Episode 104: SPARTANS!!! PREPARE FOR GLORY!!!
I've never really liked having more than two roomies at a time and preferably unrelated. If it's one thing I truly despise worse than having Milton Berle pick my butt (it's never happened but I figured it was better than most analogies I could think of), it's having family disputes brought into my house. It's only one of a laundry list of complaints with my new roomies. Granted, at times they're fun, fairly easy to talk to and I have no problems leaving the house without worrying if I'm going to come home to some chemical-fueled clusterfuck in my living room.
Over the past several months or so, I've lost access to my favorite sleeping spot...my couch, I've actually been DENIED the privelege of watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force on occasion, I haven't seen my wrestling since that one night of pizza and beer, UFC, Ultimate Fighter, Elite XC? Nope, haven't seen those either and let's not forget the lifeblood of my show....recording. I haven't been able to do that yet either. Why? Imagine hearing something that I recorded with someone in the background incessantly chiming, "Hey D! D! Hey D! D!" I'm not kidding.
There's another complaint I feel the need to file...NOTHING happens when I'm bored off my ass and have absolutely dick to do besides stare for hours at mind-numbing porn and take care of what's becoming a seven-time-per-day-going-for-eight habit. Draw your own conclusions. On the phone, in the middle of a show, recording, writing, name the time, I pretty much have to wait until they're all asleep to get any of this done. It's like somewhere, somehow, they store information to tell me when I'm in the middle of doing something and when I finally put the shit on hold because someone on the other end of the line calls this shit to my attention and then I get, "Oh...I'll tell you later." it makes me thank God that my phone is a Razor in name only or I'd be slicing some throats. What makes it even worse is when they feel they have to apologize the minute you're in the middle of your conversation again.
Oh but that's not all...leave it to me to find the real prize winners. The unmotivated ones...the ones that haven't quite reached past childhood (like the other two weren't big damn clues, right?) and feel that anything goes and they have zero in the way of obligations. Well, I beg to fucking differ. We recently got one dude in who's been bugging the piss out of me to show him what I know about the Post WWII Hand-To-Hand I've been studying for the past two, going on three years now. I kept blowing him off because I felt he had the wrong attitude. Finally, I caved but figured he should have to prove himself. He objected when I decided to conduct it like a class. Yep, he has to read, take notes, consult and then be quizzed. Wrong move #1. Then, he never even cracks the books I put down for him to read. Wrong move #2. Not only that but he simply lacks ANY motivation whatsoever and his attitude just plain sucks. Wrong move #3. I don't think I need to go on but when I see a kid with anger issues, a self-pity complex and then tells his girlfriend that, in the event that his drinking turns him into an asshole (and I guess all the aforementioned hasn't been a clue to him yet), to stop him...that's proof positive that he doesn't even begin to comprehend the seriousness of what he's getting himself into. Last night, he decided to get cute by taking pokes at me. Must have been the Jagermeister writing checks I know his ass can't cash. He actually told me that whenever I feel froggy to jump.
Ok, let's get one thing straight...I never feel froggy. I'm like a fuckin bunny and unless you want Thumper here to lay a bunny-footed smackdown on your stupid ass you just don't fucking say things like that...especially in my lair.
Now, combinations of these things, PLUS the roomies constantly using my computer because theirs has a virus and despite repeated blow-by-blows on how to fix the damn problem...it hasn't been done, I've just retreated into my room. I'm not one for confrontation but with my hip killing me from sitting on the bed and using the laptop all this time, I felt enough was enough...here comes the line in the sand and it's not going to be pleasant.
I think my emergence from my hole was ill-timed. The repeated venomous threats that I threw back with a razor-tongued edge at the roomie who was suddenly full of Jager turned him into a "Dude, I'm sorry I was only joking" kinda guy. Next bottle that surfaces in this house, I'm jacking it...the dude drank nearly all my beer leaving me only two. Normally, I don't get bent outta shape about that but goddammit, stuffing my case with cans of Dr. Pepper is bullshit. I'm going to make him go broke getting off that shit because it's not allowing him to think and he can barely do that independently. He's got a job that's attempting to make him quit, a girlfriend who's having doubts about the relationship and a teacher that refuses to show him any respect (that's me...until he flunks three tests) because he is a fucking idiot.
When he expressed his concern about his own drinking to his girlfriend, I butted in.
"The answer to your problem is simple," I said, "Lay off the fucking sauce and then all you have to worry about is quitting your shitty judgment calls."
Simple enough, right?
"Go on..." he said.
I wanted to plug his throat with that damned bottle of Jager sitting in my freezer. I couldn't believe a solution so simple was actually THIS evasive to this guy. It was pretty simple to me. I guess I'd have to simplify it even further so that the brain dead on life support with only half of a synapse firing could understand. Jesus H. Jumped-Up Christ this kid is fucked.
Last night was my night to finally just take my computer and at least some semblance of normal use of my place back. This last stand is going to be gruesome to say the least.
I guess when having a phone stuck to your ear, headphones on or chronic masturbation isn't a fucking clue that you're not to be disturbed the screams of "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING BEATING YA JERKOFF!" has to suffice. It would just be better if I never had to do that but you know...sometimes, you just gotta rally up the troops and go on a deathmarch.
Over the past several months or so, I've lost access to my favorite sleeping spot...my couch, I've actually been DENIED the privelege of watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force on occasion, I haven't seen my wrestling since that one night of pizza and beer, UFC, Ultimate Fighter, Elite XC? Nope, haven't seen those either and let's not forget the lifeblood of my show....recording. I haven't been able to do that yet either. Why? Imagine hearing something that I recorded with someone in the background incessantly chiming, "Hey D! D! Hey D! D!" I'm not kidding.
There's another complaint I feel the need to file...NOTHING happens when I'm bored off my ass and have absolutely dick to do besides stare for hours at mind-numbing porn and take care of what's becoming a seven-time-per-day-going-for-eight habit. Draw your own conclusions. On the phone, in the middle of a show, recording, writing, name the time, I pretty much have to wait until they're all asleep to get any of this done. It's like somewhere, somehow, they store information to tell me when I'm in the middle of doing something and when I finally put the shit on hold because someone on the other end of the line calls this shit to my attention and then I get, "Oh...I'll tell you later." it makes me thank God that my phone is a Razor in name only or I'd be slicing some throats. What makes it even worse is when they feel they have to apologize the minute you're in the middle of your conversation again.
Oh but that's not all...leave it to me to find the real prize winners. The unmotivated ones...the ones that haven't quite reached past childhood (like the other two weren't big damn clues, right?) and feel that anything goes and they have zero in the way of obligations. Well, I beg to fucking differ. We recently got one dude in who's been bugging the piss out of me to show him what I know about the Post WWII Hand-To-Hand I've been studying for the past two, going on three years now. I kept blowing him off because I felt he had the wrong attitude. Finally, I caved but figured he should have to prove himself. He objected when I decided to conduct it like a class. Yep, he has to read, take notes, consult and then be quizzed. Wrong move #1. Then, he never even cracks the books I put down for him to read. Wrong move #2. Not only that but he simply lacks ANY motivation whatsoever and his attitude just plain sucks. Wrong move #3. I don't think I need to go on but when I see a kid with anger issues, a self-pity complex and then tells his girlfriend that, in the event that his drinking turns him into an asshole (and I guess all the aforementioned hasn't been a clue to him yet), to stop him...that's proof positive that he doesn't even begin to comprehend the seriousness of what he's getting himself into. Last night, he decided to get cute by taking pokes at me. Must have been the Jagermeister writing checks I know his ass can't cash. He actually told me that whenever I feel froggy to jump.
Ok, let's get one thing straight...I never feel froggy. I'm like a fuckin bunny and unless you want Thumper here to lay a bunny-footed smackdown on your stupid ass you just don't fucking say things like that...especially in my lair.
Now, combinations of these things, PLUS the roomies constantly using my computer because theirs has a virus and despite repeated blow-by-blows on how to fix the damn problem...it hasn't been done, I've just retreated into my room. I'm not one for confrontation but with my hip killing me from sitting on the bed and using the laptop all this time, I felt enough was enough...here comes the line in the sand and it's not going to be pleasant.
I think my emergence from my hole was ill-timed. The repeated venomous threats that I threw back with a razor-tongued edge at the roomie who was suddenly full of Jager turned him into a "Dude, I'm sorry I was only joking" kinda guy. Next bottle that surfaces in this house, I'm jacking it...the dude drank nearly all my beer leaving me only two. Normally, I don't get bent outta shape about that but goddammit, stuffing my case with cans of Dr. Pepper is bullshit. I'm going to make him go broke getting off that shit because it's not allowing him to think and he can barely do that independently. He's got a job that's attempting to make him quit, a girlfriend who's having doubts about the relationship and a teacher that refuses to show him any respect (that's me...until he flunks three tests) because he is a fucking idiot.
When he expressed his concern about his own drinking to his girlfriend, I butted in.
"The answer to your problem is simple," I said, "Lay off the fucking sauce and then all you have to worry about is quitting your shitty judgment calls."
Simple enough, right?
"Go on..." he said.
I wanted to plug his throat with that damned bottle of Jager sitting in my freezer. I couldn't believe a solution so simple was actually THIS evasive to this guy. It was pretty simple to me. I guess I'd have to simplify it even further so that the brain dead on life support with only half of a synapse firing could understand. Jesus H. Jumped-Up Christ this kid is fucked.
Last night was my night to finally just take my computer and at least some semblance of normal use of my place back. This last stand is going to be gruesome to say the least.
I guess when having a phone stuck to your ear, headphones on or chronic masturbation isn't a fucking clue that you're not to be disturbed the screams of "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING BEATING YA JERKOFF!" has to suffice. It would just be better if I never had to do that but you know...sometimes, you just gotta rally up the troops and go on a deathmarch.
posted by Lord Genocyde at 8:01 AM
2 Comments:
Hey D.....Hey D!!!
That remind you of anybody?lol(my bad)
Whew! I even feel better since you got that off your chest.Sounds like you got your plate full.#1.You CAN'T teach a drunk s***! They'll forget everything you said or showed to them when sober.So give that up.
And #2.WTF?? Are you on Viagra,hun?How in the holy h.can u nut THAT many times a day?(wow...that reminds me.I was trying to think of a time I nutted more than 2 times,and I DO recall a time when Ray and I were on meth and I ....cough-cough.....well,you know...I got my planets twirled 5 times!!!) No s****! I didn't think a woman could do that.
OK-OK--that's beside the point.We need to get you a new GF to handle up on that or your gona get arthritus too soon,chief!
#4...or am I at #3...oh wtf,here's the REAL deal.NOBODY...I mean NOBODY should be on your computer.Nobody is allowed to touch mine.If it's gona get F'D up..."I" will be the one to do THAT.
What's going on with the show.Now that I've got hi-speed,I hardly have time to get online.Doesn't that suck?
Oh...one more thing,cutie.You have NEVER EVER been one to hold back when you got something to say.So are you telling this alcaholic to either get the F'K off the sauce or buy his own beers?Dr.Pepper cans in your case or 30 pk ain't too freakin cool.That's deserves a good ol' Texas ass-kickin right there!!
love ya
Tammi...ok, here go the answers to all your questions. If some of them are TMI just remember...ya had to ask.
1. Actually, I can teach any drunk anything. Retention won't be a problem. See, pleasure is something we all strive for but we will strive beyond measure to escape pain. Every lesson I've had to be taught while drunk was painful and I remember them one and all. Every lesson I had to teach a drunk was painful and I don't mind teaching it again if they forget.
2. I'm a sexually seasonal kinda guy. I might go for months without the subject crossing my mind but the minute my seasons change...it's 24/7. I actually asked myself how I could accomplish something of this magnitude without chemicals and the only answer my mind would give me is, "You know...if it weren't for Misty and your ordination, you could be a porn star." As far as getting new girlfriends or whatever. I've found the one I'm gonna stick with. Why would I wait and move out to Jersey and do all that? Because none of the most twisted shit I have in my head even made her flinch. Misty pretty much knows all there is to know about me and isn't afraid of it in the least. Trust me, some of the things I have in my head have made even me instantly single.
3. Unfortunately, it's a situation I'm unable to control. Nevermind that I speak until I'm blue in the face, the fact is that there are two of them that do their classes online and guess what? I have to make a concession. That much I understand but everything gets monitored. I kill programs despite protests and the first bit of something foul comes up and no one but me will be using it...online school be damned.
I'll be telling him several things when I get the time to do it (work right now is a real bitch) but among them are the following:
1. Lay off the damn sauce totally. When he's drinking before work because "They're just gonna fire me anyway." I think that says something about his attitude. Yeah, go ahead, dumbass, give 'em a fuckin reason. Might as well quit.
2. Any bottles turn up in the house henceforth...they belong to me. whether used for my own drinking purposes or dumped down the drain will be entirely at my own discretion.
3. Should he become ten stories tall and indestructible again...the sum of every fear he has will be realized when I shatter that stupid fucking illusion.
4. If he must continue to disrespect Melissa verbally, he will accept beatings by myself and Phoenix. Mercy will not enter into the vocabulary.
5. Finally, if he's going to learn this self-defense shit, he's going to have to prove himself first. He's going to shape up or ship the fuck out because, frankly, what he is pitching in isn't enough to deal with his bullshit. If he's not then he needs to come clean and quit wasting my time. I've got shit to do and I'm not going to wait around while he sits on his shoulders playing video games all day.
I think that's pretty fair of me. I mean, at least I'm not gonna cut his heart out with a spoon.
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