Episode 17: The Young And The Wireless

I'm currently tweeting, doing Facebook and MySpace all from my phone. Now before anyone gets any ideas in their head, it's not because I'm so stuck on it that I need my phone to do it all for me. It's just a matter of convenience for me. Look, I could take pics with my phone and then strip them off using iTunes and then upload them, post a link and all that shit but the truth is, when you get down to the end of the day, this is what the gadget is made for...making your life easier. It Niiiiice.

So, recently, I went through my phone and deleted a bunch of apps. Most of the apps I deleted seemed like pretty good apps at the time. Looking back on them, I've had them for over a year and I've hardly ever activated them. Now, I don't know if anyone's ever done this but I actually downloaded an app called 1,001 Free Ringtones.


No it's not. It was too late for me to realize that it was actually only 250. I got the lite version. I get the rest when I fork over the money.

Gather 'round, everybody, let us reason together. I am what you call an audiophile. If I like some type of sound, I will listen to it almost ad nauseum to others because I can't fuck it.

I think that might have been a little too much information for the rest of you but fuck it, I don't care.

Let's get back on topic. I make all my own ringtones. I literally take a song I like, run it through a sound program, cut out what I want, reformat it a couple of times through iTunes and pop it onto my phone.

...take THAT Steve Jobs. Only people you're foolin' are those that don't know better.

I know, I know. I can hear what you're thinking, "But Damien, you're ripping off and exploiting artists."

No I'm not. Every tone I've got is from some really good band that corporate labels don't give a shit about. Those people work hard and they have music that I like. I'd fuck every song on the playlist if I could. Audiophile, people...audiophile.

I started running through some of the tones on this app and then, I found myself thinking "Shit, I could make better sounding tones than this!"

So why didn't I delete this app? Because now I have ideas! Sure, I've got some really cool tones that not many others have. I did stick both CTU tones from the TV series 24 on my phone. That was fun in Louisiana when I was in line at Dairy Queen.

Understand that there was nothing sinister going on except the local yayhoos deciding that they's listen in when someone would contact you at the wrong time. Let me give you an idea of what would go on during one of those scenarios.

*standing in line when CTU ringtone sounds*

*Pick up*

Cyber Terrorism Unit...what? Aw Fuck, you're kidding. No....no....li....listen....listen to me, goddammit! I told you not to install that. Now, you've got the whole infrastructure exposed over your damn love of video games.

I don't give a shit if it is an evolved version of Asteroids, I told you to hook that shit up to the breakroom TV. Yeah, well, guess what? No, I DO have my computer on me but I'm getting something to eat. Haven't eaten all day because of that one clusterfuck you caused. Yeah, well, you better hope none of our enemies notice in the next ten minutes or you're going to be publicly blamed for this one.

*hang up*

Naturally, this would cause a small group to come by my laptop to see my Matrix screen saver going when I'd come back from my bathroom. I loved watching the villagers in Darwin's Waiting Room, Louisiana squirm.

This is what I love about New Jersey. I really have to step up my game. I can't recycle all my old humor here.

I think I've just ventured farther off topic than ever and it's a wonder you didn't pull the plug on that fuckin' bit.

I've been up too early for this shit.

Technology has become a modern miracle. Remember back when a mobile phone was the size of a brick? You could literally build a city out of how many of these things were produced. Then, there were the phones that had the little flip out panels and kept you from accidentally pressing a key at a bad time. Next were the phones that were about the size of a modern cordless phone and then phones that could support video games and so on so forth until now, you can literally play games, read full-length books, call someone, use the internet and send pictures back home almost immediately.

Technology also illustrates that you can't fix stupid. It also has this uncanny ability to bring out the stupid in everyone. Some more than others. At times, I'd swear that technology only makes more people dumber and dumber by the minute.

Sure, many times over, gizmos will be available to make life much more easy.

I'm afraid, try as we might, it won't fix stupid.