Episode 126: For What It's Worth...

I'm convinced that I'd suck as an attorney, minister, teacher or counsellor. Very seldom have I ever given advice that was taken. Though all of my advice come from a much different perspective than that of the person asking (sometimes even those not asking) it seems that very rarely is it ever taken. It's certainly sound in my mind.

I say that, not to boast or to become a braggart, but because people more often do the opposite and the outcome has always been dreadful. What's worse is the fact that there are times I should listen to my own intuition and I do not. What a conundrum that has been created from my life.

I dare not attempt reverse psychology. God only knows what the hell would issue forth should that be the day that the advice seeker becomes the advice taker.

It is in this post that I will make one honest attempt. One final reckoning with this issue and put it to rest once and for all time.

My friends, skeptics, detractors, enemies (your self-assigned role and title), and first-time readers, I offer you one last bit of counsel here. If you find it sound and true and it works (and I guarantee it will) I shall keep writing at your requests...even if all I get is one. Still, it is under the condition that you read through my post, follow my instructions step-by-step, specifically and then let the advice work. If it doesn't work, then what do you have to lose? A crazed man in your life. Some off-the-rack blogger in an off-the-rack culture who's words are as old and feeble as the idea that you can cure a disease by treating its symptoms.

Should my advice work, as I personally guarantee it will, then I ask that you share your story with someone. Share the advice. Then, for those of you who believe that you are still just one person who can affect nothing in life, you will walk away from that belief just as a man who is frustrated with his broken-down car will leave it on the side of the road. You will abandon it.

I should warn you that this piece of advice is the most powerful that I've ever taken. It cured me. It freed me. It made me whole again. I'm happier now than I ever have been, I feel better and, best of all, I no longer have a care in the world because of it. Why? Because I had nothing to lose but that which was keeping me unhappy, unhealthy and fearful.

Speaking of that, think of something that is bothering you. Get it clear in your mind. There is something in your life that is keeping you unhealthy, unhappy and fearful of losing it. Psychologists and sociologists call it codependency. Each of us suffers from it in some form or another. Each of us is so dependent on something that, while you and I may hate it, despise it and wish it were never present, we also cannot live without it. It could be a bad relationship, cigarettes, gambling, drug addiction (harder than cigarettes), food, attention, pain, whatever it is, you hate that it's in your life but you just can't believe that you can live your life without it.

That's the bad news.

The good news is, you can.

Let's begin. Sit down for this one. Light up if you really need one now, go get the coffee or tea on, grab a snack, whatever you do...get ready to sit and stay awhile. You need this every bit as badly as I did.

Okay, got that done? Good! Now, here is the most important part...whatever it is in your life, hang on to it. I mean cling to it tightly. Until you're done with this post, smoke as many cigarettes as you can stomach, belittle yourself if you feel necessary, keep that bad relationship's number at the ready...whatever. Just don't let go until you're done.

Sounds crazy, doesn't it? Good! Now, think of a time that you didn't have that pain in your life. How carefree were you? Were you just a child? Weren't you more healthy then and much happier in your life? When did you decide that this pain was going to be a part of your life until it's end? The answer: You Didn't! You don't want that kind of pain in your life, do you? If you did, you wouldn't be reading this. Now, how crazy does the previous paragraph sound? Is it any more crazy in comparison to you putting the crap into your life? You just went back to a time in your childhood when you didn't need it but you say that you cannot imagine life without this bit of trouble. Perhaps my advice isn't as crazy as it sounds isn't it?

Still, you grew into the brainwashing. It seems "cool" to have that little secret. That little something that you and only you can get away with. It's a good feeling to have the sympathy of others, even when you know that you don't want or deserve it. Is it, really? Think of how confined you are. You have to increase your stress level now. You have to keep that dirty little secret tucked away. You have to deal with the stigmas of it and the worst of it is, you constantly question even your own motives. You don't trust yourself. Why are you carrying that sort of luggage? It's because of the trap. The trap is that it seems cool. You're like your heroes growing up, even if those heroes did have questionable motives at all times, you see yourself as just like them. You think you have a confidence booster but you have just the opposite. You're worried about your confidence being destroyed. Once you get into it, you're trapped. The worst part is that millions upon millions are spent each year in an attempt to lure you in. Hollywierd, advertisements, Made-for-TV dramas, just name something related to your problem that popped up in your mind and you will know what it is I'm talking about. By the time you see your situation as "cool" or "grown up" you are back to feeling like a child at square one yet again and you never get out of that. You always wish it weren't there. You always wish, even as your doing it, that you'd never started.

It may seem like a contradiction that I said that you can live without it and then I say things like, "you're trapped" but I assure you, it isn't. Just because you've fallen into a trap doesn't mean you can't get out of it. It's only when YOU decide to give up and give in that YOU keep yourself locked within it. Yes, some outside influences existed but the truth is, it was you that knew the relationship was bad, the deal was rotten, cigarettes and drugs could kill you or that this might be the last time you get into the car to pull the stunt you've pulled a thousand times over...it's always that one thousand and first time that will end it all. Where are you now? Is it distasteful enough to drop? Of course not or you would have followed my instructions prior to me giving them out.

Keep reading the section on brainwashing to really get it if you don't understand it yet. I assure you, eventually, you'll see the correlation.

Now that you do understand, keep reading.

I knew my cigarette habit was killing me. I also knew it wasn't a habit...it was drug addiction. I had to face that fact and then realize that, should someone have the gumption to do it, they could control me inside and out and all they would need in the world was one final pack of cigarettes left on the planet. To be honest, they'd probably need only half of a cigarette and I would have done anything and everything to get it. I was hooked. I was addicted. I thought of myself writhing on the bathroom floor screaming curses and shouting to the heavens or anyone who would listen to just give me one fix. Just feed the demon inside one more time. You cannot imagine how agonizing it was. I begged, I pleaded, I'd deal with the recurring sicknesses. I just wanted one cigarette, one drag. I'd quit cold turkey and I couldn't keep my mind off of it. The day before, I'd made up my mind...it was high time to quit and now, I was regretting my decision. All it would have taken is for me to take the five dollars in my pocket, walk across the street to the store and buy one pack.

But there I was on the bathroom floor, in agony as though I were coming off of heroin and the part that makes me ashamed of it now is that I know the withdrawl pangs were not that intense. It's like that one bully that just goads you in school. He pulls your hair, calls you names, trips you in the hallway, laughs at you, shoves you and won't leave you alone and you can't wait until the weekend so that you will be free of him. Did you ever think of what it is he does on his weekends? He doesn't come after you, does he? He doesn't give a damn about you. You're not a person of interest to him. If you were, surely, he'd torment you day and night all week.

That demon called drug addiction (the one I call Pusher) is a lot like that. I hated myself when I lit that first cigarette after making it a week. I was in a pit of black depression. I hoped that this cigarette would just kill me. I'd hoped that I'd take my final drag, my blood pressure would skyrocket suddenly, make me pass out, pop an embolism in my brain and that would be it...no more shame, really. No more than the heroin junkie who dies from an overdose.

Still, I cannot tell you how many times I quit and went back. Once, I successfully (and I use that term loosely) quit on the patch. I was breathing much more easily and I wasn't going crazy but the problem was that I still wanted one every once in awhile. I didn't know how to handle it. I did whatever I could. I worked out and took an active interest in the martial arts/self-defense DVDs that I'd gotten. Guess what? It worked! It worked but only for a month. I started smoking again and this time, I wasn't depressed about it. I pretty much figured that this was it for me, I'm hooked for life. I'd fallen into the trap, cast the patch aside and said, "Okay...cigarettes it is, then." Most of my friends were smokers, my dad was a smoker, my siblings, one and all were smokers...nothing was changing.

I even still have my t-shirt that says "I Smoke, So Fuck Off."

How much of an illustration did I need to tell me that I was a drug addict? A friend had actually procured the shirt for me by sweet-talking a girl that he knew at the shop that carried it. I'm still unsure how I should feel about it. I don't worry about it. Free clothing...it's still not bad.

After my vacation, I'd decided that enough was enough. There were far too few places I couldn't smoke but that wasn't my deciding factor. There were multiple sicknesses per year but that wasn't it either. My martial arts training was suffering but that damned sure wasn't it. I will admit, though, that it was a heavy influence. After a couple of friends recommended the book that I'd mentioned previously, I decided that if it didn't work then there was nothing for me to lose. I damned sure wasn't going on wellbutrin on chantix. That shit had to have an accompanying antidepressant which required a diagnosis that would have me adjudicated mentally defective. Guess what that means for my guns? If you had guessed that they'd be gone, you'd be right. I'd rather fight lung cancer and have the means to prolong my agony and or go target shooting than not. I'd rather kill an intruder in my home and suffer the heart attack or stroke afterward than be classified a depression case. Forget it, not happening. Patches cost $40 per two-week period and that would go on for eight bloody weeks! The pills themselves would cost $150 roughly for a month's supply and I'm not factoring in the antidepressants. The audiobook on Amazon would only cost me $20. Guess what? At the time, cigarettes would have cost me $33 per carton (more in other areas) and since the book was cheaper, I chose the book. I smoked as I listened to it and I kept going with it. I re-read some chapters, making sure I got the main idea of it. Then, on Monday two weeks ago, I quit. Unfortunately, I'd fallen off the wagon on Tuesday but jumped back on for Wednesday...the worst possible time to quit. I walked into work a non-smoker for day one and I made it. Day two, same thing, the weekend. The best part was that I didn't have one single moment of slapping on a patch, I didn't replace it with anything and I wasn't on the floor of my bathroom screaming to the skies to end me or feed the demon.

But what happened? I took my own advice. I also made a bit of a supplication.

I must say that, before I continue with this part of the story (The Sunday Before I Made The First Attempt) you must understand that I'm not here to force any spirituality on you. That is something personal that YOU must come to terms with or not first and foremost. I have no say in it. I only offer it as a part of the story. I know the value that I place upon it and you don't have to. If you're here to start a holy war in favor of atheism, I will say, go find your war elsewhere. If you're going to call me stupid or crazy, I offer this question; how is it crazy that I performed an action and I am no longer degrading my health, cluttering up my arteries and lungs, engaging in that filthy act of smoking and am now feeling better and far less stressed than ever before? Would it not have been MORE SO crazy or stupid to keep killing myself slowly even though I knew that is exactly what I was doing to myself? It seems stupid and crazy to continue self-destruction in my opinion but you're entitled to yours. Call it anecdotal, call it crazy, call it stupid but if you have nothing constructive to place in here, simply go find something else to do.

The Sunday Night Battle Preparation:

I know how this will sound but every word is absolutely true. During a service in the chapel at work, a guest was giving his sermon. His sermon was something along the lines of laying your burdens down/giving them to Jesus...that kind of thing. He'd instructed the congregation there to write their concerns down on paper and lay them down at the altar. The same things he said that I know I'd been waiting for someone, anyone aside from the author of that book to tell me were forthcoming. Perhaps a prayer was being answered and, even if it wasn't, what did I have to lose? I took a loose slip of paper and wrote my own concerns down and, when I thought no one was looking, I cast them down at the foot of the altar while making my rounds and then I heard the whole of the chapel, guests and all, erupt into cheering as the guest minister said, "Man of God, thank you, brother!"

I had been spotted. Perhaps God doesn't allow some works to go unnoticed. My own little prayer was on that paper and I'm not here to write about it at length. That will be for another blog, another time but the effects of it were sound.

Carr mentioned in his book that the withdrawl pangs were a little monster with a need to feed. Tammi once asked me if I'd ever "slain that dragon." Monsters, dragons...what were they really?

Demons...only that, and nothing more. They, like their Master, walk about as roaring lions. They have no power over me and I realized that.

Unfortunately, I was falling asleep at the wheel on Tuesday morning coming home. Another pack of smokes, I could deal with later, a truck accident, I could not.

Winston Churchill once said, "If you're going through Hell, keep going." That doesn't mean self-infliction. It does mean to push toward your own betterment.

Now, take all of this into consideration. Why are you hanging on to that bad relationship, that addiction, that crutch. Are you that afraid that your life will be less comfy without it?

THAT's the utter lunacy. You're giving your true power and authority away to an object or person that won't be there when you need it the most. THAT's crazy!

So now, whenever you're ready to lay it down, try this.

1. If you have the space to do it, write it down...that thing you hate the most. Now, you can leave it upon your altar at church. You can give it over to God. You can flush it down the toilet. You can cast it into a fire but make sure that the thing you write down is the thing you resolve to rid your life of within the next day or two.

2. The Day of Reckoning: Walk Away from it. Put it down. There's nothing to give up, just stop abusing yourself. Just crush it under your heel and walk away. You're never going back to that. You're never going to lock yourself within that trap ever again. Would you voluntarily check yourself into prison for 10 - 20 years? No? I did! I fence fucking paroled, I'm never going back and I'll kill anyone who attempts to make me! I'm free and guess what? Once you're out, you've already succeeded. Celebrate! Be happy!

3. The Final Instruction: BE HAPPY YOU DID IT! Your success is insured! You're not going to fail and even if you do, you're no worse off than you are right now. Better that you fail with honor than succeed with fraud. There is absolutely no dishonor in failing. True failure only happens when YOU stop. Failure can only happen by YOU limiting YOURSELF and YOUR OWN INACTION!

Now, if you really put yourself into all of this and it fails. I'll stop writing. I'm serious. I'll never write another line for the world to read ever again. When this thing succeeds, I want all of you to know that I am not crazy and, even if you think I am, that's fine. Go ahead, could give a shit. I also have a right to not be offended.

For what it's worth, if you never try, then it is only YOU who have failed, not my advice.

Thank you, everyone and goodnight.