Episode 41: Here Come Da Pain...
Okay, I'm pretty sure we've all seen Scream once or twice but I feel the need to revise and refine Jamie Kennedy's Rules of Surviving A Horror Film.
You see The Kennedy Rules were great for surviving classic films but now we have a new era and new "monsters" and thus, we need new techniques for survival of such films. So let's get started.
Rule #1: Don't Trust Anybody.
No bullshit. Alliances are fleeting in a horror film and, if you're the token black man in a room fulla white people, you're in an essentially unique situation. You shouldn't trust anyone because there's not a damn soul trusting you. If the situation were reversed, ask yourself how much of a help the white computer nerd is going to be. If you answered nada, you'd be right to use him as bait. Might want to show your inner "Rampage" Jackson really quickly. Unleash your inner Bad Motherfucker so that you become indispensable and therefore, not expendable. Create a safe opening and get the hell outta Dodge.
Rule #2: Drugs, Alcohol, Sex And Treachery...Don't Use Them
You drink, snort, mainline or smoke any substance, you're going to die. Why? Well it's not so much a moral statement in a movie but consider this, when you're fucked up, you don't react to that big dude with the crazy eye carrying a hook on the end of a chain. He's going fishing, you're the fuckin' fish, understand?
You and that hot blonde gonna get it on? Yeah, she's gonna die a horrible death on top of you and then, that crap about her only weighing 120 lbs is going to be really evident once she becomes dead weight (no pun intended) and you are left a sitting duck. Hope you got that workout in, sport because you're gonna need it.
Thinkin about screwing the group to save your own ass? Oh hell no. You just left the protection of the group and now, you're fresh meat for the grinder. You're gonna end up someone's secret ingredient in that Texas Chili Cookoff. The only exception to this rule: If you're the black guy in this movie...then, do it at your own peril.
Rule #3: The Gun Stays
Okay, let me tell you one huge, important rule. If someone manages to find or make a weapon, especially a gun, it stays. If you feel the need to have a moral discussion about it remember that you are in a shit situation and your granola-eating ass has two options; try to reason with the monster that doesn't understand pity, compassion or remorse or get behind the dude with the gun. It's that simple. I know, I know, you don't wanna stoop to the level of the monster but you're not in a situation to decide that. Remember one thing, Live today, confess sins tomorrow or die today and take it up with whatever afterlife you may believe in. If you're the black guy...get your hands on the gun ASAP. If you need an example, try the latest House on Haunted Hill.
Rule #4: No Body, No Death
This applies all in the monster's world. If you don't see a body or at least you didn't witness the sociopath getting his ass blown to pieces by military ordinance, then he's not dead. Running won't help you. Changing your name and the like will only help you run below the media's radar for awhile but not permanently. Guess what, Mr. Chainsaw-Wielding, Puppy-Killer will hide in a bowl of rice if you happened to move to China. Go to Russia if you feel the need to, but I'd watch your next bite of the Borscht.
Rule #5: No Side Missions
Never decide to split from the group to go find that hidden vault of what the fuck ever. Allow me to illustrate. If you have the brains enough to go seeking out a huge cache of cash, don't you think for one second that the psychopath that's been LIVING there MAY have found it by now?
Rule #6: Don't Take Any Fuckin' Chance In Japan
I can't stress this enough. Japan's cars are better than ours, Japan's technology is better than ours. Their cartoons are fucking universes ahead of ours. Their game shows are something from an alien planet and, be goddamned if their monsters aren't fucking weirder than ours. Memorize all the rules and go easy on the sake when in Japan, okay? Language barrier gets broken by just understanding you're about to die when you see some chick in kabuki corpsepaint.
Rule #7: Hostels In Europe Are Not To Be Trusted
Okay, so it's actually Thailand but still...watch anywhere rich pricks like to gather dressed in leather aprons and stay the fuck out of those places. Welcome to the business of Murder For Hire. What it comes down to is a buncha pricks who have more money than God all bid and the highest bidder gets to do the dirty deeds....guess who they're bidding on? You...yeah. They're bidding on torturing and killing YOU. Got that? Okay...gooood.
Rule #8: When The Going Gets Tough....
Don't start shitting your pants, begging and crying like a little bitch. Start swinging, clawing , biting and digging into soft spots, especially the eyes. Look, if your "monster" doesn't have big, leathery wings and fangs and fireballs for eyes, then it's probably human. Just dig in and don't let go. Just make sure the asshole picked the wrong damn victim.
Rule #9: Never Turn Your Back On The Doorway.
Okay, look. It's dark. It's open. You're standing in the light. That's big time trouble. What this means is that you can't see the killer but he can damn sure see you.
Rule #10: Sequels Exist For A Reason
Look, we've seen the examples. Truth is way stranger than fiction and, in some instances, brown trousers moments happen to the same people over and over again. If you need one glaring instance then remember that there is a case of one man getting struck by lightning SEVEN times and lived to tell the tale. So it's not beyond reason that the killer may come back anyway...and go for some "unfinished business" with you. Pay attention to the granola-eater and keep in touch with the black guy...either one of them perishes after survival. Get ready for war.
Today's horror flicks now features the worst monsters ever...they're like you or me and the biggest problem is that they have a bit of intelligence and they still can't be reasoned with so we need a new set of rules to combat the problem. Follow these rules and you'll survive. Keep following these rules and you may even get past the sequels.
You see The Kennedy Rules were great for surviving classic films but now we have a new era and new "monsters" and thus, we need new techniques for survival of such films. So let's get started.
Rule #1: Don't Trust Anybody.
No bullshit. Alliances are fleeting in a horror film and, if you're the token black man in a room fulla white people, you're in an essentially unique situation. You shouldn't trust anyone because there's not a damn soul trusting you. If the situation were reversed, ask yourself how much of a help the white computer nerd is going to be. If you answered nada, you'd be right to use him as bait. Might want to show your inner "Rampage" Jackson really quickly. Unleash your inner Bad Motherfucker so that you become indispensable and therefore, not expendable. Create a safe opening and get the hell outta Dodge.
Rule #2: Drugs, Alcohol, Sex And Treachery...Don't Use Them
You drink, snort, mainline or smoke any substance, you're going to die. Why? Well it's not so much a moral statement in a movie but consider this, when you're fucked up, you don't react to that big dude with the crazy eye carrying a hook on the end of a chain. He's going fishing, you're the fuckin' fish, understand?
You and that hot blonde gonna get it on? Yeah, she's gonna die a horrible death on top of you and then, that crap about her only weighing 120 lbs is going to be really evident once she becomes dead weight (no pun intended) and you are left a sitting duck. Hope you got that workout in, sport because you're gonna need it.
Thinkin about screwing the group to save your own ass? Oh hell no. You just left the protection of the group and now, you're fresh meat for the grinder. You're gonna end up someone's secret ingredient in that Texas Chili Cookoff. The only exception to this rule: If you're the black guy in this movie...then, do it at your own peril.
Rule #3: The Gun Stays
Okay, let me tell you one huge, important rule. If someone manages to find or make a weapon, especially a gun, it stays. If you feel the need to have a moral discussion about it remember that you are in a shit situation and your granola-eating ass has two options; try to reason with the monster that doesn't understand pity, compassion or remorse or get behind the dude with the gun. It's that simple. I know, I know, you don't wanna stoop to the level of the monster but you're not in a situation to decide that. Remember one thing, Live today, confess sins tomorrow or die today and take it up with whatever afterlife you may believe in. If you're the black guy...get your hands on the gun ASAP. If you need an example, try the latest House on Haunted Hill.
Rule #4: No Body, No Death
This applies all in the monster's world. If you don't see a body or at least you didn't witness the sociopath getting his ass blown to pieces by military ordinance, then he's not dead. Running won't help you. Changing your name and the like will only help you run below the media's radar for awhile but not permanently. Guess what, Mr. Chainsaw-Wielding, Puppy-Killer will hide in a bowl of rice if you happened to move to China. Go to Russia if you feel the need to, but I'd watch your next bite of the Borscht.
Rule #5: No Side Missions
Never decide to split from the group to go find that hidden vault of what the fuck ever. Allow me to illustrate. If you have the brains enough to go seeking out a huge cache of cash, don't you think for one second that the psychopath that's been LIVING there MAY have found it by now?
Rule #6: Don't Take Any Fuckin' Chance In Japan
I can't stress this enough. Japan's cars are better than ours, Japan's technology is better than ours. Their cartoons are fucking universes ahead of ours. Their game shows are something from an alien planet and, be goddamned if their monsters aren't fucking weirder than ours. Memorize all the rules and go easy on the sake when in Japan, okay? Language barrier gets broken by just understanding you're about to die when you see some chick in kabuki corpsepaint.
Rule #7: Hostels In Europe Are Not To Be Trusted
Okay, so it's actually Thailand but still...watch anywhere rich pricks like to gather dressed in leather aprons and stay the fuck out of those places. Welcome to the business of Murder For Hire. What it comes down to is a buncha pricks who have more money than God all bid and the highest bidder gets to do the dirty deeds....guess who they're bidding on? You...yeah. They're bidding on torturing and killing YOU. Got that? Okay...gooood.
Rule #8: When The Going Gets Tough....
Don't start shitting your pants, begging and crying like a little bitch. Start swinging, clawing , biting and digging into soft spots, especially the eyes. Look, if your "monster" doesn't have big, leathery wings and fangs and fireballs for eyes, then it's probably human. Just dig in and don't let go. Just make sure the asshole picked the wrong damn victim.
Rule #9: Never Turn Your Back On The Doorway.
Okay, look. It's dark. It's open. You're standing in the light. That's big time trouble. What this means is that you can't see the killer but he can damn sure see you.
Rule #10: Sequels Exist For A Reason
Look, we've seen the examples. Truth is way stranger than fiction and, in some instances, brown trousers moments happen to the same people over and over again. If you need one glaring instance then remember that there is a case of one man getting struck by lightning SEVEN times and lived to tell the tale. So it's not beyond reason that the killer may come back anyway...and go for some "unfinished business" with you. Pay attention to the granola-eater and keep in touch with the black guy...either one of them perishes after survival. Get ready for war.
Today's horror flicks now features the worst monsters ever...they're like you or me and the biggest problem is that they have a bit of intelligence and they still can't be reasoned with so we need a new set of rules to combat the problem. Follow these rules and you'll survive. Keep following these rules and you may even get past the sequels.
posted by Lord Genocyde at 10:40 PM
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