Already Gone: The New Jersey Chronicles vol 1.
I had started to doubt my decision to snag the iPhone 3G as my phone upgrade. I mean, was it really necessary to drop $200 on a phone that had a lotta fancy gadgets that I'd probably never use and a battery that wasn't user-replaceable? Probably not. Then again, there were times where even I had been wrong about my technology selection. So far, the phone took my expectations and kicked them into the trash. I finally had a phone that could help me get around unfamiliar areas, call, listen to music, surf the web and I've even got a lightsaber on this fucker. Needless to say, I was happy with it.
October 21st was my first time on a plane in 25 years. I was just a little kid the last time I was on one and I distinctly remember those planes having a LOT more goddamn room on them. For those of you who have NEVER been on a plane...let me enlighten you on the wonderful world of flying.
First, there's checking in. Gotta get that one bag into cargo about two hours BEFORE your flight leaves...so have something to do like a crossword puzzle or a video game to play, etc. If you're a smoker, get ready to ditch that precious lighter of yours. If it's a Zippo, you're fucked as far as that goes because there's no way in hell you're taking it aboard. Plan all of your packing at least two days in advance and leave the Zippo at home, favor one of those cheap disposable lighters that hardly works...it won't be such a pain to part with it.
TSA is a lotta damn fun to go through. Take all the electronics out of your bag...you're stickin those into bins. You can leave the chargers and the like in your bag. If you're a total technophile like me, you carry a lot of these devices and chargers. Needless to say, this part takes awhile. If you're travelling in the spring and summer months, wear sandals or flip flops because they're easy to take off. Don't wear any metal and have your Driver's License and Boarding Pass ready. Once you're done emptying your carry-on and sending that part through, you're going through a metal detector. Should you be wearing necklaces or rings or metal-frame eyewear...that should be going through with your bag. This whole process is a nightmare, really if you're travelling through autumn and winter months. At the other end of the metal detector, you're repacking all that crap into your carry-on and then you're going to do the equivalent of getting dressed again. By the way, your coat, sweatshirt and shoes are going through the X-Ray scanner too. Basically, this whole portion of tonight's episode is the equivalent of a search you see in one of those cheesy prison exploitation movies from the early '90s.
Once you're packed and dressed again, you're going to sit at the terminal gate until your plane arrives, everyone on it gets the hell off and then the plane is refeuled. This plane is one of those Buddy Holly type planes. Two propellers sit on the wings and everyone inside is crammed together on the inside like a damn can of sardines. Come to think of it...I think sardines have a little more room. Now, pay attention really closely to this one. DO NOT use any portable electronic devices until the plane is at cruising altitude. This is very important because of cabin pressure. They kinda like for you to use headphones with everything. Oh yeah...and turn off the wireless features to anything you've got...that will royally start to fuck with the instruments in the cockpit and, unless you're a fan of pants-shitting turbulence with NORAD interception...it's just a good damn idea to let your precious business proposal sit pretty in your email for a bit. Okay, well the former thing about leaving that iPod off until the plane was in the air...I didn't listen to that and know what the result was?
Ever had a pair of earbuds feel like Lou Ferrigno is shoving them into your ears while growling at you like The Incredible Hulk? Yeah, well when that cabin pressurizes and your ears pop because you didn't chew some gum and you decided to listen to that damn song because you can't get it outta your head, you'll know the feeling. Geeeeeeeez, that sucked!
Okay, so this Buddy Holly plane which sounds like someone blowing an extended raspberry with spitting and sputtering while you're wondering whether this thing is going to make the 45-minute flight is now in the air. Since the cabin pressurized when they closed the fucking door, you're probably already like me looking at that flight attendant thinking Way ahead of ya, sweet thang! Now, it's a real nightmare because you're going to have to go through the ear-popping again with your connecting flight and you're just praying to God that it's bigger than this pack of gum with 20 people crammed into it.
Now, when this thing lands, forget that tire screech...that doesn't happen. What does happen is a lotta turbulence and then BOOM...it lands. No lie, that's how these damn things work. Now, you have to go piss like a racehorse because that ONE coke you had has decided that a rapid evacuation of the bladder is in order. So you're now in one of the biggest damn airports in the world and you're charged with the task of finding a bathroom AND your gate in time. I had the fortunate instance of doing both JUST before the plane boarded...and still managed to find the time to buy some Crocs flip-flops which are comfy as hell.
Now, bigger plane, bigger buncha damn procedure. First class passengers board first and then they board all others from front to back. You should see this damn parade. One more thing, your seat can become arbitrary in a split second so don't have your heart set on that window seat. I know because some really stuck up chick took the seat assigned to me and when I pointed this out, she looked me up and down and then ignored my presence. This caused several people to become irritated with ME. Like I had any fucking say in the matter. Hopefully, she was identified as a problem passenger and booted unceremoniously later. What happened to me? Well, I ended up in a seat with a spacing far smaller than the plane I was on before. The movies really are fulla shit. There's not enough room to use my fucking iPod much less a laptop computer.
This time, I listened to the instructions about the electronic devices and just decided to take a nap...if I had to sit in a space smaller than a coffin nail...that broad had to listen to my snoring. Fair deal, in my opinion. There truly are no guarantees in life other than instant Karma.
About three hours later...I land at Philadelphia International Airport and disembark from the plane. I met up with Misty and had to wait nearly a half hour for my damn suitcase. The woman that took my seat was engaged in conversation across the carousel from me talking about the man who sat in front of her who snored loudly and farted on her. Lesson learned, I guess...when you're in another man's seat...fucking move it! I have no mercy on rude people. When I finally snagged my suitcase, it was out the front door. Wel over eight hours had passed and I needed a cigarette like you wouldn't believe. There's the other lesson. Be polite to people on buses, planes, and trains...you never know what is creating the hair trigger they're on. A smoker who hasn't had one in awhile and has a book on his computer about CIA Revenge Tactics becomes a motherfucker when engaged.
Off the plane, halfway through my damn smoke, the shuttle comes to take us to parking. Now that I'm on this thing, all I have to hold onto is a handrail and I'm being thrown all over the place. At one point I think my legs actually came up off the ground and my deathgrip on the handrail is all that kept me in place. Finally at parking, we get into Misty's car and now, I'm smoking like a frieght train, marvelling at the grandeur of Philadelphia. Rocky was filmed there, yanno!
Once we're in South Jersey, I meet her parents. Nice people. Her mom is a former biochemist and her dad is a WWII/Korea Veteran both of whom I respect very much. We sat there in the living room talking about old movies, comic book superheroes and the comparisons between Louisiana and New Jersey. One of the biggest that I immediately noted was how tightly crammed together most houses were. It was truly like something outta Spider-Man. All the back yards are only SLIGHTLY bigger than the front yards. The whole time that I'm getting to know her parents, their dog, Pal, is terrified of me. Apparently, he was rescued from a pound who rescued him from, of all places, a brothel in a bad neighborhood. When we leave her parents house, it's time to do the one thing I've practically neglected all day...eat.
Misty had told me of some place called Red, Hot, And Blue. She claimed that this was true Southern food. Okay, look, I'm a Southern guy and I can tell you Popeyes is still falsely claiming that it's chicken is New Orleans flavored...it's not...not by a long shot. I swore that I was going to taste something slightly off. Nope, the ribs were out of this world, the fries were awesome, the sweet potato fries are a real treat and the pecan pie...the best I've ever had. A truly Southern experience right there in South Jersey. SWEET!!!
After we ate and I couldn't eat any more, it was back to Misty's place where her adorable fat-as-hell cats, Maggie and Jessie would have nothing to do with me. They were pretty pissed at Misty too thinking I was their replacement. Like I can replace fucking cats! Long story short, we turned in for the night because we had a trip the next day...To New York City! Pictures and the like will be following.
What a trip this was! Wait til you hear the rest of this one!
October 21st was my first time on a plane in 25 years. I was just a little kid the last time I was on one and I distinctly remember those planes having a LOT more goddamn room on them. For those of you who have NEVER been on a plane...let me enlighten you on the wonderful world of flying.
First, there's checking in. Gotta get that one bag into cargo about two hours BEFORE your flight leaves...so have something to do like a crossword puzzle or a video game to play, etc. If you're a smoker, get ready to ditch that precious lighter of yours. If it's a Zippo, you're fucked as far as that goes because there's no way in hell you're taking it aboard. Plan all of your packing at least two days in advance and leave the Zippo at home, favor one of those cheap disposable lighters that hardly works...it won't be such a pain to part with it.
TSA is a lotta damn fun to go through. Take all the electronics out of your bag...you're stickin those into bins. You can leave the chargers and the like in your bag. If you're a total technophile like me, you carry a lot of these devices and chargers. Needless to say, this part takes awhile. If you're travelling in the spring and summer months, wear sandals or flip flops because they're easy to take off. Don't wear any metal and have your Driver's License and Boarding Pass ready. Once you're done emptying your carry-on and sending that part through, you're going through a metal detector. Should you be wearing necklaces or rings or metal-frame eyewear...that should be going through with your bag. This whole process is a nightmare, really if you're travelling through autumn and winter months. At the other end of the metal detector, you're repacking all that crap into your carry-on and then you're going to do the equivalent of getting dressed again. By the way, your coat, sweatshirt and shoes are going through the X-Ray scanner too. Basically, this whole portion of tonight's episode is the equivalent of a search you see in one of those cheesy prison exploitation movies from the early '90s.
Once you're packed and dressed again, you're going to sit at the terminal gate until your plane arrives, everyone on it gets the hell off and then the plane is refeuled. This plane is one of those Buddy Holly type planes. Two propellers sit on the wings and everyone inside is crammed together on the inside like a damn can of sardines. Come to think of it...I think sardines have a little more room. Now, pay attention really closely to this one. DO NOT use any portable electronic devices until the plane is at cruising altitude. This is very important because of cabin pressure. They kinda like for you to use headphones with everything. Oh yeah...and turn off the wireless features to anything you've got...that will royally start to fuck with the instruments in the cockpit and, unless you're a fan of pants-shitting turbulence with NORAD interception...it's just a good damn idea to let your precious business proposal sit pretty in your email for a bit. Okay, well the former thing about leaving that iPod off until the plane was in the air...I didn't listen to that and know what the result was?
Ever had a pair of earbuds feel like Lou Ferrigno is shoving them into your ears while growling at you like The Incredible Hulk? Yeah, well when that cabin pressurizes and your ears pop because you didn't chew some gum and you decided to listen to that damn song because you can't get it outta your head, you'll know the feeling. Geeeeeeeez, that sucked!
Okay, so this Buddy Holly plane which sounds like someone blowing an extended raspberry with spitting and sputtering while you're wondering whether this thing is going to make the 45-minute flight is now in the air. Since the cabin pressurized when they closed the fucking door, you're probably already like me looking at that flight attendant thinking Way ahead of ya, sweet thang! Now, it's a real nightmare because you're going to have to go through the ear-popping again with your connecting flight and you're just praying to God that it's bigger than this pack of gum with 20 people crammed into it.
Now, when this thing lands, forget that tire screech...that doesn't happen. What does happen is a lotta turbulence and then BOOM...it lands. No lie, that's how these damn things work. Now, you have to go piss like a racehorse because that ONE coke you had has decided that a rapid evacuation of the bladder is in order. So you're now in one of the biggest damn airports in the world and you're charged with the task of finding a bathroom AND your gate in time. I had the fortunate instance of doing both JUST before the plane boarded...and still managed to find the time to buy some Crocs flip-flops which are comfy as hell.
Now, bigger plane, bigger buncha damn procedure. First class passengers board first and then they board all others from front to back. You should see this damn parade. One more thing, your seat can become arbitrary in a split second so don't have your heart set on that window seat. I know because some really stuck up chick took the seat assigned to me and when I pointed this out, she looked me up and down and then ignored my presence. This caused several people to become irritated with ME. Like I had any fucking say in the matter. Hopefully, she was identified as a problem passenger and booted unceremoniously later. What happened to me? Well, I ended up in a seat with a spacing far smaller than the plane I was on before. The movies really are fulla shit. There's not enough room to use my fucking iPod much less a laptop computer.
This time, I listened to the instructions about the electronic devices and just decided to take a nap...if I had to sit in a space smaller than a coffin nail...that broad had to listen to my snoring. Fair deal, in my opinion. There truly are no guarantees in life other than instant Karma.
About three hours later...I land at Philadelphia International Airport and disembark from the plane. I met up with Misty and had to wait nearly a half hour for my damn suitcase. The woman that took my seat was engaged in conversation across the carousel from me talking about the man who sat in front of her who snored loudly and farted on her. Lesson learned, I guess...when you're in another man's seat...fucking move it! I have no mercy on rude people. When I finally snagged my suitcase, it was out the front door. Wel over eight hours had passed and I needed a cigarette like you wouldn't believe. There's the other lesson. Be polite to people on buses, planes, and trains...you never know what is creating the hair trigger they're on. A smoker who hasn't had one in awhile and has a book on his computer about CIA Revenge Tactics becomes a motherfucker when engaged.
Off the plane, halfway through my damn smoke, the shuttle comes to take us to parking. Now that I'm on this thing, all I have to hold onto is a handrail and I'm being thrown all over the place. At one point I think my legs actually came up off the ground and my deathgrip on the handrail is all that kept me in place. Finally at parking, we get into Misty's car and now, I'm smoking like a frieght train, marvelling at the grandeur of Philadelphia. Rocky was filmed there, yanno!
Once we're in South Jersey, I meet her parents. Nice people. Her mom is a former biochemist and her dad is a WWII/Korea Veteran both of whom I respect very much. We sat there in the living room talking about old movies, comic book superheroes and the comparisons between Louisiana and New Jersey. One of the biggest that I immediately noted was how tightly crammed together most houses were. It was truly like something outta Spider-Man. All the back yards are only SLIGHTLY bigger than the front yards. The whole time that I'm getting to know her parents, their dog, Pal, is terrified of me. Apparently, he was rescued from a pound who rescued him from, of all places, a brothel in a bad neighborhood. When we leave her parents house, it's time to do the one thing I've practically neglected all day...eat.
Misty had told me of some place called Red, Hot, And Blue. She claimed that this was true Southern food. Okay, look, I'm a Southern guy and I can tell you Popeyes is still falsely claiming that it's chicken is New Orleans flavored...it's not...not by a long shot. I swore that I was going to taste something slightly off. Nope, the ribs were out of this world, the fries were awesome, the sweet potato fries are a real treat and the pecan pie...the best I've ever had. A truly Southern experience right there in South Jersey. SWEET!!!
After we ate and I couldn't eat any more, it was back to Misty's place where her adorable fat-as-hell cats, Maggie and Jessie would have nothing to do with me. They were pretty pissed at Misty too thinking I was their replacement. Like I can replace fucking cats! Long story short, we turned in for the night because we had a trip the next day...To New York City! Pictures and the like will be following.
What a trip this was! Wait til you hear the rest of this one!
posted by Lord Genocyde at 3:54 PM
1 Comments:
WHERE R U???
I fucked up so bad D.
will be back here to catch up on what's been happening w/ you hun
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