Episode 39: A Hotel Room And Compromising Positions
I was sitting in a Taco Bell today, munching on a chalupa and trying to keep it down. I honestly believe that Taco Bell Corporation specifically uses the music they play as a weapon against their customers. Either you love it intensely or you hate it with a nuclear capability.
I'll go on record by saying, in case you hadn't noticed, I am of the latter persuasion.
Sitting there, I actually heard a song entirely constructed of the same line over and over again about, of all things...shining shoes.
Okay, over my near-decade in my former job, I learned how to shine shoes and do it pretty well but never in my life did I sit there thinking that it was ever song inspiration. To me, there were so many other social issues and things that were of personal importance about which for me to put pen to paper.
I know the feeble argument is coming that, had I indeed put pen to paper and composed that mindless piece of shit, I would probably be raking in those residuals and enjoying an early retirement but let's get a few fucking things straight.
1. Using auto-tune because you can't sing is a lot like running one of those telemarketing scams because you can't seem to get used to the fact that legitimately working is one way to stay out of jail. I understand that I can't dance but even if they make a fucking machine that will turn me into Michael Jackson, I still spare others the humiliation of having to watch me dance. Putting on floaties doesn't make you a good swimmer. Get it yet?
2. "Singing" the same thing over and over again is not a song. How about composing some lyrics? Challenge yourself!
3. The fact that someone wrote that 8-bit hunka shit and made money on it shows you that fools and their money are easily parted.
Look, if you think that I have no right to be so critical then fuck you, I do. Why? Because I'm part of a very unwilling audience. It's really simple to figure out. If you're eating lunch and a clown is dancing at your table and irritating you, then you're going to do something. Whether you'll just grind your teeth and bear it or you'll blast out his kneecap with the heel of your boot and then give him a nuclear kickblast to that stupid bullshit red thing they stick on their nose, you're going to do something.
Once I was out of Taco Bell with my food safely in my stomach and the urge to projectile vomit it directly into the street from the back of the parking lot abated, I actually thought about this at length. If I were head of any major music corporation, I'd call all talent scouts and their supervisors into a smoke-filled room with footage of the Zapruder Film playing for their viewing pleasure.
Once the back of Kennedy's head blows out and his head rocks violently BACKWARD. I'll pause the footage.
"Mr. Kennedy represents your jobs, gentlemen," I'll say as the lights come back on, "but unlike the assassination of our president oh, so many years ago, I WILL be the lone gunman. Anyone want to explain what the blue-ringed FUCK you're dumping into the music industry?"
After that, each one of these tag teams will have one hour in which to present a solid reason why I should keep them on the payroll and it had better outweigh the crap that made me want to hurl like a heroin addict going through withdrawls.
Enter: Justin Bieber
I just heard about this kid in the past couple of days. I had no clue as to who he was or why. I decided to sample a couple of his most popular songs. Seems talent scouts are getting lazy. By that, I mean they're now scouring YouTube and missing some people. By the way, when I say the word "kid," I mean it. After sampling a couple of his songs, I have to admit the kid's okay but he's the same thing I've heard from his adult contemporaries. He's got the girls coming after him and, to that, I say "Bravo...well done kid."
I won't crack on him because, quite frankly, he's got something his adult contemporaries don't...his young age. He's a novelty and soon, that novelty will wear off.
In Justin Bieber's case, here are the possible outcomes:
1. He has good people taking good care of the money he's making and he enjoys an early retirement.
2. He goes Corey Haim and really makes a douche of himself. After that it's a steady stream of arrests in seedy hotel rooms and compromising positions, tons of tabloid exposure and the "royal" treatment by the paparazzi eventually resulting in his death by overdose.
Let's hope it's the former and not the latter.
Look, Justin, it's really simple and it's really jacked up but you need to hear this...it won't last. Those corporate execs are done with you unless you can keep yourself unbelievably young and keep your music current. If you need to know what that kind of pressure is like, go check out Michael Jackson's history from cradle to alleged grave. He, like you, was a young music pop prodigy who was able to reach past his youth with it and carry it on as an adult but not without a side-effect that went into the realm of horror known as "pants-shitting." Play your cards right and you'll never have to work again but just one false move in that industry will cost you.
I can accept the fact that things didn't work out for me in the attempt to get a band together and get off the ground but I'm not bitter because at least I did give it the old college try. What I'm burning about right now is the fact that what I hear on pop radio these days consist of no-talent ass-clowns vying for viability in a market that's less effective than our government's "No Fly" list.
Is it any wonder why I'm more geared toward internet radio or shortwave? At least, for me, there's an alternative but let's talk about that for a second.
I'll concede that I didn't have to stay in that Taco Bell trying to choke down a taco or two but let's face it, with this kind of bombardment, is it any wonder why there's no more Popular Culture, Popular Music or Popular Entertainment? Now, the music, culture and entertainment has been completely taken out and it's just become Pop, a seething mass of amorphous hideousness that's being presented as the monopolies keep going within our music industry. While you're told what you are and are not to like by someone in a suit who wouldn't listen to it himself, you miss out on what could be helping you learn something and perhaps give you another opinion on a matter. Sure, it may be biased but what are you listening to now that isn't? You're the unbiased party, just give it a shot. You have nothing to lose, do you?
Me? I nearly lost my lunch.
I'll go on record by saying, in case you hadn't noticed, I am of the latter persuasion.
Sitting there, I actually heard a song entirely constructed of the same line over and over again about, of all things...shining shoes.
Okay, over my near-decade in my former job, I learned how to shine shoes and do it pretty well but never in my life did I sit there thinking that it was ever song inspiration. To me, there were so many other social issues and things that were of personal importance about which for me to put pen to paper.
I know the feeble argument is coming that, had I indeed put pen to paper and composed that mindless piece of shit, I would probably be raking in those residuals and enjoying an early retirement but let's get a few fucking things straight.
1. Using auto-tune because you can't sing is a lot like running one of those telemarketing scams because you can't seem to get used to the fact that legitimately working is one way to stay out of jail. I understand that I can't dance but even if they make a fucking machine that will turn me into Michael Jackson, I still spare others the humiliation of having to watch me dance. Putting on floaties doesn't make you a good swimmer. Get it yet?
2. "Singing" the same thing over and over again is not a song. How about composing some lyrics? Challenge yourself!
3. The fact that someone wrote that 8-bit hunka shit and made money on it shows you that fools and their money are easily parted.
Look, if you think that I have no right to be so critical then fuck you, I do. Why? Because I'm part of a very unwilling audience. It's really simple to figure out. If you're eating lunch and a clown is dancing at your table and irritating you, then you're going to do something. Whether you'll just grind your teeth and bear it or you'll blast out his kneecap with the heel of your boot and then give him a nuclear kickblast to that stupid bullshit red thing they stick on their nose, you're going to do something.
Once I was out of Taco Bell with my food safely in my stomach and the urge to projectile vomit it directly into the street from the back of the parking lot abated, I actually thought about this at length. If I were head of any major music corporation, I'd call all talent scouts and their supervisors into a smoke-filled room with footage of the Zapruder Film playing for their viewing pleasure.
Once the back of Kennedy's head blows out and his head rocks violently BACKWARD. I'll pause the footage.
"Mr. Kennedy represents your jobs, gentlemen," I'll say as the lights come back on, "but unlike the assassination of our president oh, so many years ago, I WILL be the lone gunman. Anyone want to explain what the blue-ringed FUCK you're dumping into the music industry?"
After that, each one of these tag teams will have one hour in which to present a solid reason why I should keep them on the payroll and it had better outweigh the crap that made me want to hurl like a heroin addict going through withdrawls.
Enter: Justin Bieber
I just heard about this kid in the past couple of days. I had no clue as to who he was or why. I decided to sample a couple of his most popular songs. Seems talent scouts are getting lazy. By that, I mean they're now scouring YouTube and missing some people. By the way, when I say the word "kid," I mean it. After sampling a couple of his songs, I have to admit the kid's okay but he's the same thing I've heard from his adult contemporaries. He's got the girls coming after him and, to that, I say "Bravo...well done kid."
I won't crack on him because, quite frankly, he's got something his adult contemporaries don't...his young age. He's a novelty and soon, that novelty will wear off.
In Justin Bieber's case, here are the possible outcomes:
1. He has good people taking good care of the money he's making and he enjoys an early retirement.
2. He goes Corey Haim and really makes a douche of himself. After that it's a steady stream of arrests in seedy hotel rooms and compromising positions, tons of tabloid exposure and the "royal" treatment by the paparazzi eventually resulting in his death by overdose.
Let's hope it's the former and not the latter.
Look, Justin, it's really simple and it's really jacked up but you need to hear this...it won't last. Those corporate execs are done with you unless you can keep yourself unbelievably young and keep your music current. If you need to know what that kind of pressure is like, go check out Michael Jackson's history from cradle to alleged grave. He, like you, was a young music pop prodigy who was able to reach past his youth with it and carry it on as an adult but not without a side-effect that went into the realm of horror known as "pants-shitting." Play your cards right and you'll never have to work again but just one false move in that industry will cost you.
I can accept the fact that things didn't work out for me in the attempt to get a band together and get off the ground but I'm not bitter because at least I did give it the old college try. What I'm burning about right now is the fact that what I hear on pop radio these days consist of no-talent ass-clowns vying for viability in a market that's less effective than our government's "No Fly" list.
Is it any wonder why I'm more geared toward internet radio or shortwave? At least, for me, there's an alternative but let's talk about that for a second.
I'll concede that I didn't have to stay in that Taco Bell trying to choke down a taco or two but let's face it, with this kind of bombardment, is it any wonder why there's no more Popular Culture, Popular Music or Popular Entertainment? Now, the music, culture and entertainment has been completely taken out and it's just become Pop, a seething mass of amorphous hideousness that's being presented as the monopolies keep going within our music industry. While you're told what you are and are not to like by someone in a suit who wouldn't listen to it himself, you miss out on what could be helping you learn something and perhaps give you another opinion on a matter. Sure, it may be biased but what are you listening to now that isn't? You're the unbiased party, just give it a shot. You have nothing to lose, do you?
Me? I nearly lost my lunch.
posted by Lord Genocyde at 4:44 PM
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