Episode 37: Before You Realize It, It's Gone...
On April 7, 2009, I moved away from Louisiana. I left everything that I knew, everything with which I was comfortable, everything which was convenient, everything that made me miserable and everyone that I knew and cared about. I left behind a lot of what I worked for. What I left behind wasn't much but it was mine. There was no doubt that I had worked my ass off for every bit of it.
I'm not much of a gambling man but I decided it was time to actually do a little. I didn't go to the boats though. I didn't roll up into the casinos with a gigantic wad of cash and start playing the blackjack tables or the slots. No, I decided that I'd waited around long enough. I'd done what everyone else thought I should do. I'd done what everyone else thought was right and safe. I'd never once done what I wanted to do. I pissed away every day since I was 22 years old because I thought that I needed to stick with what was safe. Everyone else had this fear of failure...no, I shouldn't say that. Everyone else instilled THEIR fear of failure in ME. I've experienced failure in some things, success in others. Maybe that's the story of everyone's life at different points. I won't hide that it was mine.
When I moved, I was as scared as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rotating gears. I had all those "what ifs" running through my head and not a goddamned one of them was mine. It pissed me off. As much as I loved what few friends I had and my family, many of them seemed bound and determined to keep me in a place I knew I didn't belong. Maybe I have the right mentality for a small town. Maybe I do have some simple values but what I also have is this deep desire to get out there and accomplish something. The way I had it figured, my 20s were over and, if I didn't do it, no one else was going to do it for me and I'd never do it. I've beaten smoking. I've beaten people's ridicule (more on that later) and I've beaten all of the odds put against me at getting here.
I got here on April 9, 2009 and you had best believe that that road was long, hard and unforgiving. I laid that hammer down and never looked back.
Speaking of roads, it's now April 12, 2010. Am I where I want to be? Was it everything I'd hoped for? Well...not quite. I can say that I'm not miserable. I can say that when I wake up and go for my morning walk, seeing all the cherry blossoms and the things that people plant and keep up really makes getting up worth it. I can say that I've met some of the rudest people and some of the kindest people here. For every rude, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breather, there's always someone happy that I'm here. For every person who laughed at some weird one-off idea in Louisiana, four people up here want to know how they can help further it here. I can say all of that. The road has been hard. It's been rough. It hasn't been easy. Then again, what good thing is ever easy?
I can honestly say that there were days that I thought I'd go under tomorrow. There were days where I knew I couldn't live with myself if I didn't extend a helping hand to someone. I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror and like who I am if I just didn't go for it. Some days, it didn't pay to get out of bed. Some days, there was nothing I'd rather do but get out there in the one thing that would blister the hell out of me and normally send me packing ass back indoors...daylight.
It's hard for me to even believe how little of it exists here during the winter. By four-thirty in the afternoon, it's gone and night pretty much makes it's presence known.
Here, I've shared a family's triumph and I've shared in their grief. Mom, Pop, if you're reading this then I know that what I believe is confirmed and I want you to know, I still miss you both.
And that's the other thing...the biggest thing. This family has a tendency of taking in people but more importantly than that, this family also has a tendency to take care of those they take in. It doesn't stop at, "Okay, you're one of us."
I'd like to thank every one of you who supported this move individually but my greatest fear is that I'll forget someone and I don't want anyone's feelings hurt but all of you, you know who you are...thank you so much. Without you, I don't know how the hell I'd have done it.
I have to thank Anne Marie, someone I've only ever met on paper. A lot of support and cheerleading came from a place that I don't even want to imagine. It's probably one of the darkest places on earth and for someone to throw an energy that positive my way...I can't thank you enough. But damn right, I'll spend a lot of time trying.
To Stu, man, I still remember you and I loitering outside of a Circle K when I was a young punk kid verbally abusing all the drunks on Saturday Night, keeping the clerks up at night. Without your encouragement, I probably wouldn't have some of the rather unique perspectives on life that I do now.
Justin, I gotta tell ya, you showed me one thing that's huge...if I fail, I let no one down but myself but if I just lay down and die...then it's all on me and that really does hurt the most. I can't thank you enough for reviving that level of fear of THAT sort of failure.
To my family back in Louisiana. I'd have taken you with me if I could. I'd have happily left behind EVERY material thing I'd ever worked for if you had just come with me. I know that you bug the hell out of me at times. I know that you make me nuts when I really don't feel I need it but that's what family does, I suppose. Without it, we wouldn't even know what the hell else to do with each other.
To all my friends out there, Mikey, Lenny (Cap'n!), Ron, Linda, Biggie, Sammy, Paul, Mark, Angie, Herbert and all of the other people I had the pleasure of working with over the past eight years plus. I've never met anyone like you guys. I probably never will again. I gotta say that the times we worked together, fought together, cut our teeth together, hell those were scars I don't mind bearing. They're stories I don't mind telling. The best part is I'm glad that I got to work with characters instead of just people. I got to hang out with folks that no one could make up if they tried. Sometimes truth was stranger than fiction but most times, it was better than anything I could have read, watched or listened to. Without you guys, I wouldn't have been well-rounded by that series of experiences.
To Lycan and Zeph, thanks for just plain being there. I know at my worst periods, nothing could scare you two away. I can't put into words how much that meant to me and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to figure that out.
To Pet and Bara, had it not been for you two, I wouldn't have believed that this type of arrangement was even possible. If not for watching how you two interacted, I probably wouldn't have attempted it myself.
Finally, to anyone else who reads this blog and supported me and my decisions, who listened to me rant, rave and carry on like some weirdo at times. Forgive me, folks, it's 11:49pm and I'm about to go to bed. I'm not the most brilliant guy at times but give yourself a round of applause and do a little dance. Celebrate because you had a hand in this too.
Now, this is where I don't mention names because I don't want my Thank You List getting dwarfed.
For all those who thought that I'd just be back in a month or two, you thought I wouldn't make it, tried to scare me out of it, told me that I'd just end up failing...you get the idea. I've earned the right to say what my heroes say ...I've Got TWO WORDS FOR YA!!!!
SUCK IT!
Now that that's over, there is one question that's been on a lot of minds. I still talk to some of you via comments to your blogs, email, IM when I can get on, Blackberry and even here in my immediate vicinity and one subject keeps coming up...will I do the show again?
Well, that's still hard to say. Scheduling has a lot to do with it and everyone knows I like the instant gratification that comes with live webcasting. Now would even be a great time to do it because if I were on ShoutCast again, I could be streamed to your phones, patched in through your car stereos...yep, mobility is no longer an issue with Internet Radio. It's, in fact, commercially viable now. Which leaves podcasting, since my schedule is far too erratic for live webcasting. That, I could do.
The biggest question remains...will I ever do The Genocydal Empyre again? The answer is a resounding "No."
The Empyre has fallen. Brought down by mine own hand. It's dead and buried and that is exactly where it should stay. What I started in my 20s can't be maintained in my 30s and shouldn't be. By the time we ended it, we had an alien for a mascot. That should have been a huge clue that it wasn't going in the direction I'd originally dreamed for it. I'll be the first to admit, the soundboards were pretty funny and I'd still keep those around.
No, it would have to be something different. We could take all the stuff you love and build something new with it but it's going to be awhile. I'm not sure even IF I want to do it again just yet. Time will tell. If a new show does come up, best believe the music will still be loud and hard, the topics will be discussed and my opinions will still be as blistering and unwavering unless I change them. Until then, only time will tell.
Before I realized it, a year just blew past me but there is one person I haven't thanked yet...well, make that two.
First, thank you Misty. If it hadn't been for you, I'm not sure that I would have had a goal and I'd have spent the rest of my life doing some stupid "coulda, shoulda, woulda" bullshit. Thanks to you, I'll never think that. I already know what the outcome would have been if I had stayed in Louisiana. I'd be a pile of potential in a pool of piss. I know that, you knew that and I'm glad you took a chance on me when no one else did.
Now, the last one I have to thank...this isn't going to be popular but I want everyone reading this to ask themselves when that's ever stopped me before. I really don't do much talking about what goes on beneath the surface, spiritually speaking. I've run one end of the gamut to the other. Sometimes it's been one extreme to the next but the end result is always the same.
Thank you to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Without you, I know full well I wouldn't be alive today. I wouldn't have made it through the tough times. Maybe I don't know how to formally go about the praying thing these days but I do my best. Thank you always for thinking about me, I'm alive and doing fine.
"I used to dream about
the life I'm living now
I know that there's no doubt
I made it! I made it!"
-Kevin Rudolph "I Made It"
I'm not much of a gambling man but I decided it was time to actually do a little. I didn't go to the boats though. I didn't roll up into the casinos with a gigantic wad of cash and start playing the blackjack tables or the slots. No, I decided that I'd waited around long enough. I'd done what everyone else thought I should do. I'd done what everyone else thought was right and safe. I'd never once done what I wanted to do. I pissed away every day since I was 22 years old because I thought that I needed to stick with what was safe. Everyone else had this fear of failure...no, I shouldn't say that. Everyone else instilled THEIR fear of failure in ME. I've experienced failure in some things, success in others. Maybe that's the story of everyone's life at different points. I won't hide that it was mine.
When I moved, I was as scared as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rotating gears. I had all those "what ifs" running through my head and not a goddamned one of them was mine. It pissed me off. As much as I loved what few friends I had and my family, many of them seemed bound and determined to keep me in a place I knew I didn't belong. Maybe I have the right mentality for a small town. Maybe I do have some simple values but what I also have is this deep desire to get out there and accomplish something. The way I had it figured, my 20s were over and, if I didn't do it, no one else was going to do it for me and I'd never do it. I've beaten smoking. I've beaten people's ridicule (more on that later) and I've beaten all of the odds put against me at getting here.
I got here on April 9, 2009 and you had best believe that that road was long, hard and unforgiving. I laid that hammer down and never looked back.
Speaking of roads, it's now April 12, 2010. Am I where I want to be? Was it everything I'd hoped for? Well...not quite. I can say that I'm not miserable. I can say that when I wake up and go for my morning walk, seeing all the cherry blossoms and the things that people plant and keep up really makes getting up worth it. I can say that I've met some of the rudest people and some of the kindest people here. For every rude, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breather, there's always someone happy that I'm here. For every person who laughed at some weird one-off idea in Louisiana, four people up here want to know how they can help further it here. I can say all of that. The road has been hard. It's been rough. It hasn't been easy. Then again, what good thing is ever easy?
I can honestly say that there were days that I thought I'd go under tomorrow. There were days where I knew I couldn't live with myself if I didn't extend a helping hand to someone. I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror and like who I am if I just didn't go for it. Some days, it didn't pay to get out of bed. Some days, there was nothing I'd rather do but get out there in the one thing that would blister the hell out of me and normally send me packing ass back indoors...daylight.
It's hard for me to even believe how little of it exists here during the winter. By four-thirty in the afternoon, it's gone and night pretty much makes it's presence known.
Here, I've shared a family's triumph and I've shared in their grief. Mom, Pop, if you're reading this then I know that what I believe is confirmed and I want you to know, I still miss you both.
And that's the other thing...the biggest thing. This family has a tendency of taking in people but more importantly than that, this family also has a tendency to take care of those they take in. It doesn't stop at, "Okay, you're one of us."
I'd like to thank every one of you who supported this move individually but my greatest fear is that I'll forget someone and I don't want anyone's feelings hurt but all of you, you know who you are...thank you so much. Without you, I don't know how the hell I'd have done it.
I have to thank Anne Marie, someone I've only ever met on paper. A lot of support and cheerleading came from a place that I don't even want to imagine. It's probably one of the darkest places on earth and for someone to throw an energy that positive my way...I can't thank you enough. But damn right, I'll spend a lot of time trying.
To Stu, man, I still remember you and I loitering outside of a Circle K when I was a young punk kid verbally abusing all the drunks on Saturday Night, keeping the clerks up at night. Without your encouragement, I probably wouldn't have some of the rather unique perspectives on life that I do now.
Justin, I gotta tell ya, you showed me one thing that's huge...if I fail, I let no one down but myself but if I just lay down and die...then it's all on me and that really does hurt the most. I can't thank you enough for reviving that level of fear of THAT sort of failure.
To my family back in Louisiana. I'd have taken you with me if I could. I'd have happily left behind EVERY material thing I'd ever worked for if you had just come with me. I know that you bug the hell out of me at times. I know that you make me nuts when I really don't feel I need it but that's what family does, I suppose. Without it, we wouldn't even know what the hell else to do with each other.
To all my friends out there, Mikey, Lenny (Cap'n!), Ron, Linda, Biggie, Sammy, Paul, Mark, Angie, Herbert and all of the other people I had the pleasure of working with over the past eight years plus. I've never met anyone like you guys. I probably never will again. I gotta say that the times we worked together, fought together, cut our teeth together, hell those were scars I don't mind bearing. They're stories I don't mind telling. The best part is I'm glad that I got to work with characters instead of just people. I got to hang out with folks that no one could make up if they tried. Sometimes truth was stranger than fiction but most times, it was better than anything I could have read, watched or listened to. Without you guys, I wouldn't have been well-rounded by that series of experiences.
To Lycan and Zeph, thanks for just plain being there. I know at my worst periods, nothing could scare you two away. I can't put into words how much that meant to me and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to figure that out.
To Pet and Bara, had it not been for you two, I wouldn't have believed that this type of arrangement was even possible. If not for watching how you two interacted, I probably wouldn't have attempted it myself.
Finally, to anyone else who reads this blog and supported me and my decisions, who listened to me rant, rave and carry on like some weirdo at times. Forgive me, folks, it's 11:49pm and I'm about to go to bed. I'm not the most brilliant guy at times but give yourself a round of applause and do a little dance. Celebrate because you had a hand in this too.
Now, this is where I don't mention names because I don't want my Thank You List getting dwarfed.
For all those who thought that I'd just be back in a month or two, you thought I wouldn't make it, tried to scare me out of it, told me that I'd just end up failing...you get the idea. I've earned the right to say what my heroes say ...I've Got TWO WORDS FOR YA!!!!
SUCK IT!
Now that that's over, there is one question that's been on a lot of minds. I still talk to some of you via comments to your blogs, email, IM when I can get on, Blackberry and even here in my immediate vicinity and one subject keeps coming up...will I do the show again?
Well, that's still hard to say. Scheduling has a lot to do with it and everyone knows I like the instant gratification that comes with live webcasting. Now would even be a great time to do it because if I were on ShoutCast again, I could be streamed to your phones, patched in through your car stereos...yep, mobility is no longer an issue with Internet Radio. It's, in fact, commercially viable now. Which leaves podcasting, since my schedule is far too erratic for live webcasting. That, I could do.
The biggest question remains...will I ever do The Genocydal Empyre again? The answer is a resounding "No."
The Empyre has fallen. Brought down by mine own hand. It's dead and buried and that is exactly where it should stay. What I started in my 20s can't be maintained in my 30s and shouldn't be. By the time we ended it, we had an alien for a mascot. That should have been a huge clue that it wasn't going in the direction I'd originally dreamed for it. I'll be the first to admit, the soundboards were pretty funny and I'd still keep those around.
No, it would have to be something different. We could take all the stuff you love and build something new with it but it's going to be awhile. I'm not sure even IF I want to do it again just yet. Time will tell. If a new show does come up, best believe the music will still be loud and hard, the topics will be discussed and my opinions will still be as blistering and unwavering unless I change them. Until then, only time will tell.
Before I realized it, a year just blew past me but there is one person I haven't thanked yet...well, make that two.
First, thank you Misty. If it hadn't been for you, I'm not sure that I would have had a goal and I'd have spent the rest of my life doing some stupid "coulda, shoulda, woulda" bullshit. Thanks to you, I'll never think that. I already know what the outcome would have been if I had stayed in Louisiana. I'd be a pile of potential in a pool of piss. I know that, you knew that and I'm glad you took a chance on me when no one else did.
Now, the last one I have to thank...this isn't going to be popular but I want everyone reading this to ask themselves when that's ever stopped me before. I really don't do much talking about what goes on beneath the surface, spiritually speaking. I've run one end of the gamut to the other. Sometimes it's been one extreme to the next but the end result is always the same.
Thank you to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Without you, I know full well I wouldn't be alive today. I wouldn't have made it through the tough times. Maybe I don't know how to formally go about the praying thing these days but I do my best. Thank you always for thinking about me, I'm alive and doing fine.
"I used to dream about
the life I'm living now
I know that there's no doubt
I made it! I made it!"
-Kevin Rudolph "I Made It"
posted by Lord Genocyde at 10:05 PM
1 Comments:
You're very welcome. I'm glad I found you, grateful you took a chance and moved here, and so happy that after a year we're still going strong despite the hard times. I love you baby.
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