Regenesis: The Year-End Review
It's interesting the things that can happen to someone in a year.
When one set of turbulence ended, another began. It's a journey we all undertake. Year by year, day after day we see times of upheaval and renewal, triumph and agony, sorrow and hope.
This year has been an especially trying one and there's a whole new set of scars to accompany it. I've become accustomed to them, not thinking of them as disfigurations. They're always a constant reminder that there is a story to tell...or maybe just a lesson to remember with not much to tell.
I could go through all those stories again but you've already read them. You've already seen what was on my mind at the time. You've had that conversation with me. No sense in beating a dead horse, is there?
No, I won't summarize this year. I've already written it and there is no need to reiterate at all in the least.
Instead, I think that filling you in on what happened recently. There are some things contained within that aren't going to make a lot of sense. The turbulence should be over but it isn't. I regret to have to tell you that the tale I'll tell will only illustrate the new turbulence against which I stand. That's the thing, isn't it? I still stand. The path I have chosen, I can, for no reason whatsoever deviate. This is the point of return that equates to what mathematicians call Absolute Zero.
Everyone knows that I've taken a few weeks worth of absence from doing internet radio. I need the time. Things have been running at a speed that can only be described as "breakneck" and I'm at the end of my chain with a link about to snap.
Helen (aka "Bunny") and I have parted ways. It has been one of the most painful decisions I have ever had to make. The Idiot Child President's response to people wanting tougher immigration has also translated to even tougher emigration, making it impossible in my current state to be able to relocate to be with her. It was a situation that agonized me for months. Each day only made it more painful. I had tried, mentally, through research and thinking to come up with some route that wouldn't take me ten or more years. At it's end, I was forced into a corner and realized that it wasn't fair to her to continuously wait on me, wasting her life only to have someone who was going to have to start from square one to establish himself to give her the life she deserved. After the split, I wasn't depressed. Contrary to that belief, though faced with my first tangible overwhelming defeat, I was in a fury. I found a new sense of hatred. I hated policymaking, overstuffed, self-serving and arrogant people masquerading as public servants. I had nearly reached for my copy of The Satanic Bible for something, anything that would make a clear and effective message that they had fucked with the wrong inhuman being. I dreamed of showing up in the oval office, a radiant red light emanating from me and total darkness around that, spewing smokelike, snakelike tendrils and just taking on all of the evil in the world within me and then simply unleashing it on them. No mercy asked and damned sure none given. If they wanted mercy...they could take their asses to church. Then, I fell into a deep depression. I questioned it all. What was the point of a relationship lasting two years and well over six months? Her heart was broken and I was behind it.
What the blue FUCK was THAT all about? I'd scream out in my mind. Everything about my big show was a spectacular failure and now, I was faced with this. Still, no answers for any of it. Zero. There was only the darkness to which to crawl back and wait. I have since vowed to make part of my life's mission to expose people like that. You know the type...corrupt. Am I looking to bring them down? No. I will just expose them for what they are...fake-ass frauds who haven't done a fucking thing with their own lives but they want to tell me how I should be running mine. If you happen to be one of these intellectually inept people ...I'm on my way. I WILL find you and I WILL NOT rest until everyone knows what you are.
The show itself was undergoing serious problems. While my executive producer and I spoke at length, the communication between myself and my manager was beginning to experience serious problems. Anyone who has ever listened to the show knows that the format is metal, goth, industrial, horror-punk and talk mixed. Where in the hell did My Chemical Romance fit in? Sure, I liked a few of their songs but I'm not a fan. I rarely play their music. They had been offered an interview and I was notified after the fact. Then I was being begged to play an emo band that didn't fit the format. I told her pass it on to Krash...she'd have better luck. She did and continued begging me until I finally just relented. Four weeks later, I still don't have anything in the way of music to put them on the air. Were these the reasons she is no longer management of the show? No. Fact is, I'm happy she's gotten Scream Queen Entertainment off the ground. That seems to be her niche and Tampa is a fine place for the management of a band or multitude thereof. Now, I'm in charge of it all with Misty helping me where I can't. I can set up the interviews, CD Reviews and all of that good stuff. Misty has been taking the real meat of the work...public relations. So far, with the official MySpace page, we've had a lot of catching up to do. Many bands that needed to be added to that page simply weren't. Sure, we had their banner there but we didn't have the damned band added to the list of friends on the page.
Remember the spectacular failure of the Impyrial Death March? Well the news gets worse. Seems The Four Horsemen of Krush have taken over WorldRock and are planning an "official opening" for the first of the year. Ok, several problems exist here but I'll only name a few.
1. Two of the Four have expressed a problem with how I'm scheduled. Hey, that's how the State of Louisiana has me working...deal with it. One of the two having this problem had sent listeners my way until he didn't like the direction the show took. Soon, those listeners save one was gone and where he used to sing the show's praises to them, now he was talkin trash about it. Not one to reveal his rather childish tactic, he claimed my scheduling was "turning people off." I'm sorry, when do I pull my own listeners? Now, this is where problem 2 comes in.
2. Apparently, Two of the Four have expressed problems in the content. One of the two is the same one who didn't like the direction my show took and pulled the listeners he sent. Most of what appears in my playlist is the digital industrial shit. Hey, that's what's being sent in. We make the same offer to any well-produced and worthwhile band and/or artist. It's those that send in and contribute that get airplay and before they go on my show, I have to like what I'm hearing. I started this show because I knew what I wanted to hear and no one else was doing it. It just so happens others wanted to hear the same thing and that's why they tune in. If I don't care for something, neither will my listeners and if my listeners don't like it they have two options...make requests or go listen to something else. I am still program director. Take the reins or shut up.
3. The show has been stagnating. Since last year, the show surpassed itself (as I'm in competition with me only) by leaps and bounds but it's started to follow a formula. It's begun sitting in a box and I've based this show on not being in a box of conventional norms. There's been a level of complacency there and, in order to get out of it, I need the time that's necessary to figure out what to do next.
4. I've decided to pull the interviews until the show catches onto another established station. We'll be doing them there. I'm sorry about that, people, but there is only so many times I can hear and/or read via IM "Shut the Fuck Up and Play Some Music." or "Remember back when you used to play music?" Ok. Cool. For Krush Network, I can see where they're just not ready for the interviews. I mean, who wants to hear a band interview when you're in the middle of that World of Warcraft game that you've been spending your time on since July of 2005? Once we secure airtime on another station, we'll be resuming interviews but until then, it will be strictly music, shout-outs and me trying to sell you a CD or Six. Krush was started by gamers, for gamers. For now, it's all I have and far be it from me to lose a target audience.
5. Four months of work didn't just come apart at high speed. It seems to have been simply forgotten by the upper echelons. That's cool but I'd rather not hear about it if that's the case.
Due to this, I made the firm resolution that I wasn't asking for the time off, I was going to take it. Frankly, I needed it to work on things behind the scenes a bit to figure out just what, if anything, was going wrong. The solutions have started to present themselves and, so far, things are beginning to look on the up and up. Hang in there and you'll find out more, I'm sure.
Now, I know many of you are wondering just what it was that kept me from reverting back to some Dark Pagan ritual to summon up some malevolent energies to rectify the situation I have at hand. Well, my roots would be about the only really reasonable answer that I have for you.
Recently, while organizing some things, I found a box full of nothing but junk. As I was emptying the cardboard box into a plastic storage container, I found something and realized in a moment that I hadn't truly had an appreciation for my Catholic upbringing. Truth to be told, in the arrogance that was my youth, I had tried escaping religion by going to religion. I picked it out of a pile of junk and had a really wonderful epiphany. Long story short, it was my old crucifix I found (and will you please refrain from the fucking tired "vampires don't wear crucifixes" bit because this one does...deal with it) and I began revisiting my Catholic roots to find that perhaps I had been wrong. I've been wrestling with the thought for months, actually. Finally, all the pieces had fallen into place for me. I found God in a box of junk. What was that about Mysterious Ways again? I think that should be revised to include Mysterious Locations. I've been an ordained minister since October 2nd of 2005 but I've not done a damned thing with it.
Now here's where things become funny because, let's face it, faith is a funny thing. My pen pal Ann and I have been writing back and forth for awhile and, while we're close, we're close on a level that's not a "relationship" level. I'm happy with that. I need the time to cool off and take a breather, really. Besides, she's been one of the first that I've actually decided to which I've put some of my ministry into application...as her spiritual advisor. Oh, that's right, go on, laugh ya ignoramuses! Oh ye of little faith. Seriously, she's in a really dark time. The holidays are upon us, she's having to spend it locked up and that parole board hearing is coming up soon...like within a few months. Will I write to the parole board on her behalf? Damned right, I will. Why? Because, to me, that's the thing I want to do...the right thing. Maybe some disagree and that's fine but I still hang onto that one quote Gandhi had to say which was, "Be the change you want to see in the world." Honestly, I'm sick of the way things are working. I'm sick of the way things have been but I can't change them. I can only change me. You have no idea how hard that is. It's rough and it's nasty at times but that's the choice I've made and I'm staying with it. My mind's made up. There isn't but one temporal creature that can test me and He seems to have died over 2000 years ago. Face one fact and let this one sink into your skulls, there's enough bullshit in the world without me contributing to it. So I think I'll be contributing to something better. You don't have to like it. You don't have to agree with it. Hey, hate me for it and say what you like about me but here are a couple more things to consider. First, I'm used to people's hatred of me. I don't do a lot to help that image and it's best that I don't. People will believe what they want and frankly, I fail to see where that's my problem. Second, there's worlds of difference between what most think they know and what I know. End of that story.
Finally, while I'm on the subject of terrible things, incarceration...you know, shit like that. Has anyone checked out Prison Break yet? I have the entire first season on DVD and I have to say that, after watching it, it's about as real as it gets when it comes to how the culture behind the wire operates. Some elements of the show were pretty farfetched but, for the most part, the show nailed it and not only that but the writing is superb. These guys went all out for making that show and I can't wait to get my claws into season two.
I think I know why we're so nuts over shows like that. We have a serious fetish for nearly every element of that mystery. Some of us pass these places all the time and never really give it a second thought or a glance but most of us...well, if you want to disagree with me, just ask yourself when was the last time you watched The Green Mile, The Shawshank Redemption or one of those old exploitation films?
As a culture, a majority of us sport a chubby for this type of entertainment and the reason for it is simple. None of us know what really goes on in a place like that unless you've been a resident there or you've worked there. That's it. Secondhand information will never count. Trust me when I say this, though. The horror stories you hear at times, about 95% are true. Details tend to become embellished but the base of the story itself is where your focus should be. I initially took the job because I had to get to the bottom of the mystery for myself and I didn't have the nuts to get thrown in as a resident on a semi-permanent basis. Hey, I like being able to do some of the things I do. I'd taken a tour when I was a senior in high school but it's not the same and no news documentary can capture the day-to-day life that you can witness for yourself if you work there. They move the inmates from the areas you'll be touring and they make everything seem so neat, clean and orderly at all times...right down to the procedure. Sadly, it's not always like that. Sometimes, things can't be done by the book. Sometimes, the book doesn't cover a situation and neither do the contingency plans. That's where common sense and using your damn brain works. You have to have attitude as well. You can't walk into a place like that reeking of fear. You'll be eaten alive. Outside the dual fences, the razorwire and all the little buildings that make up the compounds, we all suffer the same intellectual ineptitude in thinking that the movies have nailed it. Nope, wrong again. We tend to think that everyone working a tower is a trained sniper. Uh uh. Point is, those places have a huge understood sign on them that reads Access Denied: Restricted Area to the general public so it has a mystique to it and when our imaginations are left to run wild, we tend to believe some pretty messed up things that may or may not have any application to what sits in front of us.
Anyway, I'm just waiting for that second season. I have to know how this group of sad all fuckers actually stay on the lam.
As for me, you can find me around somewhere but I've needed to unplug and get the hell away from this machine for now. I'm resting and biding my time. Once everything is settled and ready to roll again...you'll definitely know because you'll hear me scream once again.
By the way....have a look at the custom rosary. Cool huh?
Damien Cross
DeQuincy, LA
12/14/06 2:16 a.m.
When one set of turbulence ended, another began. It's a journey we all undertake. Year by year, day after day we see times of upheaval and renewal, triumph and agony, sorrow and hope.
This year has been an especially trying one and there's a whole new set of scars to accompany it. I've become accustomed to them, not thinking of them as disfigurations. They're always a constant reminder that there is a story to tell...or maybe just a lesson to remember with not much to tell.
I could go through all those stories again but you've already read them. You've already seen what was on my mind at the time. You've had that conversation with me. No sense in beating a dead horse, is there?
No, I won't summarize this year. I've already written it and there is no need to reiterate at all in the least.
Instead, I think that filling you in on what happened recently. There are some things contained within that aren't going to make a lot of sense. The turbulence should be over but it isn't. I regret to have to tell you that the tale I'll tell will only illustrate the new turbulence against which I stand. That's the thing, isn't it? I still stand. The path I have chosen, I can, for no reason whatsoever deviate. This is the point of return that equates to what mathematicians call Absolute Zero.
Everyone knows that I've taken a few weeks worth of absence from doing internet radio. I need the time. Things have been running at a speed that can only be described as "breakneck" and I'm at the end of my chain with a link about to snap.
Helen (aka "Bunny") and I have parted ways. It has been one of the most painful decisions I have ever had to make. The Idiot Child President's response to people wanting tougher immigration has also translated to even tougher emigration, making it impossible in my current state to be able to relocate to be with her. It was a situation that agonized me for months. Each day only made it more painful. I had tried, mentally, through research and thinking to come up with some route that wouldn't take me ten or more years. At it's end, I was forced into a corner and realized that it wasn't fair to her to continuously wait on me, wasting her life only to have someone who was going to have to start from square one to establish himself to give her the life she deserved. After the split, I wasn't depressed. Contrary to that belief, though faced with my first tangible overwhelming defeat, I was in a fury. I found a new sense of hatred. I hated policymaking, overstuffed, self-serving and arrogant people masquerading as public servants. I had nearly reached for my copy of The Satanic Bible for something, anything that would make a clear and effective message that they had fucked with the wrong inhuman being. I dreamed of showing up in the oval office, a radiant red light emanating from me and total darkness around that, spewing smokelike, snakelike tendrils and just taking on all of the evil in the world within me and then simply unleashing it on them. No mercy asked and damned sure none given. If they wanted mercy...they could take their asses to church. Then, I fell into a deep depression. I questioned it all. What was the point of a relationship lasting two years and well over six months? Her heart was broken and I was behind it.
What the blue FUCK was THAT all about? I'd scream out in my mind. Everything about my big show was a spectacular failure and now, I was faced with this. Still, no answers for any of it. Zero. There was only the darkness to which to crawl back and wait. I have since vowed to make part of my life's mission to expose people like that. You know the type...corrupt. Am I looking to bring them down? No. I will just expose them for what they are...fake-ass frauds who haven't done a fucking thing with their own lives but they want to tell me how I should be running mine. If you happen to be one of these intellectually inept people ...I'm on my way. I WILL find you and I WILL NOT rest until everyone knows what you are.
The show itself was undergoing serious problems. While my executive producer and I spoke at length, the communication between myself and my manager was beginning to experience serious problems. Anyone who has ever listened to the show knows that the format is metal, goth, industrial, horror-punk and talk mixed. Where in the hell did My Chemical Romance fit in? Sure, I liked a few of their songs but I'm not a fan. I rarely play their music. They had been offered an interview and I was notified after the fact. Then I was being begged to play an emo band that didn't fit the format. I told her pass it on to Krash...she'd have better luck. She did and continued begging me until I finally just relented. Four weeks later, I still don't have anything in the way of music to put them on the air. Were these the reasons she is no longer management of the show? No. Fact is, I'm happy she's gotten Scream Queen Entertainment off the ground. That seems to be her niche and Tampa is a fine place for the management of a band or multitude thereof. Now, I'm in charge of it all with Misty helping me where I can't. I can set up the interviews, CD Reviews and all of that good stuff. Misty has been taking the real meat of the work...public relations. So far, with the official MySpace page, we've had a lot of catching up to do. Many bands that needed to be added to that page simply weren't. Sure, we had their banner there but we didn't have the damned band added to the list of friends on the page.
Remember the spectacular failure of the Impyrial Death March? Well the news gets worse. Seems The Four Horsemen of Krush have taken over WorldRock and are planning an "official opening" for the first of the year. Ok, several problems exist here but I'll only name a few.
1. Two of the Four have expressed a problem with how I'm scheduled. Hey, that's how the State of Louisiana has me working...deal with it. One of the two having this problem had sent listeners my way until he didn't like the direction the show took. Soon, those listeners save one was gone and where he used to sing the show's praises to them, now he was talkin trash about it. Not one to reveal his rather childish tactic, he claimed my scheduling was "turning people off." I'm sorry, when do I pull my own listeners? Now, this is where problem 2 comes in.
2. Apparently, Two of the Four have expressed problems in the content. One of the two is the same one who didn't like the direction my show took and pulled the listeners he sent. Most of what appears in my playlist is the digital industrial shit. Hey, that's what's being sent in. We make the same offer to any well-produced and worthwhile band and/or artist. It's those that send in and contribute that get airplay and before they go on my show, I have to like what I'm hearing. I started this show because I knew what I wanted to hear and no one else was doing it. It just so happens others wanted to hear the same thing and that's why they tune in. If I don't care for something, neither will my listeners and if my listeners don't like it they have two options...make requests or go listen to something else. I am still program director. Take the reins or shut up.
3. The show has been stagnating. Since last year, the show surpassed itself (as I'm in competition with me only) by leaps and bounds but it's started to follow a formula. It's begun sitting in a box and I've based this show on not being in a box of conventional norms. There's been a level of complacency there and, in order to get out of it, I need the time that's necessary to figure out what to do next.
4. I've decided to pull the interviews until the show catches onto another established station. We'll be doing them there. I'm sorry about that, people, but there is only so many times I can hear and/or read via IM "Shut the Fuck Up and Play Some Music." or "Remember back when you used to play music?" Ok. Cool. For Krush Network, I can see where they're just not ready for the interviews. I mean, who wants to hear a band interview when you're in the middle of that World of Warcraft game that you've been spending your time on since July of 2005? Once we secure airtime on another station, we'll be resuming interviews but until then, it will be strictly music, shout-outs and me trying to sell you a CD or Six. Krush was started by gamers, for gamers. For now, it's all I have and far be it from me to lose a target audience.
5. Four months of work didn't just come apart at high speed. It seems to have been simply forgotten by the upper echelons. That's cool but I'd rather not hear about it if that's the case.
Due to this, I made the firm resolution that I wasn't asking for the time off, I was going to take it. Frankly, I needed it to work on things behind the scenes a bit to figure out just what, if anything, was going wrong. The solutions have started to present themselves and, so far, things are beginning to look on the up and up. Hang in there and you'll find out more, I'm sure.
Now, I know many of you are wondering just what it was that kept me from reverting back to some Dark Pagan ritual to summon up some malevolent energies to rectify the situation I have at hand. Well, my roots would be about the only really reasonable answer that I have for you.
Recently, while organizing some things, I found a box full of nothing but junk. As I was emptying the cardboard box into a plastic storage container, I found something and realized in a moment that I hadn't truly had an appreciation for my Catholic upbringing. Truth to be told, in the arrogance that was my youth, I had tried escaping religion by going to religion. I picked it out of a pile of junk and had a really wonderful epiphany. Long story short, it was my old crucifix I found (and will you please refrain from the fucking tired "vampires don't wear crucifixes" bit because this one does...deal with it) and I began revisiting my Catholic roots to find that perhaps I had been wrong. I've been wrestling with the thought for months, actually. Finally, all the pieces had fallen into place for me. I found God in a box of junk. What was that about Mysterious Ways again? I think that should be revised to include Mysterious Locations. I've been an ordained minister since October 2nd of 2005 but I've not done a damned thing with it.
Now here's where things become funny because, let's face it, faith is a funny thing. My pen pal Ann and I have been writing back and forth for awhile and, while we're close, we're close on a level that's not a "relationship" level. I'm happy with that. I need the time to cool off and take a breather, really. Besides, she's been one of the first that I've actually decided to which I've put some of my ministry into application...as her spiritual advisor. Oh, that's right, go on, laugh ya ignoramuses! Oh ye of little faith. Seriously, she's in a really dark time. The holidays are upon us, she's having to spend it locked up and that parole board hearing is coming up soon...like within a few months. Will I write to the parole board on her behalf? Damned right, I will. Why? Because, to me, that's the thing I want to do...the right thing. Maybe some disagree and that's fine but I still hang onto that one quote Gandhi had to say which was, "Be the change you want to see in the world." Honestly, I'm sick of the way things are working. I'm sick of the way things have been but I can't change them. I can only change me. You have no idea how hard that is. It's rough and it's nasty at times but that's the choice I've made and I'm staying with it. My mind's made up. There isn't but one temporal creature that can test me and He seems to have died over 2000 years ago. Face one fact and let this one sink into your skulls, there's enough bullshit in the world without me contributing to it. So I think I'll be contributing to something better. You don't have to like it. You don't have to agree with it. Hey, hate me for it and say what you like about me but here are a couple more things to consider. First, I'm used to people's hatred of me. I don't do a lot to help that image and it's best that I don't. People will believe what they want and frankly, I fail to see where that's my problem. Second, there's worlds of difference between what most think they know and what I know. End of that story.
Finally, while I'm on the subject of terrible things, incarceration...you know, shit like that. Has anyone checked out Prison Break yet? I have the entire first season on DVD and I have to say that, after watching it, it's about as real as it gets when it comes to how the culture behind the wire operates. Some elements of the show were pretty farfetched but, for the most part, the show nailed it and not only that but the writing is superb. These guys went all out for making that show and I can't wait to get my claws into season two.
I think I know why we're so nuts over shows like that. We have a serious fetish for nearly every element of that mystery. Some of us pass these places all the time and never really give it a second thought or a glance but most of us...well, if you want to disagree with me, just ask yourself when was the last time you watched The Green Mile, The Shawshank Redemption or one of those old exploitation films?
As a culture, a majority of us sport a chubby for this type of entertainment and the reason for it is simple. None of us know what really goes on in a place like that unless you've been a resident there or you've worked there. That's it. Secondhand information will never count. Trust me when I say this, though. The horror stories you hear at times, about 95% are true. Details tend to become embellished but the base of the story itself is where your focus should be. I initially took the job because I had to get to the bottom of the mystery for myself and I didn't have the nuts to get thrown in as a resident on a semi-permanent basis. Hey, I like being able to do some of the things I do. I'd taken a tour when I was a senior in high school but it's not the same and no news documentary can capture the day-to-day life that you can witness for yourself if you work there. They move the inmates from the areas you'll be touring and they make everything seem so neat, clean and orderly at all times...right down to the procedure. Sadly, it's not always like that. Sometimes, things can't be done by the book. Sometimes, the book doesn't cover a situation and neither do the contingency plans. That's where common sense and using your damn brain works. You have to have attitude as well. You can't walk into a place like that reeking of fear. You'll be eaten alive. Outside the dual fences, the razorwire and all the little buildings that make up the compounds, we all suffer the same intellectual ineptitude in thinking that the movies have nailed it. Nope, wrong again. We tend to think that everyone working a tower is a trained sniper. Uh uh. Point is, those places have a huge understood sign on them that reads Access Denied: Restricted Area to the general public so it has a mystique to it and when our imaginations are left to run wild, we tend to believe some pretty messed up things that may or may not have any application to what sits in front of us.
Anyway, I'm just waiting for that second season. I have to know how this group of sad all fuckers actually stay on the lam.
As for me, you can find me around somewhere but I've needed to unplug and get the hell away from this machine for now. I'm resting and biding my time. Once everything is settled and ready to roll again...you'll definitely know because you'll hear me scream once again.
By the way....have a look at the custom rosary. Cool huh?
Damien Cross
DeQuincy, LA
12/14/06 2:16 a.m.
posted by Lord Genocyde at 6:14 PM
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