iThink i'm in Hell: The iPod Experience

Much controversy surrounds this little device. I've debated to many the point of simplicity with portable music devices but, out of all of them, Apple's iPod has been the best marketed MP3 player to date.

History:

I originally just wanted an MP3 player. Stopping during my walks to change CDs was becoming a pain. I found the Lexar JumpDrive 256MB (about 50 songs) to be my cheapest and best option. It had one button to control everything and it was so easy to work, you could tie my hands behind my back, throw me underwater, unconcious and I could still work that thing using some type of Sith variant of The Jedi Mind Trick.

Later, I wanted something a little slimmer and lighter. The ROKR MP3 player proved the best choice. It had the same storage capacity, a few more options, a few more buttons and the ability to preserve battery life a little longer by automatic shutoff after only a brief period of inactivity.

Whenever someone would ask me for my opinions of Apple's iPod, I would respond with the following:

1. They were too damned expensive.
   
2. 20 to 30 GB of music is far too many songs to carry around...that's about the size of my present music folder on my secondary hard drive.
   
3. I don't think I'll be watching music videos on those walks or bike rides.
4. Overall, iPod was way more than what you'd actually need for recreational purposes

Still, after much thought and debate, I caved. I decided to give the iPod the good-old Test of The Genocydal Maniac.

I found one on eBay for under $160.00. The iPod Nano....black....2 whopping GB (roughly 500 songs.) Once it arrived, I noticed things. First, the dimensions were way smaller than I thought. It was thinner than a #2 pencil, slightly taller than my pack of Marlboros and barely wide enough to cover the width of three of my fingers put together. Second, it had a USB cable but where was the charger? Three, the free case is really just a protective cover and barely accommodates the headset. Fourth and final, the headset they'd sent with it was shit.
Noting that I couldn't find a manual or a charger with the thing, I decided to do what any male on the planet believing himself to be technologically advanced would do; I began the experiment.

I'd turned it on and after 20 minutes, I was using my thumb and forefinger to maniplate the hypersensitive clickwheel, navigating like mad through it's menus. Ladies, take note! If you want to make your man's hands the best foreplay yet, get that man an iPod and let him use it for practice! Before you make assumptions, I'll have you know my fingers bear a natual magick anyway...nevermind, skip that and move on. Problem #1: I didn't know how to turn the bastard off. Rayne showed me by pressing and holding the Play/Pause button. She apparently knows more about this little nanoplayer than I do.

After that, I logged onto Apple's website to order the charger and plugged the iPod into the USB port on my computer. Problem #2: The computer wasn't reading it. I had decided that perhaps the nanotechnological marvel of modern music was perhaps beyond my grasp of cognitive comprehension. I went to their troubleshooting site and after only a few clicks of the mouse, I had discovered that my wisdom that I'd so cherished had been laid waste. I was now the fool.

The battery had come with a partial charge. Due to that, the computer wouldn't read it. No shit. The computer would, however, begin charging it via THE DAMNED USB CORD!!!

WHAT?!

I looked at the color display as it proudly backlit the color animated icon, indicating that it was receiving the charge via computer...after I'd already bought the goddamn wall charger. I went to bed, leaving the iPod plugged in and the computer turned on.

Next Morning:

I'd come home, installed iTunes on my computer and began the arduous undertaking of making my iPod playlist. The computer and I locked horns and jockeyed for position as we fought for four hours. iTunes had picked up some rogue music folder and began making a library of it...while loading the whole works into my iPod! After three and a half hours, I gained ground. As soon as I had it all worked out (at nearly damn noon) I'd erased the songs previously put onto the computer by iTunes' rogue A.I. and set about installing a new playlist.

This thing is complicated. You have to register your iPod with Apple online, name the thing (mine has been dubbed Virus Nanoshuttle) and agree with their policies regarding the hardworking People's Technocratic Republic of Wherethefuckever before you can even install the first song onto it. Protecting Apple's and the Recording Industry's bottom line. I'd gone through commercialized hell just getting this thing set up to do what I could have done with the ROKR or Lexar in just 20 minutes.

iRock, iRoll, iPod:

Ok now that I'm done venting on this fucker, here are the better points of the iPod experience. First, killer sound quality. With a good set of earbuds, you get nearly CD quality sound from it. The multiple Equalizer presets ensure that your listening experience never lacks.

The next big plus is the sensitive clickwheel that lets you navigate through menus more easily. The sleep timer will help you conserve battery life. Your battery life is a whopping 14 hours before recharge and that's usage time. The color display is brilliant and crisp, allowing you to even set up picture slideshows to your music. What a great way to take trips down memory lane....it's like an electronic musical photo album. Still not satisfied? How about customizeable playlists? That's right, you can nearly be your own DJ away from home by putting together and loading multiple playlists, perfect for those late-night solo romps through the concrete urban jungle. Need help finding songs by artist or album? The iPod Nano does that for you as well making those tunes you got on iTunes that much more accessable. What about that shuffle feature? Got it covered!

For the serious music enthusiast who craves variety, style and more features than you can shake a clickwheel at, this device will put a spring in your step and possibly get you onto those excersize bikes you've been meaning to hit since that pesky New Year's Resolution.

Lord Genocyde's Bottom Line: While it's not the easiest of MP3 players to work, what it lacks in that user-friendliness department, it makes up for in merit alone. Still, with all the effort you go through in making playlists, loading music and listening, you're surely protected against those thuggish lawyers from the recording industry. Score one for Apple's best product since the powerbook Macintosh. And who said Apple was yesterday's news?

I'll be taking full advantage of it's other features later but the Virus Nanoshuttle is soon to go one of it's most grueling tests...The Genocydal Workout Test.