A Complete Disagreement (Maxim's Fall From Grace)

Excerpted from Maxim Magazine, August of 2006:

Among the 100 Things that Maxim feels I should know about women...I found this:

34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It's only about four minutes long.

I'm sorry did I miss something? Chick rock revolts me? Hey, I happen to like some of Sarah McLachlan's songs and I don't know enough about Ani DiFranco to care whether or not my significant other is singing her music. Hell, take Starlit's Simara Rose...helluva voice and, while it can apply to women anywhere, it can also apply to anyone. Let's go one step further...remember Lita Ford? Yeah, she had the look of the typical hairsprayed rocker back in the day but lyrically, that was chick rock and I still listened, almost religiously at that. Still not convinced? Evanescence, Lacuna Coil, Lorena McKennitt, kHz, The Guano Apes, Reism, Collide...ok, so I don't know that some of these bands are necessarily "chick rock" but hey, if my girlfriend's voice is as good as thiers, she could be singing Nightwish for all I care and I'd be just as happy hearing that.

Maxim's uber-machismo gets in the way again. These beer-swilling swine are tripping over their own private parts, seeking to define a generation of men when their audience consists largely of hormone-addled teenagers, raised on their X-Boxes to the point of nausea. Hey, you know, I'll admit that over half of what Maxim has had in it's pages has not only entertained me but has made me laugh on days when I really needed it but, hey, ladies, listen to me when I say this. Maxim, FHM, Stuff, Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler...these will never define us. Martha Stewart cannot collectively speak for all of you and I understand that but The Big Six are making us look like mead-swilling, sword-swinging, oversexed barbarians from a Michael Crichton novel.

The truth is, I love female fronted bands. Doro Pesch, Rhea's Obsession, Android Lust and Drain STH are among the poor souls I'd left out just now. I've probably forgotten others but hey, you know what? I'm all for them. The only thing that I've not seen a woman do that a man can is pee standing up and, to be honest, somethings are just left to biology and I don't mind that. That's all well and good by me.

Women want to run for politics? Cool but ladies...Hillary already served two terms with her hand rammed up Bill's rectum. Chances are there's a woman out there with some common sense and compassion that we're lacking. Kathleen Blanco doesn't qualify either.

Women want to serve in the military? I'm fine by that but, like any man that serves, you might want to keep in mind what that's going to mean for you. If you're not ready for it, do what I did, opt out.

Women want to hold corporate seats of power? I'm all for that but ladies, please do better than the rest of us and don't get greedy.

Hey, you women want to become rock stars? It's not unheard of! Go for it! If you have stage presence, ability/talent/skill, and the drive and desire to make it, then, in the words of kHz's lead singer, "It's motherfuckin yours...so go get it."

Look, ladies, I won't hold you back just remember that becoming a man's equal is one thing but there is a reason you've collectively been known as our "better halves" and my question is, why settle?

If you're the better half then continue being that way, don't bust your ass to prove you can do the same things I can...you're human! I know you can. I can cook, clean dishes, clean house and all those domestic things, I know you can get a job, balance the bank and keep us afloat in a lot of ways. You don't have jack to prove to me. If anything, I'm of the opinion that men should be the ones striving for equality. Let's face it, if you're our better half then it's us that needs the fixing.

That's it for me. As my friend, Max would say..."Myshutupnow."