Episode 38: Four Days In Hell

I actually got my hands on the PSP game Dante's Inferno recently and let me tell ya something. If you're a God of War fan, you'll love this game.

Each level literally takes you down the path of Dante Alighieri's work known as The Divine Comedy but only the first part. See Alighieri's work focused on three parts; The Inferno, Purgatory and Paradise.

For the name's sake, we'll just go with the Inferno.

I couldn't help but think that it's a sad day for the afterworld when you take Death's Scythe and own his stupid ass with it. I mean, can you imagine what it would be like for Sonic: The Hedgehog to have died only to face Death, kill him off and then run through whatever afterlife a hedgehog goes through? It would be a videogame that never ends. It would be awesome.

That's sorta like dying in a puddle of your own blood and, just as you're about to go, you wrap your hand around Death's throat and start laughing maniacally while violently shaking back and forth rapidly.

I don't know about you but I got a chubby outta that. Way I had it figured, there are only two certainties in life...death and taxes. Well, when you kill Death with his own weapon, that pretty much gives you every right to tell the tax man to get fucked doesn't it?

Did I say chubby? Nah, Meet Woodrow! Boioioioioioioioinnnnng!

Next, you go on your descent into the various circles of Hell. There's Limbo, where the unbaptized dwell and your guide, Virgil the poet will inform you of the one thing you're going to have a huge problem with...babies.

Yep, babies with bladed arms and shit. This game just went from awesome to fucking bizarre. Now, here's the thing you should know outright. You don't just go through Hell ripping and shredding. You have levels of abilities to buy and there's only one way to do it...souls of the departed. Yeah, so you can either choose to punish or absolve those you meet in Hell thus controlling the morality of the game and how many souls you receive to spend on those abilities. In Hell, you get more flies with honey than with vinegar.

So then, it's deeper into Hell with the level known as Lust. This is an interesting one because it's where you start meeting shades...famous people sent to Hell for what they've done and again...absolve or condemn...choice is yours.

Throughout the game you climb craggy cliffs, have to figure out puzzles, find keys and pathways, fight people you knew when you were "alive" and save your girl, Beatrice, from Lucifer. Yeah, she kinda ended up with him while you were out in the crusades...look, play the damn game if you want the backstory.

Through the levels you'll battle Minotaurs, more babies, heretic priests and winged pests as well as Death Jr. s ....lots of them all in a heated journey ever deeper into the pit of this shithole until you finally reach past all the lakes of boiling blood, serpents that want to eat you, waterfalls of lava and walls of damned reaching out for you as you use them to climb around (I'm not kidding) and then...the final circle. Treachery, they calls it.

Unlike what most would think, this level is covered in ice. This means you're going to be doing a lot of sliding around. Lots of ground will break out from under you and you'll have to really be careful.

Look, I don't want to be careful and don't you find it ironic that you have killed the Angel of Death with his own scythe but now you can perish in a lake of boiling blood? Something wrong with that picture? Yeah, I thought so.

So anyway, you finally reach Lucifer, and let me tell you...what a little fucking pussy he turned out to be! I'd have rather taken on some lowlife jobber villain like Dr. Robotnik! After kicking his ass with my spiritual Pimp Hand the first time, all he could do was whine about how God gave him a screwjob to rival the one Bret Hart had been given in Montreal over 13 years ago. Then I had to kick his ass again only to find he'd been cast back into ice and trapped there.

Don't get me wrong, I had a lotta fun with this game, it was one of my faves but look, Lucifer talked much shit about taking my girl. If that were real, I'd have whooped his shady ass in a way that would make God take pity on him. I'd have issued an ass-kicking that would make Chuck Norris go, "Dude...was that really necessary?" For me, this game was less about actually winning and seeing some cutscenes...this was about slaying personal demons and leaving them where they needed to be.

The ending of the game hinted at a sequel...can't wait for that one. Probably a romp through Purgatory but I doubt it will be as awesome. Only time will tell.

Now, to the makers, I have but one request. No more of the timed swinging stages. I was born and bred to rip and shred...or absolve them but I'm not a fucking monkey, okay. No banana at the end for me? Okay then lose the Tarzan schtick. Climbing? Fine. Puzzle environments? Cool but no more of the ground falling away while I have to time that jump so I can swing through the fuckin' air, okay? Normally, if I'm playing a game it's to turn my brain off for a few so it doesn't pop and start pissing others off. It's downtime and I don't want to be stressed that I'm gonna have to start all over if I don't time that jump combo like Octo-Mom plans her parenthood.

Considering that it only took me four days of intensive playing to leave Hell wishing it hadn't heard my name, I traded it in at my local GameStop for a buncha movies and Metal Gear Solid Portable Ops.