Episode 57: Walmart Proves Evolution Can Go In Reverse
Ladies and Gentlemen allow me to direct your attention to Walmart for a brief moment.
I've been privvy to the frothing at the mouth hatred for Walmart for some time. Some people love Walmart about as much as they love Chainsaw Enemas and while I lived down South...I always asked "Why?"
I mean the Walmart closest to me always had damn near everything I needed, I never had a problem with a return (the few times I needed to return something) and when the staff didn't know something, they let me know but they were completely nice about it. Maybe they weren't my best buds and hell, I'm willing to say that there is the longshot that some of them outright loathed me but I wouldn't have known it because I turned up every two weeks to do grocery shopping and be damned if I didn't come out with stuff that Was Not on my grocery list. Look, because of Walmart, I now have all of the Friday The 13th movies and the entire Superman saga with Christopher Reeve, okay? I got it all cheap there, I never fussed. Walmart in the South was my friend and though I hated working for them, I still loved shopping there. I snuggled up to that big corporate entity and became besties with them. My eye doctor there at the Vision Center was completely friendly and if he ever hated my ass in anyway I would never have known. This guy was friendly on a level that made you feel like he was one step away from propping your feet up on an ottoman and offering you a nice hot cup of green tea with honey in it. Yeah I hated working there but shopping there was never an issue.
Fast forward to two days ago.
I usually pick up my blood pressure scrip from Walmart. $4 and I pay that outta pocket. Never once was there an issue with that. Normally I drop it off, go fart around for about an hour and then, I get a call...it's ready. Whole process takes about 45 minutes at the most. See there's a problem with the Walmart closest to me. It's not enough that one person has to go there but they have to bring the entire fucking massive family with them. Not Walmart's fault but you think they could have laid that store out a little more efficiently.
Before I go on keep in mind that this may seem bigoted...it's not. I'm simply reporting what I observe each and every time I go in there.
I get to hear about the employee's weekends and the myriad meandering clusterbomb of crap they did. Who they screwed, how many of their "dawgs" know and just how many more weekends that will be more of the same.
Those same employees having discussions in the bathroom only for some reason, in here I'm hearing about when they're gonna go light up that spliff they have stashed in the glovebox. Really? Look it's none of my business but damn guys if discussing that is really that important there's something called (correct my slang if my use of the colloquial is wrong) "keepin' it on the fuckin' down low." You speak in hushed tones, no text messages, no documentation, no audio, no video and deny deny deny.
Same employees are obviously on a uniform policy but they wear their clothing three sizes too big. I guess the appearance of professionalism must be one hell of a tall order. Not that I really care but when you're wearing a belt and your pants are sagging....MayDay!
The Shopping Carts. Okay so maybe the employees are a bit on the ghetto side and perhaps the customers are from the Warzone section of the ghetto but look...when the hoodrat who's working for you has a car that's far more flashy than your shopping cart....perhaps it's time to look into some...oh I don't know FUCKING MAINTENANCE! Two days ago I tried four, count 'em, FOUR carts before I found one that remotely worked without randomly veering right or left. Until I put something in it. Then it was BANG...BANG...BANG all the way down every fucking aisle the minute I put a desk lamp into the thing. Thank God I was wearing my BLS colors and sporting a bandanna and a genuine Fuck You Atttitude. Any worse I probably would have started swearing uncontrollably.
Any worse...yeah I spoke too soon on that one.
I have the Walmart App on my Galaxy S III. Yanno what, without that app, this store would have made me just go tell these people to get fucked right then and there. Hardly anything is clearly priced and DO NOT for the love of fuck DO NOT trust that dadgum $5 movie bin. I pulled a DVD out, went to go pay for it...$16. Did I catch a break on the price? Noooope! I bought it anyway. I needed it. Yoga before you ask so yes my well-being was worth the extra $11 that I didn't intend to pay. My point: You Need This Fucking App To Survive in there. It has it's own barcode scanner which is great because you remember those little barcode scanning stations if you had a question? Yeah well they don't fucking exist in there anymore. I don't know where they went but get the app and put it on your phone because you're going to need it. Asking an employee to do it I literally got her walking away from me before hearing "no speaka da Ingles!" She doesn't speak English? And she got hired? Fuck me, just what is this country coming to?
Speaking of the Walmart App let's go back to the blood pressure meds...the reason I'm there in the first place. Let's talk about how my blood pressure pills come. I get this plastic thing. I push a button and the entire blister pack slides out and I punch out the one pill I need each morning. Reverse engineering shows me that all anyone ever needs to do is take one of these blister packs, slap it into the plastic container, slap a label on it...done and done...shouldn't even take forty five minutes right? Well before leaving physical therapy I used the app to call in a refill. Got the email confirmation and headed that way. Took me 45 minutes to get there. I got there and farted around looking for a few things I needed (wrestling the damn cart, having to hear about these two who can't leave the Turkish Skullbong at home, scanning things on my own because I really couldn't find an employee who looked like they might speak something other than Spanish or Hood, etc.) and finally, having everything I felt I needed I made my way to the pharmacy with my clattering cart and a genuinely shit attitude that I hadn't gotten my call and it was fucking two hours past now.
The lady at the counter informed me that it wasn't ready but it was in filling and it would only be a few minutes. I tried to put on my Okay No Problem face and let her know I'd be looking around. I scoured the store...I know how many goldfish this Walmart has plus it's birth to Goldfish death ratio. I know how many will be there this weekend and I've already come to know a couple of their tropicals. They say they dig my battle jacket and I thanked them kindly. Another hour later, nope...still not done and won't be done until after three. I sent the request in at something like 10:45 am...it's not 2pm. I left. Fuck that, I have enough to last me for two days anyways man. Ya think they could have informed me. I paid for my stuff (a whopping $25) and fucking left. I got a call at about 4:30pm that my scrip was ready. Did I go pick it up? No. I'm going to do that tomorrow. Saturday night. I'm going in without my back brace, dressed to the nines in a real Color-Sporting, Fuck With Me And I Will Shove A Bolt Of Valhalla Sized Lightning Bolt Up Your Ass Attitude.
I think after this I'm taking my scrips to Walgreen's. At least they're closer and they ACT like they give a damn. I think I might also ditch my Walmart app for the People of Walmart App.
I've been privvy to the frothing at the mouth hatred for Walmart for some time. Some people love Walmart about as much as they love Chainsaw Enemas and while I lived down South...I always asked "Why?"
I mean the Walmart closest to me always had damn near everything I needed, I never had a problem with a return (the few times I needed to return something) and when the staff didn't know something, they let me know but they were completely nice about it. Maybe they weren't my best buds and hell, I'm willing to say that there is the longshot that some of them outright loathed me but I wouldn't have known it because I turned up every two weeks to do grocery shopping and be damned if I didn't come out with stuff that Was Not on my grocery list. Look, because of Walmart, I now have all of the Friday The 13th movies and the entire Superman saga with Christopher Reeve, okay? I got it all cheap there, I never fussed. Walmart in the South was my friend and though I hated working for them, I still loved shopping there. I snuggled up to that big corporate entity and became besties with them. My eye doctor there at the Vision Center was completely friendly and if he ever hated my ass in anyway I would never have known. This guy was friendly on a level that made you feel like he was one step away from propping your feet up on an ottoman and offering you a nice hot cup of green tea with honey in it. Yeah I hated working there but shopping there was never an issue.
Fast forward to two days ago.
I usually pick up my blood pressure scrip from Walmart. $4 and I pay that outta pocket. Never once was there an issue with that. Normally I drop it off, go fart around for about an hour and then, I get a call...it's ready. Whole process takes about 45 minutes at the most. See there's a problem with the Walmart closest to me. It's not enough that one person has to go there but they have to bring the entire fucking massive family with them. Not Walmart's fault but you think they could have laid that store out a little more efficiently.
Before I go on keep in mind that this may seem bigoted...it's not. I'm simply reporting what I observe each and every time I go in there.
I get to hear about the employee's weekends and the myriad meandering clusterbomb of crap they did. Who they screwed, how many of their "dawgs" know and just how many more weekends that will be more of the same.
Those same employees having discussions in the bathroom only for some reason, in here I'm hearing about when they're gonna go light up that spliff they have stashed in the glovebox. Really? Look it's none of my business but damn guys if discussing that is really that important there's something called (correct my slang if my use of the colloquial is wrong) "keepin' it on the fuckin' down low." You speak in hushed tones, no text messages, no documentation, no audio, no video and deny deny deny.
Same employees are obviously on a uniform policy but they wear their clothing three sizes too big. I guess the appearance of professionalism must be one hell of a tall order. Not that I really care but when you're wearing a belt and your pants are sagging....MayDay!
The Shopping Carts. Okay so maybe the employees are a bit on the ghetto side and perhaps the customers are from the Warzone section of the ghetto but look...when the hoodrat who's working for you has a car that's far more flashy than your shopping cart....perhaps it's time to look into some...oh I don't know FUCKING MAINTENANCE! Two days ago I tried four, count 'em, FOUR carts before I found one that remotely worked without randomly veering right or left. Until I put something in it. Then it was BANG...BANG...BANG all the way down every fucking aisle the minute I put a desk lamp into the thing. Thank God I was wearing my BLS colors and sporting a bandanna and a genuine Fuck You Atttitude. Any worse I probably would have started swearing uncontrollably.
Any worse...yeah I spoke too soon on that one.
I have the Walmart App on my Galaxy S III. Yanno what, without that app, this store would have made me just go tell these people to get fucked right then and there. Hardly anything is clearly priced and DO NOT for the love of fuck DO NOT trust that dadgum $5 movie bin. I pulled a DVD out, went to go pay for it...$16. Did I catch a break on the price? Noooope! I bought it anyway. I needed it. Yoga before you ask so yes my well-being was worth the extra $11 that I didn't intend to pay. My point: You Need This Fucking App To Survive in there. It has it's own barcode scanner which is great because you remember those little barcode scanning stations if you had a question? Yeah well they don't fucking exist in there anymore. I don't know where they went but get the app and put it on your phone because you're going to need it. Asking an employee to do it I literally got her walking away from me before hearing "no speaka da Ingles!" She doesn't speak English? And she got hired? Fuck me, just what is this country coming to?
Speaking of the Walmart App let's go back to the blood pressure meds...the reason I'm there in the first place. Let's talk about how my blood pressure pills come. I get this plastic thing. I push a button and the entire blister pack slides out and I punch out the one pill I need each morning. Reverse engineering shows me that all anyone ever needs to do is take one of these blister packs, slap it into the plastic container, slap a label on it...done and done...shouldn't even take forty five minutes right? Well before leaving physical therapy I used the app to call in a refill. Got the email confirmation and headed that way. Took me 45 minutes to get there. I got there and farted around looking for a few things I needed (wrestling the damn cart, having to hear about these two who can't leave the Turkish Skullbong at home, scanning things on my own because I really couldn't find an employee who looked like they might speak something other than Spanish or Hood, etc.) and finally, having everything I felt I needed I made my way to the pharmacy with my clattering cart and a genuinely shit attitude that I hadn't gotten my call and it was fucking two hours past now.
The lady at the counter informed me that it wasn't ready but it was in filling and it would only be a few minutes. I tried to put on my Okay No Problem face and let her know I'd be looking around. I scoured the store...I know how many goldfish this Walmart has plus it's birth to Goldfish death ratio. I know how many will be there this weekend and I've already come to know a couple of their tropicals. They say they dig my battle jacket and I thanked them kindly. Another hour later, nope...still not done and won't be done until after three. I sent the request in at something like 10:45 am...it's not 2pm. I left. Fuck that, I have enough to last me for two days anyways man. Ya think they could have informed me. I paid for my stuff (a whopping $25) and fucking left. I got a call at about 4:30pm that my scrip was ready. Did I go pick it up? No. I'm going to do that tomorrow. Saturday night. I'm going in without my back brace, dressed to the nines in a real Color-Sporting, Fuck With Me And I Will Shove A Bolt Of Valhalla Sized Lightning Bolt Up Your Ass Attitude.
I think after this I'm taking my scrips to Walgreen's. At least they're closer and they ACT like they give a damn. I think I might also ditch my Walmart app for the People of Walmart App.
posted by Lord Genocyde at 11:03 PM
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