Episode 12: You're Experiencing User Error
I've reached a new conclusion. Some people have no business owning anything that requires current and voltage.
Okay, I understand that the digital conversion that has baffled people. I understand that.
The reason that The Bishop of The Church of The Cathode Ray TekShop ordained me is because I also possess the gift of prophecy. I saw the confused looks coming. I saw the heads being scratched. I saw the blank expressions.
A digital conversion box is simple. First, get one of those boxes if you haven't snagged one of those snazzy flat-screen TVs yet.
For those who won't get one of the newer TVs, I don't blame you for that. Why toss perfectly good machinery, right? Right! Okay, with that sort of knowledge in the bank, let's move on.
Okay, now that you have your converter box (which is about the size of a small DVD player) you might as well go ahead and snag an amplified HDTV antenna. You'll need that too. Why? Because the digital signal doesn't reach out as far as the analog signal. Yeah, they kinda left that crap out.
Okay, understand the brilliance involved here. The creators of those flat-screen TVs knew they were overpriced and they came out at the worst time. With an economy on life support and walking around with an iron lung breathing like Darth Vader, they knew that their clever inventions just weren't going to fly off the shelves. Next, the government mandates by law that all analog signals must be converted to digital signals. Okay, cool. Then they throw a website at us. If you have cable or digital cable, you don't need the box. If you don't have any of those, you need a box and an antenna. Well, you heard all about the benefits but the fine print tells you that this wasn't such a great idea, actually.
I can see where that creates a problem but what I cannot comprehend is why...FUCKING WHY must I deal with people who insist on not just bending or breaking but PULVERIZING every goddamned commandment set forth by The Church.
Let me explain. Each port is not only labelled but COLOR CODED to the point where you only have to match up the colors. Simple, right? Not to this parishioner.
She showed up earlier that day with the most blank expression I have ever seen on anyone. See, when I wasn't an initiate of the order, I had the freedom to walk away from a situation once I'd explained it in simplest terms. She explained that she got the conversion box and she just stopped recieving signals. Okay, but she didn't have an amplified antenna. I explained that this is one of the items she'd need and even explained how to hook it up. It's ONE CABLE!!!! ONLY ONE!!! Not that hard, folks. She. Did. Not. Get. It. She then explained that her remote control stopped working but couldn't remember if she had even replaced the batteries. She said that she'd return with the stuff so I could show her how to hook it all up.
Hey...great. If it's one thing I can do it's demonstrate. When explanations fail, demonstrations never do.
Personally, I had hoped that she'd wait until Monday or possibly waiting for one of my colleagues to show her what was happening. I was having a frustrating day. People were turning away the Divine Intervention Services we offer. I did NOT want to look at the data feedback because I knew it would only serve to further my frustration. I needed to think that I was converting souls to pass easily into the Heavenly gates of Cyberspace. I knew I wasn't but I needed to believe I was in order to stay motivated. Each of us has an area of specialty. Mine is computers, another has computers and home entertainment. The initiate with whom I worked specializes in home entertainment and our High Priest specializes in everything but computers. I would have hoped she would have consulted with our home entertainment guy.
She didn't...she made a beeline for me. It was everything I could do to keep from breaking out in a cold sweat.
Oh Lord of The Engines...Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?
I picked up the box containing the Digital Conversion Box...it was still taped. This is when it occurred to me that this person has the I.Q. of a fucking bag full of hammerheads. My apologies to any quality Craftsman Hammer Heads that may have been offended by that comment. She had never made the attempt at hooking up this box to the TV.
People, if some box had a mystical ability to aid in your signal getting to your TV so you could watch it, I might be inclined to believe that. Electricity is pretty mystifying but you have to FUCKING WIRE IT DIRECTLY INTO YOUR TV FIRST!!!! Just because you buy boxing gloves doesn't mean you're Rocky Goddamn Balboa. Just because you bought a gun doesn't mean you're the Terminator. Just because you bought a copy of Back To The Future doesn't mean you're going to own a time-travelling fucking DeLorean. Starting to see where I'm going with this. It was suddenly made very apparent to me that this person only thought buying the box would guarantee that she wouldn't lose her signal. Obviously, they forgot to tell her that she had to hook it up to her TV first.
I hooked the antenna directly into the box and then showed her what hooked into the TV. It's ONE CABLE!!!! One Fucking Cable!!! It's not neurosurgery. No one's asking her to slap a 2 terabyte wetwire implant into my fucking cerebellum. It's just one cable, it plugs into the TV's cable port, you plug the electrical cord into the wall along with the same cord from the antenna and there you go...you should have signal. Simple, effective.
She asked me if the box need batteries. Okay, it has an electrical cord and it doesn't unplug from the box. Why in the blue ringed fuck would it need batteries?! Sweet Christ it never ends.
It's shit like this that makes me want to scream the word "Fuck" at random.
It gets better...wait until you hear this shit.
She's also brought the remote and still can't remember if she's replaced the batteries. Now, I understand that batteries are easily replaceable but when in doubt, if it doesn't work, just change the batteries again. If it doesn't work after that...it's not the batteries.
I ended up explaining that I could replace the batteries but there was no way for me to test the remote here. TVs at home, remote is here...guess what's NOT happening? Okay! Now that we understand... She gets a new universal remote...a cheap one. I could have sold her one of the expensive remotes and explained a bad experience with the cheap one but I felt merciful. Poor fool was already walking through this universe with no knowledge of anything electronic. I was amazed that she had acquired and had maintained a license to fucking drive for this many years.
I am a little too ethical even for my own good.
Keep in mind, the whole time this is going on, she will not shut the fuck up. I'm halfway through answering the previous question and I'm being bombarded with another one. Look, if you don't have the time for me to answer your question, enter a damn chat room. The fact that I made it halfway through the first question was progress. That progress was pretty short-lived.
Now, I managed to solve every problem she brought to the best of my ability until she laid the last bomb on me...she had a battery-operated Christmas ornament and the batteries needed replacing but she didn't know how to get the batteries out but she was pretty sure that battery acid was leaking out.
Oh...Why Not?! What the hell!
I opened that damned thing after conquering the three-bag obstacle course she put me through and then, I took those batteries out, wrapped them in plastic and tossed them. The truth was, this damned thing needed a cleaning and an all-night drying.
Okay, now, I sold her the amplified antenna without the Divine Intervention Service, the remote, also without service and the batteries.
Finally, she was gone and Misty bore witness to this whole event.
The way I figured it, the war was over and I had just endured Hell. I no longer fear Hell anymore. I have already looked into it's abyss and now, nothing ...not even death scares me.
So, we're at the point where we're wrapping up for the night. I'm counting the last drawer and what happens, phone rings. Normally, we'd ignore it but my colleague, the Home Entertainment Initiate answered it. He put it on speaker and I heard the voice and panic gripped my poor, bedraggled mind. It was her.
She wanted to know if the box needed time to warm up.
Now, I really wanted to randomly scream the word "Fuck" and start telling the woman to return all the items and go live with the fucking Amish where she'd never have to worry about any electronic devices ever again.
I thought better of it and figured maybe I should go live with the Amish and seek asylum.
Our High Priest is rolling his eyes, our H.I. Priest is explaining that I'm not there and that there was really only so much that could be done and instructed her to stop in tomorrow. Hopefully, she does so before I have to be in...because quite frankly, I'm not dealing with it. I refuse. I will do anything for anyone but I WILL FUCKING NOT deal with this situation any longer.
Perhaps if I perform self-flagellation with a handful of speakerwire, The Lord of The Engines will have mercy upon me.
Then again, string me up and just lash the crap out of me. I'll hand you all a roll of thin as shit speaker wire and give you one full hour to just take your best shots.
Anything but another descent into TekHell...
BACK TO CYBERHELL DEMON!!!!!!!
User Error has never been so frustrating.
Okay, I understand that the digital conversion that has baffled people. I understand that.
The reason that The Bishop of The Church of The Cathode Ray TekShop ordained me is because I also possess the gift of prophecy. I saw the confused looks coming. I saw the heads being scratched. I saw the blank expressions.
A digital conversion box is simple. First, get one of those boxes if you haven't snagged one of those snazzy flat-screen TVs yet.
For those who won't get one of the newer TVs, I don't blame you for that. Why toss perfectly good machinery, right? Right! Okay, with that sort of knowledge in the bank, let's move on.
Okay, now that you have your converter box (which is about the size of a small DVD player) you might as well go ahead and snag an amplified HDTV antenna. You'll need that too. Why? Because the digital signal doesn't reach out as far as the analog signal. Yeah, they kinda left that crap out.
Okay, understand the brilliance involved here. The creators of those flat-screen TVs knew they were overpriced and they came out at the worst time. With an economy on life support and walking around with an iron lung breathing like Darth Vader, they knew that their clever inventions just weren't going to fly off the shelves. Next, the government mandates by law that all analog signals must be converted to digital signals. Okay, cool. Then they throw a website at us. If you have cable or digital cable, you don't need the box. If you don't have any of those, you need a box and an antenna. Well, you heard all about the benefits but the fine print tells you that this wasn't such a great idea, actually.
I can see where that creates a problem but what I cannot comprehend is why...FUCKING WHY must I deal with people who insist on not just bending or breaking but PULVERIZING every goddamned commandment set forth by The Church.
Let me explain. Each port is not only labelled but COLOR CODED to the point where you only have to match up the colors. Simple, right? Not to this parishioner.
She showed up earlier that day with the most blank expression I have ever seen on anyone. See, when I wasn't an initiate of the order, I had the freedom to walk away from a situation once I'd explained it in simplest terms. She explained that she got the conversion box and she just stopped recieving signals. Okay, but she didn't have an amplified antenna. I explained that this is one of the items she'd need and even explained how to hook it up. It's ONE CABLE!!!! ONLY ONE!!! Not that hard, folks. She. Did. Not. Get. It. She then explained that her remote control stopped working but couldn't remember if she had even replaced the batteries. She said that she'd return with the stuff so I could show her how to hook it all up.
Hey...great. If it's one thing I can do it's demonstrate. When explanations fail, demonstrations never do.
Personally, I had hoped that she'd wait until Monday or possibly waiting for one of my colleagues to show her what was happening. I was having a frustrating day. People were turning away the Divine Intervention Services we offer. I did NOT want to look at the data feedback because I knew it would only serve to further my frustration. I needed to think that I was converting souls to pass easily into the Heavenly gates of Cyberspace. I knew I wasn't but I needed to believe I was in order to stay motivated. Each of us has an area of specialty. Mine is computers, another has computers and home entertainment. The initiate with whom I worked specializes in home entertainment and our High Priest specializes in everything but computers. I would have hoped she would have consulted with our home entertainment guy.
She didn't...she made a beeline for me. It was everything I could do to keep from breaking out in a cold sweat.
Oh Lord of The Engines...Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?
I picked up the box containing the Digital Conversion Box...it was still taped. This is when it occurred to me that this person has the I.Q. of a fucking bag full of hammerheads. My apologies to any quality Craftsman Hammer Heads that may have been offended by that comment. She had never made the attempt at hooking up this box to the TV.
People, if some box had a mystical ability to aid in your signal getting to your TV so you could watch it, I might be inclined to believe that. Electricity is pretty mystifying but you have to FUCKING WIRE IT DIRECTLY INTO YOUR TV FIRST!!!! Just because you buy boxing gloves doesn't mean you're Rocky Goddamn Balboa. Just because you bought a gun doesn't mean you're the Terminator. Just because you bought a copy of Back To The Future doesn't mean you're going to own a time-travelling fucking DeLorean. Starting to see where I'm going with this. It was suddenly made very apparent to me that this person only thought buying the box would guarantee that she wouldn't lose her signal. Obviously, they forgot to tell her that she had to hook it up to her TV first.
I hooked the antenna directly into the box and then showed her what hooked into the TV. It's ONE CABLE!!!! One Fucking Cable!!! It's not neurosurgery. No one's asking her to slap a 2 terabyte wetwire implant into my fucking cerebellum. It's just one cable, it plugs into the TV's cable port, you plug the electrical cord into the wall along with the same cord from the antenna and there you go...you should have signal. Simple, effective.
She asked me if the box need batteries. Okay, it has an electrical cord and it doesn't unplug from the box. Why in the blue ringed fuck would it need batteries?! Sweet Christ it never ends.
It's shit like this that makes me want to scream the word "Fuck" at random.
It gets better...wait until you hear this shit.
She's also brought the remote and still can't remember if she's replaced the batteries. Now, I understand that batteries are easily replaceable but when in doubt, if it doesn't work, just change the batteries again. If it doesn't work after that...it's not the batteries.
I ended up explaining that I could replace the batteries but there was no way for me to test the remote here. TVs at home, remote is here...guess what's NOT happening? Okay! Now that we understand... She gets a new universal remote...a cheap one. I could have sold her one of the expensive remotes and explained a bad experience with the cheap one but I felt merciful. Poor fool was already walking through this universe with no knowledge of anything electronic. I was amazed that she had acquired and had maintained a license to fucking drive for this many years.
I am a little too ethical even for my own good.
Keep in mind, the whole time this is going on, she will not shut the fuck up. I'm halfway through answering the previous question and I'm being bombarded with another one. Look, if you don't have the time for me to answer your question, enter a damn chat room. The fact that I made it halfway through the first question was progress. That progress was pretty short-lived.
Now, I managed to solve every problem she brought to the best of my ability until she laid the last bomb on me...she had a battery-operated Christmas ornament and the batteries needed replacing but she didn't know how to get the batteries out but she was pretty sure that battery acid was leaking out.
Oh...Why Not?! What the hell!
I opened that damned thing after conquering the three-bag obstacle course she put me through and then, I took those batteries out, wrapped them in plastic and tossed them. The truth was, this damned thing needed a cleaning and an all-night drying.
Okay, now, I sold her the amplified antenna without the Divine Intervention Service, the remote, also without service and the batteries.
Finally, she was gone and Misty bore witness to this whole event.
The way I figured it, the war was over and I had just endured Hell. I no longer fear Hell anymore. I have already looked into it's abyss and now, nothing ...not even death scares me.
So, we're at the point where we're wrapping up for the night. I'm counting the last drawer and what happens, phone rings. Normally, we'd ignore it but my colleague, the Home Entertainment Initiate answered it. He put it on speaker and I heard the voice and panic gripped my poor, bedraggled mind. It was her.
She wanted to know if the box needed time to warm up.
Now, I really wanted to randomly scream the word "Fuck" and start telling the woman to return all the items and go live with the fucking Amish where she'd never have to worry about any electronic devices ever again.
I thought better of it and figured maybe I should go live with the Amish and seek asylum.
Our High Priest is rolling his eyes, our H.I. Priest is explaining that I'm not there and that there was really only so much that could be done and instructed her to stop in tomorrow. Hopefully, she does so before I have to be in...because quite frankly, I'm not dealing with it. I refuse. I will do anything for anyone but I WILL FUCKING NOT deal with this situation any longer.
Perhaps if I perform self-flagellation with a handful of speakerwire, The Lord of The Engines will have mercy upon me.
Then again, string me up and just lash the crap out of me. I'll hand you all a roll of thin as shit speaker wire and give you one full hour to just take your best shots.
Anything but another descent into TekHell...
BACK TO CYBERHELL DEMON!!!!!!!
User Error has never been so frustrating.
posted by Lord Genocyde at 10:27 PM
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