how it is. If you really must have an adapter, then you're going to reduce the quality of one of the signals and the new technology isn't made for that. Keep that in mind.

I also understand that some of you would like an iPod sync cable for less than $20. Bare minimum, to buy it at any brick and mortar store...it's gonna cost $20 and $30 for a charger. Why so expensive? Well, let's put it this way, the part that plugs into your computer or your wall, that's the part that might cost ya about $8, it's that other end...the one with the 30-pin connection...that's Apple's proprietary end and they get royalties for it. Always, always, always take that into consideration when you're buying an iPod of any sort. If that doesn't appeal to you, don't buy it. A little word to the wise; if you ever want to spend way less than that, you can. Ordering it for pennies on the dollar on the web outta Hong Kong is going to be your route but once one of those pins breaks, remember this...you get what you pay for.

Now, I do have a request for producers of consumer-based electronics; SLOW THE HELL DOWN! You don't need to spout a new device like Stallone produces bad one-liners in his movies.

How about another request for you. Ask what your customers will actually want. Yes, I'm talking to YOU Apple. Let's take your iPad for example. Utter Shite. Basically, it's a big iPod Touch and the only way to put it online is either by Wi-Fi or by popping it onto AT&T's overburdened 3G Network. They're right about one thing on Apple's Website...the fact that the thing is close to $500! It's a pretty unbelievable price alright. I can't believe anyone would actually pay that much for a device that primarily relies on aesthetics. Apple fans, look, spend half that and get an iPod Touch. It's a lot less bulky and it does all the same stuff. Apple, couldn't you have designed something a little better? I mean, if you wanted something really revolutionary, how about adding expandable memory, a user-replaceable battery, maybe...hell, I dunno something other than an oversized iPod Touch?

Consumers, let me tell you what. If you really want something like this, let me offer you an alternative that is every bit as good and nowhere near as restrictive.

iPod Touch: Same thing just smaller if you absolutely MUST be one of Apple's hordes of "individuals."

Archos 5: This internet tablet is slightly larger but it uses the Android operating system. What this means is that you can develop things for it yourself and the speeds on Wi-Fi speeds are awesome. Even if you're not a developer of sorts, you can still get 70% of the apps on the Android Market for free. It also has a slot for an expandable Micro SD Card. It comes with 8GB for storage space but you could beef it up to 16GB easily.

Cowon S9: It looks like an iPod Touch and somewhat works like one but it costs about ten bucks more than, say, an iPod Nano. Not bad.

Take it from me...there are plenty of alternatives.

One thing I do have to request of all of you who read this....Put Passwords on Your Phones Now. Police are now performing warrantless searches of cellphones and, so far, Ohio is the only state requiring police to search your phone WITH a warrant. If you password protect your phone, then you have a reasonable expectation of privacy.

Episode 32: CyberWar 2.0 The Ubuntu Directive

In the interest of just saying "Fuck It" to Windows Vista, I'd just stopped using my beloved laptop.

The last time I used it was over at Pop's place after walking his dog and I had a serious back and forth battle royal with it over, of all things, a movie download.

Downloading films is pretty simple. Even if your last technological reference point dates back to the mid-70s. All you do is click and watch the little meter fill, go find your file and then watch away.

Not for this Compaq that featured Windows Vista as it's operating system. It's a lot like getting away from the snow here. No luck. Three feet and then, less than a week later, another day of the heavy white stuff. So was my frustration with the declining performance of Vista.

Enter my new best friend. A new guy at work was shoulder surfing some notation I was writing. I didn't have the laptop with me. Frankly, the performance and program clutter was atrocious and embarrassing. I'd written down an objective to find Android and load it in. That's when he cleared his throat and asked what I was doing.

Normally, that kind of shit gets on my last nerve but the kid knows what he's doing. I translated my chickenscratch and he sat there listening. He did mention that he was only amazed I didn't want to weaponize my computer. I should have mentioned that that's the next part of my evil plan.

He took a look over my notes and then started in on one of the terminals. He pointed out a free Linux system called Ubuntu. I know, I thought of an African tribe somewhere in the Congo when he mentioned it, too. Then he pointed out all kinda stuff it could do. The only downside I saw...no iTunes. So, if I didn't need that to work one of my phones and my iPod, I'd slap it onto this desktop as well.

Being snowed in, I finally installed it. Now, all I need is my new Whiz-Kid to give me a little instruction on how to install the themes onto it properly so I can give it that Umbrella Corporation look that I want to give it.

Now, my laptop speeds are blazing...but I did have to do a little digging in order to get my Wi-Fi to work again. If you're not too stuck on Windows 7 or the new Snow Leopard system, try it...it rocks.

Now...to start rolling out applications. I'm going to turn my laptop in a damn mobile command center.