Episode 23: Technophobia, Idiocracy And The Thin Red Line...
You know, after a completely shitty month in finances, you figure that putting your best foot forward and just kissing ass, hauling, hauling and hauling some more would get you a break or two. You might think that and you'd be wrong. At this point, I'm about ready to head into my old line of work. Seems no matter where you turn, there's an ass to kiss. Honestly, I think I've earned the right to say the words "Fuck You" to any and all who feel it necessary to take their shitty day out on me. Goddamn right.
First, I totally get that you're all frustrated. I'm there with you. I wish the technology companies would do ME the same favor that you're begging for...SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! I mean, seriously, do we really need a phone with a built-in obsolescence of six months? Hey, let me get settled into a device before you spring the next generation on us. Hey, I know, I know, all of us are wondering "What will they come up with next?" but that doesn't mean you have to jump all over it. Let me wallow in the bright lights and esoteric controls before springing something even more occult on us. Now, to the rest of you, as you can see, I'm just as tired of it as you are but look...they don't make shit like they used to. So do one of two things; tell them to slow it the hell down a bit or just accept that you're going to have to learn a new device. If you choose to do neither, fuck you, I'm not listening.
Second, I know you have things to do and time is short but, when it comes to computers and automated systems, you can count on two things: glitches will happen and that automated menu will be slow. Make peace with the fact that anything having to do with cellphones will take some time. If that's not something that appeals to you, forget it. Come back when you have time but do not back out when we're halfway through the system. Hang in there awhile and you might get some cool fucking shit coming your way as my own means of apologizing for the de-evolved fucktards on the other end that totally fucked you and me over. I'm in your corner and it works a lot like a tag-team match. The difference here is, when I fight, you get the win. You walk out with the title. When you walk out on me, we both lose out and then you find that you're outnumbered. For those of you who decide that I've wasted your time, fuck you. YOU do it next time.
Third, if you're coming to me, I'm assuming that you're looking for a solution. I'm here to present that. If your car window was busted open and all your electronic gear was stolen, the solution is simple...keep it with you. If you can't stand the fact that you might have to do that, leave it at home. If that's not something you can swing, I understand and I'll help you find a way around all that but if it seems like it's just too expensive, I have to know...how much did your broken window cost you? How much in gear did you lose? In comparison, it seems like a pretty small price to me. If you just can't wrap your thick fucking skull around the facts, fuck you, head elsewhere and make peace with the fact that a break-in will happen again and it will be your fault. I will not listen to your sob story a second fucking time.
Fourth, I pride myself on being honest and up front with you. If I don't know something, I'll tell you and I'm more than happy to find your answers for you. Whether or not you like them is up to you but all answers are final. If you decide that the answers I'm giving you are unsatisfactory, I understand. If you decide that the answers that I pass along to you are wrong when I know differently, fuck you. Remember that YOU came to ME...not the other way around. I am in power and I'm more than willing to share that power but turn on me, you forfeit your half.
Fifth, I don't know why prices are the way they are. Constantly repetition of the words, "This is ridiculous!" will not magically make them drop. I agree with you that some of these prices are fucking insane but, look, if you can get them cheaper elsewhere, go there. Should you choose to rant at me about it, guess what? Fuck...you. I can do fuck all about it. What you're looking for is right in front of you and if the price isn't right, just politely excuse yourself and go where they are. Life sucks, get a helmet.
Sixth, I'd like each one of you to reach into your wallets now if you can. Got some cash in there? Pull it all out and count it. Read on when you're done. Don't have cash? Look at your last bank statement. Before I continue on with this point, I'm going to go ahead and make you literally check something. Okay, now total all that money up. What you theoretically have in your bank account and what you have in your pocket...that's a reflection of your energy. If you're treating it like a scarcity model, it's going to be and look at that...look at how scarce it is. Now...how's your energy? Depleted? Got nothing left in the tank when you get home? Yeah, now welcome to my fucking world. See, when you come to me, I'm literally going to throw energy into this meeting. I present you with what you need based on what you tell me. If you refuse to work with me, I can't do much to alleviate the situation that you already have. If I look at my paycheck and it's small but my bills are high, this means that my energy is going into two separate places and I don't have enough of it to go around. Don't believe me? Next time you go into a Wal-Mart (and I can damn sure show you one) where the "associates" don't do shit, think of it this way...they have no fucking reason to do a damn thing other than jockey a register. That's part of their business. My business is different. My business is to make sure you make one stop to get what you need and rest easy knowing that you don't have to make several trips because some moron who doesn't know shit just pointed you in a general direction. When my paycheck comes back small and I've got nothing left to give, that means, to me that you thought my performance wasn't worth a dime. If that's the case then fuck you ya cheap punk-ass.
Seventh, I'm going to reiterate the previous point and expand on it a bit. I'm here to make some money. I'm not going to lie to you. I pride myself on being completely honest. "I'm sorry" won't pay my bills and, if you can't understand that, that's cool but try working for shit and having your livelihood at the mercy (or lack thereof) of the offspring of every Yuppie larvae on the face of the planet. If you're one of these people who are sick of the economy being what it is, I understand and totally agree but saving it isn't up to any politician and you see where that's gone. It's up to you. If the prices are a concern, I get that but when you're turning down ways of actually dropping some of those prices, then that's none of my fucking concern. I'm here to pay bills, put food on the table and see to my well-being. The next time you're bitching about some bum wanting your spare change, think for a minute. That guy's out to get your money so he can drink another day. Me? I'm out to get groceries. If you can't wrap your knuckle-dragging reverse Darwin-esque mind around that...fuck you, I've got no time for you. My time is worth money and I expect to be paid for my time. If that weren't the case, I wouldn't be there.
Eighth and Final Point. I'm not your therapist. I'm not a kid...I'm not YOUR kid. You're not royalty and I'm not some peasant. Your Lexus doesn't impress me. Your douchebag behavior of staring down your nose at me only serves to do one thing...give me something to aim at when I decide I've had enough. Your money doesn't make you better than me and if you want to engage in a pissing contest, I'm more than willing to oblige because you are born and bred to do only one thing...lose and lose horribly.
If you're there needing help, I'm more than willing to provide it but you have to meet me halfway here. If you're willing to work with me, I'm willing to work with you, that's the deal.
To illustrate, I have the following to offer:
Returns suck for the both of us. They suck for you because you didn't get what you needed. They suck for me because I lose out either way it goes. I'm going to ask for information and you'll have to give it. It's not something I particularly enjoy doing. I don't really care what your phone number is or where you live unless you and I are going to hang out later and, if that's the case, fuck it, just meet me at the bar and I'll spring for the hummus and beer...if I have the cash for it, that is. When you initially meet me, I'm going to ask tons of questions, I'm going to have a conversation with you. If you think you can handle it all by yourself, that's cool but, either way it goes, I'm going to get information out of you. Whether I get it now and have you walk out with your day made or whether I get it later and increase your frustration is totally up to you. Best word of advice I can give you is just humor me upon our first contact. When I get home, I don't write it all down. I don't have a database in which I'm going to tap your phone line and document your downfall and I don't work for the fucking C.I.A. I'm just required to take it all down in the computer at work. There's no conspiracy or sinister plot here...it's just policy and it's required of me. If that makes you uncomfy, I can completely relate. If you're just bound and determined to stay in your shell, find someplace where you can.
Speaking of which, I have to wonder why you are so scared to give out your email address but will automatically give me your credit card when I ask for it. Isn't there more damage I can do with your card?
Watch for future blogs where I begin to report people paying only in cash.
I understand that it's a big, scary world out there, people but if technology scares you so much, then why not actually help me to help you? I think that if you're that intellectually devoid, don't be surprised when I'm acting intellectually superior to you on my own time?
Right now, I feel like a microprocessor and I'm in the red and all I'm saying is that it's dangerous to fuck with a processor when it's in the red okay? I could blow.
First, I totally get that you're all frustrated. I'm there with you. I wish the technology companies would do ME the same favor that you're begging for...SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! I mean, seriously, do we really need a phone with a built-in obsolescence of six months? Hey, let me get settled into a device before you spring the next generation on us. Hey, I know, I know, all of us are wondering "What will they come up with next?" but that doesn't mean you have to jump all over it. Let me wallow in the bright lights and esoteric controls before springing something even more occult on us. Now, to the rest of you, as you can see, I'm just as tired of it as you are but look...they don't make shit like they used to. So do one of two things; tell them to slow it the hell down a bit or just accept that you're going to have to learn a new device. If you choose to do neither, fuck you, I'm not listening.
Second, I know you have things to do and time is short but, when it comes to computers and automated systems, you can count on two things: glitches will happen and that automated menu will be slow. Make peace with the fact that anything having to do with cellphones will take some time. If that's not something that appeals to you, forget it. Come back when you have time but do not back out when we're halfway through the system. Hang in there awhile and you might get some cool fucking shit coming your way as my own means of apologizing for the de-evolved fucktards on the other end that totally fucked you and me over. I'm in your corner and it works a lot like a tag-team match. The difference here is, when I fight, you get the win. You walk out with the title. When you walk out on me, we both lose out and then you find that you're outnumbered. For those of you who decide that I've wasted your time, fuck you. YOU do it next time.
Third, if you're coming to me, I'm assuming that you're looking for a solution. I'm here to present that. If your car window was busted open and all your electronic gear was stolen, the solution is simple...keep it with you. If you can't stand the fact that you might have to do that, leave it at home. If that's not something you can swing, I understand and I'll help you find a way around all that but if it seems like it's just too expensive, I have to know...how much did your broken window cost you? How much in gear did you lose? In comparison, it seems like a pretty small price to me. If you just can't wrap your thick fucking skull around the facts, fuck you, head elsewhere and make peace with the fact that a break-in will happen again and it will be your fault. I will not listen to your sob story a second fucking time.
Fourth, I pride myself on being honest and up front with you. If I don't know something, I'll tell you and I'm more than happy to find your answers for you. Whether or not you like them is up to you but all answers are final. If you decide that the answers I'm giving you are unsatisfactory, I understand. If you decide that the answers that I pass along to you are wrong when I know differently, fuck you. Remember that YOU came to ME...not the other way around. I am in power and I'm more than willing to share that power but turn on me, you forfeit your half.
Fifth, I don't know why prices are the way they are. Constantly repetition of the words, "This is ridiculous!" will not magically make them drop. I agree with you that some of these prices are fucking insane but, look, if you can get them cheaper elsewhere, go there. Should you choose to rant at me about it, guess what? Fuck...you. I can do fuck all about it. What you're looking for is right in front of you and if the price isn't right, just politely excuse yourself and go where they are. Life sucks, get a helmet.
Sixth, I'd like each one of you to reach into your wallets now if you can. Got some cash in there? Pull it all out and count it. Read on when you're done. Don't have cash? Look at your last bank statement. Before I continue on with this point, I'm going to go ahead and make you literally check something. Okay, now total all that money up. What you theoretically have in your bank account and what you have in your pocket...that's a reflection of your energy. If you're treating it like a scarcity model, it's going to be and look at that...look at how scarce it is. Now...how's your energy? Depleted? Got nothing left in the tank when you get home? Yeah, now welcome to my fucking world. See, when you come to me, I'm literally going to throw energy into this meeting. I present you with what you need based on what you tell me. If you refuse to work with me, I can't do much to alleviate the situation that you already have. If I look at my paycheck and it's small but my bills are high, this means that my energy is going into two separate places and I don't have enough of it to go around. Don't believe me? Next time you go into a Wal-Mart (and I can damn sure show you one) where the "associates" don't do shit, think of it this way...they have no fucking reason to do a damn thing other than jockey a register. That's part of their business. My business is different. My business is to make sure you make one stop to get what you need and rest easy knowing that you don't have to make several trips because some moron who doesn't know shit just pointed you in a general direction. When my paycheck comes back small and I've got nothing left to give, that means, to me that you thought my performance wasn't worth a dime. If that's the case then fuck you ya cheap punk-ass.
Seventh, I'm going to reiterate the previous point and expand on it a bit. I'm here to make some money. I'm not going to lie to you. I pride myself on being completely honest. "I'm sorry" won't pay my bills and, if you can't understand that, that's cool but try working for shit and having your livelihood at the mercy (or lack thereof) of the offspring of every Yuppie larvae on the face of the planet. If you're one of these people who are sick of the economy being what it is, I understand and totally agree but saving it isn't up to any politician and you see where that's gone. It's up to you. If the prices are a concern, I get that but when you're turning down ways of actually dropping some of those prices, then that's none of my fucking concern. I'm here to pay bills, put food on the table and see to my well-being. The next time you're bitching about some bum wanting your spare change, think for a minute. That guy's out to get your money so he can drink another day. Me? I'm out to get groceries. If you can't wrap your knuckle-dragging reverse Darwin-esque mind around that...fuck you, I've got no time for you. My time is worth money and I expect to be paid for my time. If that weren't the case, I wouldn't be there.
Eighth and Final Point. I'm not your therapist. I'm not a kid...I'm not YOUR kid. You're not royalty and I'm not some peasant. Your Lexus doesn't impress me. Your douchebag behavior of staring down your nose at me only serves to do one thing...give me something to aim at when I decide I've had enough. Your money doesn't make you better than me and if you want to engage in a pissing contest, I'm more than willing to oblige because you are born and bred to do only one thing...lose and lose horribly.
If you're there needing help, I'm more than willing to provide it but you have to meet me halfway here. If you're willing to work with me, I'm willing to work with you, that's the deal.
To illustrate, I have the following to offer:
Returns suck for the both of us. They suck for you because you didn't get what you needed. They suck for me because I lose out either way it goes. I'm going to ask for information and you'll have to give it. It's not something I particularly enjoy doing. I don't really care what your phone number is or where you live unless you and I are going to hang out later and, if that's the case, fuck it, just meet me at the bar and I'll spring for the hummus and beer...if I have the cash for it, that is. When you initially meet me, I'm going to ask tons of questions, I'm going to have a conversation with you. If you think you can handle it all by yourself, that's cool but, either way it goes, I'm going to get information out of you. Whether I get it now and have you walk out with your day made or whether I get it later and increase your frustration is totally up to you. Best word of advice I can give you is just humor me upon our first contact. When I get home, I don't write it all down. I don't have a database in which I'm going to tap your phone line and document your downfall and I don't work for the fucking C.I.A. I'm just required to take it all down in the computer at work. There's no conspiracy or sinister plot here...it's just policy and it's required of me. If that makes you uncomfy, I can completely relate. If you're just bound and determined to stay in your shell, find someplace where you can.
Speaking of which, I have to wonder why you are so scared to give out your email address but will automatically give me your credit card when I ask for it. Isn't there more damage I can do with your card?
Watch for future blogs where I begin to report people paying only in cash.
I understand that it's a big, scary world out there, people but if technology scares you so much, then why not actually help me to help you? I think that if you're that intellectually devoid, don't be surprised when I'm acting intellectually superior to you on my own time?
Right now, I feel like a microprocessor and I'm in the red and all I'm saying is that it's dangerous to fuck with a processor when it's in the red okay? I could blow.
posted by Lord Genocyde at 9:34 PM
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