Firing Back (A Rant In The Key of F)
After a few months in the customer service thing, I think it's officially safe for me to say a few things. I've taken a lot of shit to earn some paychecks in my day but I never once thought that my entire career in corrections would be preferable to what I'm doing now. I always thought that I could do way better than corrections and working in the realm of all the gadgets and toys that I'm used to playing with was more my speed but I've encountered more species of lowlife, douchebag mouth-breathers than ever. In my former line of work, we used to call these people P.M.C.F. or Perpetual-Motion Cluster Fucks. The following list proves beyond all doubt that the brain dead do live, resist eating brains on a physical level and do well for themselves, depending on how you look at things. Begin The List!
1. The Broken Record:
This is a customer type that you'll encounter with this particular exchange taking place.
The Broken Record: Hey, do you guys carry car stereos?
Me: Unfortunately, no.
The Broken Record: But you used to!
Me: I know.
The Broken Record: When did you guys stop carrying car stereos?
For those of you who haven't encountered this type, you'll notice that they enter with blank expressions, mouths agape and a voice that says that Hooked On Phonics didn't work for them. That's because they struggled with trying to learn how to use that fancy cassette player with headphones they've probably given up on by now. In the mental processes of The Broken Record, repetition will bring that out of stock item back from obsolescence, reverse time or stop it altogether to a time where everything was so ideal in the world of electronics. No matter how much you try to reason with this person or redirect them so as to better suit your needs, you're the asshole. Apparently, you were with this chain of stores from their inception so you simply MUST know all there is to know about the place and why they suddenly decided to "alienate" the humble car stereo user. Their refusal to accept the facts will have you feeling your I.Q. being sucked away from you.
Most Likely Occupation For This Type of Customer: Window Cleaner At A Gas Station.
2. The Pinball Wizard
This customer is so addicted to gaming that for you to be an electronics outlet of any kind without the "proper" items geared toward gamers is a Mortal Sin deserving of Hell. Running into this type of person makes me want to gnaw my own leg off in order to survive. When you're dealing inside of a niche market and trying to cater to many groups and be a one-stop shop for all of them, The Pinball Wizard insists that you MUST...you just absolutely fucking MUST have one particular piece of equipment for his or her gaming needs. What baffles me is that these kids (chronological age no longer applies) are able to put this type of mentality into a pseudo-intellectual argument while being blasted out of their minds on pot or thinking that the insipid chants of "We are ODST!" is going to send me into some panic-induced state, scrambling for my manager. These people missed the fact that, across the parking lot is a Play-N-Trade and just a couple of doors down is a GameStop. I never said they were logical, but somehow, I guess my mom was right...too much video gaming can really fry your brain.
Most Likely Occupation: Basement Kid For Life.
3. Desperately Seeking Susans:
Contrary to popular belief, these people do not HAVE to be female. These are people that are so enamored with what you have that, to talk to you, you would think that maybe you're going to hang out afterward for a beer and lap dances paid for by this customer. Oh, if only Nature were so kind. The reality is that the type of people more likely to pay for your beer and lapdances all night is probably never going to be where you work. Your chances of being hit by lightning are far better than that. No, this person has no life, friends and hasn't discovered a meaningless sense of social worth on MySpace or some Newgrounds.com leaderboard. This particular type of customer wants to hire you personally. While that's great, what limited time you do have off is normally spent on maintenance work like doing your laundry, washing some dishes, cooking, catching up on sleep that you lost, etc. The DSS wants you as their personal tech guy, their friend and their therapist. Usually, it's the latter of the three that they want you for the most. Still, you know that the calm demeanor you put forth is slowly being betrayed by the raging dragon inside just screaming "LET ME AT 'IM!"
Most Likely Occupation: Janitor
4. The Walking Encyclopedia/UnRealist:
This morale-killing fucktard has invaded all forms of life and won't leave. You know the type. He was the overachiever in high school, barely noticed by women and lacks any sense of social skills. He comes to you with questions and no matter what you've suggested you are WRONG!
Why? He's The Walking Encyclopedia and he's just uploaded the entire goddamn Library of Congress into his head. All the stuff you've learned to say, toss it out the window and get ready because nothing you say will work with this fuckhead. His defining characteristics are glasses that are thicker than normal and the appearance of a snarky twenty-something. If you need a quick ten bucks, ask him or her if they still live with mom and dad, you have about a 95% chance of winning that bet. If you happen to fall into that smaller percentile, ask them if they just recently moved out of mom and dad's joint...you'll win your money back everytime. Your best bet is to just direct them to whatever section they need to go to and advise them as best you can. Nothing you can say will do because, they know everything.
They also seem to want stuff that doesn't exist and think that, just by thinking of it, their Chimera Component Cables exist at a fraction of the price of anything
Most Likely Occupation: Hobbyist (Parental Paycheck Included)
4. The Empowered Consumer/Discounter:
They're a little harder to discern from The Walking Encyclopedia but all you have to hear from them is "I read Consumer Reports" and you know that these people are going to be one of your worst nightmares. I can tell you that I've attempted to reason with them to no avail.
With the advent of the Internet, Consumer Reports' website has basically become a haven for anyone who has had a shit experience with some organization somewhere and, if you really read with a critical eye, there's no place on earth that's safe to shop, nothing good to buy and definitely everyone in the service industry is an Agent of Evil seeking only one thing...to bleed you dry of money while increasing their profit margin. With questionable journalism like that, who can argue?
That's the take with The Empowered Consumer. Bottom line is, you're not to be trusted for anything, at all...ever. If something's on clearance, it must be awful. If it's a display item, it must have something wrong with it. If there's an extended warranty to go with it, you're just ripping them off and, when you do try to cut them a deal, you have an ulterior motive.
The most difficulty I've had with this type of customer is struggling to keep my response to "I read Consumer Reports" from ending up, "Yeah, I love fiction too!"
The Discounter is another in the long line of fucktards associated with the Empowered Consumer. Their defining characteristic is the mating call of bargain bin shoppers everywhere...
"Cheap! Cheap!"
I've also recently learned that The Discounter is actually a virus spreading unchecked and is actually worse than the dreaded H1N1 Swine Flu. They want Price Matching, discounts for the most ridiculous reasons and they can't bring themselves to understand that that kind of thing actually DOESN'T happen in some places
Most Likely Occupation: Mystery Shopper
5. The Hatred Machine:
The Hatred Machine has only one mission...to make your experience with dealing with them as miserable as inhumanly possible. There is nothing you can do to make these people happy. These people are only happy when they're miserable and they're taking you with them. Guess what? That's where you're going...into that deep pit of depression right along side of them. Chances are, they've had a shit experience somewhere and you're just another necessary evil for these fucktards to have to deal with. Nothing you can do will make them happy and they will do everything to have something to bitch about. They blame YOU as the source of all their misery and, hey, don't feel too badly...someone else was as well. Chances are, all the time, effort and energy you put into attempting to make them happy will do only one thing, piss them off further. In the end, you're going to lose and there truly is no way out of it.
Possible Occupation: Wal-Mart Greeter
6. The Adaholic:
No matter that those up the chain refuse to listen to you, The Adaholic believes that you simply must stock that item they found in the sale ads in the circulars that went out. These people will talk to you as though you're five years old.
"See this?" pointing at the ad, "This says you have this item on sale for..."
The only real distinguishing characteristic between this consumer and The Broken Record is that The Broken Record has the mentality of a five-year-old and doesn't carry the damn circular.
Possible Occupation: High School Guidance Counsellor
7. The Retro Human/Conspiracy Nut:
The Retro Human refused to believe that prices will ever go up, components will become more advanced and that you don't have a hand in any of it. You heard me, YOU must have raised the prices in order to gouge them of money and you must have taken all those old parts that kept their Ham Radios running for so long out. Don't bother suggesting the internet, bucko, you must have invented that too and guess what? You're the one profiting on all of it. You're in it with those evil Martians. You're using the new technology to brainwash everyone. It's you and some weird Martian Death Cult doing it all. In your spare time, you worship some Babylonian Deity and sacrifice small children to it. Meanwhile, his children who have the iPhone are somehow secretly tapping his phone line or trying to look at him while he's naked. Or maybe...just maybe...all phones are equipped with cameras so that the government can tap in and see what he's doing.
None of it has to make any sense. The connections really don't have to be as coherent as what I just presented (though they were hardly coherent in the first place) and none of it has to be explained...YOU work for THEM and if you need an explanation, you'll never understand.
These people also ask the same lamefuck question of "Whatever happened to just...simple?" over and over and over again, as though it were somehow written in stone by them and inked in their own blood that this was the way it was supposed to be and damn anyone else who might want something different.
Possible Occupation: Cable Access Show Host...or are the cameras really working for someone else?
8. The Hyper-Sapien:
He's the exact opposite of the RetroHuman. This guy just got his hands on a new smartphone and is already waiting with bated breath for the next one. In the meantime, he's going to entertain himself by loading up on small parts to build that LED-lighted shrine to his original iPhone because someone told him that it was the very first one. Forget coherent explanations with this guy because he WILL get offended if you ask him what the indication was that it was the first one off the line. Once that project's done, The Hyper-Sapien will be back for more parts to literally graft electronics to his body. The only way to deter such self-destruction is to remind him that he should keep up on Wired Magazine....a new version of the device he wants to graft to his ass so that he never has to shit again, thereby interrupting that Call of Duty: Modern Warfare game...ever...again so grafting it might be a little more of a complicated process. I hope that made sense. Main thing to remember, this guy has out MacGyver-ed MacGyver.
Possible Occupation: IT Guy
9. The Vulture:
The Vulture likes to pick at dead things in real life and in the world of electronics, your store and your sanity are a smorgasbord for a feeding frenzy.
The Vulture likes to come in, list what they're looking for, take your recommendation and then begin a two-hour-long Q&A session that will require you to know every subtle nuance of a fucking cordless phone. The extensive list of questions will range from the pricing on the phone to can it open up a wormhole in deep fucking space. In this case, every product in that line is evil and they can only determine the lesser of those evils.
Possible Occupation: Rotten Tomatoes Dot Com Writer
10. The Electrocutie:
I've saved this one for last because it's the one that gets under my skin and wears it like something off of Ed Gein's line of clothing products.
They come in with the most vague questions and expect you to know what they're droning on about. If they don't come in with vague questions, they come in with unrealistic expectations and they think it's cute. When you suggest bringing the product they already actually possess into the place so you can look it over and figure it out, they quickly reject this notion and it's ALWAYS accompanied by the phrase, "Oh...I'll know it when I see it." These brain dead individuals also carry cellphones but refuse to call home to ask and when they do, they'll put you on the line with whoever it is. You'll know you've descended into the 666th circle of Hell when the person on the other end of the line knows less than the person in front of you. You Are About To Have A Very Bad Day.
The whole time this is going on, you're probably going to be subjected to the usual insults of "I'm going to (Insert Organization Name Here) because this is too expensive!" or "*sigh* I thought you guys knew what you were talking about!" or these people will stand in front of you acting as though their complete lack of knowledge is supposed to be the "Awww" of The Day.
Possible Occupation: We'd have to assume this customer could possibly have an employment history of longer than a week and that's stretching it.
It's occurred to me that I've probably touched on a few of these types before but with each passing day, just when I think a new classification can't possibly exist, God throws another one at me. At my present going rate, I'm either a candidate for being canonized a saint or possibly a shooter from a bell tower.
1. The Broken Record:
This is a customer type that you'll encounter with this particular exchange taking place.
The Broken Record: Hey, do you guys carry car stereos?
Me: Unfortunately, no.
The Broken Record: But you used to!
Me: I know.
The Broken Record: When did you guys stop carrying car stereos?
For those of you who haven't encountered this type, you'll notice that they enter with blank expressions, mouths agape and a voice that says that Hooked On Phonics didn't work for them. That's because they struggled with trying to learn how to use that fancy cassette player with headphones they've probably given up on by now. In the mental processes of The Broken Record, repetition will bring that out of stock item back from obsolescence, reverse time or stop it altogether to a time where everything was so ideal in the world of electronics. No matter how much you try to reason with this person or redirect them so as to better suit your needs, you're the asshole. Apparently, you were with this chain of stores from their inception so you simply MUST know all there is to know about the place and why they suddenly decided to "alienate" the humble car stereo user. Their refusal to accept the facts will have you feeling your I.Q. being sucked away from you.
Most Likely Occupation For This Type of Customer: Window Cleaner At A Gas Station.
2. The Pinball Wizard
This customer is so addicted to gaming that for you to be an electronics outlet of any kind without the "proper" items geared toward gamers is a Mortal Sin deserving of Hell. Running into this type of person makes me want to gnaw my own leg off in order to survive. When you're dealing inside of a niche market and trying to cater to many groups and be a one-stop shop for all of them, The Pinball Wizard insists that you MUST...you just absolutely fucking MUST have one particular piece of equipment for his or her gaming needs. What baffles me is that these kids (chronological age no longer applies) are able to put this type of mentality into a pseudo-intellectual argument while being blasted out of their minds on pot or thinking that the insipid chants of "We are ODST!" is going to send me into some panic-induced state, scrambling for my manager. These people missed the fact that, across the parking lot is a Play-N-Trade and just a couple of doors down is a GameStop. I never said they were logical, but somehow, I guess my mom was right...too much video gaming can really fry your brain.
Most Likely Occupation: Basement Kid For Life.
3. Desperately Seeking Susans:
Contrary to popular belief, these people do not HAVE to be female. These are people that are so enamored with what you have that, to talk to you, you would think that maybe you're going to hang out afterward for a beer and lap dances paid for by this customer. Oh, if only Nature were so kind. The reality is that the type of people more likely to pay for your beer and lapdances all night is probably never going to be where you work. Your chances of being hit by lightning are far better than that. No, this person has no life, friends and hasn't discovered a meaningless sense of social worth on MySpace or some Newgrounds.com leaderboard. This particular type of customer wants to hire you personally. While that's great, what limited time you do have off is normally spent on maintenance work like doing your laundry, washing some dishes, cooking, catching up on sleep that you lost, etc. The DSS wants you as their personal tech guy, their friend and their therapist. Usually, it's the latter of the three that they want you for the most. Still, you know that the calm demeanor you put forth is slowly being betrayed by the raging dragon inside just screaming "LET ME AT 'IM!"
Most Likely Occupation: Janitor
4. The Walking Encyclopedia/UnRealist:
This morale-killing fucktard has invaded all forms of life and won't leave. You know the type. He was the overachiever in high school, barely noticed by women and lacks any sense of social skills. He comes to you with questions and no matter what you've suggested you are WRONG!
Why? He's The Walking Encyclopedia and he's just uploaded the entire goddamn Library of Congress into his head. All the stuff you've learned to say, toss it out the window and get ready because nothing you say will work with this fuckhead. His defining characteristics are glasses that are thicker than normal and the appearance of a snarky twenty-something. If you need a quick ten bucks, ask him or her if they still live with mom and dad, you have about a 95% chance of winning that bet. If you happen to fall into that smaller percentile, ask them if they just recently moved out of mom and dad's joint...you'll win your money back everytime. Your best bet is to just direct them to whatever section they need to go to and advise them as best you can. Nothing you can say will do because, they know everything.
They also seem to want stuff that doesn't exist and think that, just by thinking of it, their Chimera Component Cables exist at a fraction of the price of anything
Most Likely Occupation: Hobbyist (Parental Paycheck Included)
4. The Empowered Consumer/Discounter:
They're a little harder to discern from The Walking Encyclopedia but all you have to hear from them is "I read Consumer Reports" and you know that these people are going to be one of your worst nightmares. I can tell you that I've attempted to reason with them to no avail.
With the advent of the Internet, Consumer Reports' website has basically become a haven for anyone who has had a shit experience with some organization somewhere and, if you really read with a critical eye, there's no place on earth that's safe to shop, nothing good to buy and definitely everyone in the service industry is an Agent of Evil seeking only one thing...to bleed you dry of money while increasing their profit margin. With questionable journalism like that, who can argue?
That's the take with The Empowered Consumer. Bottom line is, you're not to be trusted for anything, at all...ever. If something's on clearance, it must be awful. If it's a display item, it must have something wrong with it. If there's an extended warranty to go with it, you're just ripping them off and, when you do try to cut them a deal, you have an ulterior motive.
The most difficulty I've had with this type of customer is struggling to keep my response to "I read Consumer Reports" from ending up, "Yeah, I love fiction too!"
The Discounter is another in the long line of fucktards associated with the Empowered Consumer. Their defining characteristic is the mating call of bargain bin shoppers everywhere...
"Cheap! Cheap!"
I've also recently learned that The Discounter is actually a virus spreading unchecked and is actually worse than the dreaded H1N1 Swine Flu. They want Price Matching, discounts for the most ridiculous reasons and they can't bring themselves to understand that that kind of thing actually DOESN'T happen in some places
Most Likely Occupation: Mystery Shopper
5. The Hatred Machine:
The Hatred Machine has only one mission...to make your experience with dealing with them as miserable as inhumanly possible. There is nothing you can do to make these people happy. These people are only happy when they're miserable and they're taking you with them. Guess what? That's where you're going...into that deep pit of depression right along side of them. Chances are, they've had a shit experience somewhere and you're just another necessary evil for these fucktards to have to deal with. Nothing you can do will make them happy and they will do everything to have something to bitch about. They blame YOU as the source of all their misery and, hey, don't feel too badly...someone else was as well. Chances are, all the time, effort and energy you put into attempting to make them happy will do only one thing, piss them off further. In the end, you're going to lose and there truly is no way out of it.
Possible Occupation: Wal-Mart Greeter
6. The Adaholic:
No matter that those up the chain refuse to listen to you, The Adaholic believes that you simply must stock that item they found in the sale ads in the circulars that went out. These people will talk to you as though you're five years old.
"See this?" pointing at the ad, "This says you have this item on sale for..."
The only real distinguishing characteristic between this consumer and The Broken Record is that The Broken Record has the mentality of a five-year-old and doesn't carry the damn circular.
Possible Occupation: High School Guidance Counsellor
7. The Retro Human/Conspiracy Nut:
The Retro Human refused to believe that prices will ever go up, components will become more advanced and that you don't have a hand in any of it. You heard me, YOU must have raised the prices in order to gouge them of money and you must have taken all those old parts that kept their Ham Radios running for so long out. Don't bother suggesting the internet, bucko, you must have invented that too and guess what? You're the one profiting on all of it. You're in it with those evil Martians. You're using the new technology to brainwash everyone. It's you and some weird Martian Death Cult doing it all. In your spare time, you worship some Babylonian Deity and sacrifice small children to it. Meanwhile, his children who have the iPhone are somehow secretly tapping his phone line or trying to look at him while he's naked. Or maybe...just maybe...all phones are equipped with cameras so that the government can tap in and see what he's doing.
None of it has to make any sense. The connections really don't have to be as coherent as what I just presented (though they were hardly coherent in the first place) and none of it has to be explained...YOU work for THEM and if you need an explanation, you'll never understand.
These people also ask the same lamefuck question of "Whatever happened to just...simple?" over and over and over again, as though it were somehow written in stone by them and inked in their own blood that this was the way it was supposed to be and damn anyone else who might want something different.
Possible Occupation: Cable Access Show Host...or are the cameras really working for someone else?
8. The Hyper-Sapien:
He's the exact opposite of the RetroHuman. This guy just got his hands on a new smartphone and is already waiting with bated breath for the next one. In the meantime, he's going to entertain himself by loading up on small parts to build that LED-lighted shrine to his original iPhone because someone told him that it was the very first one. Forget coherent explanations with this guy because he WILL get offended if you ask him what the indication was that it was the first one off the line. Once that project's done, The Hyper-Sapien will be back for more parts to literally graft electronics to his body. The only way to deter such self-destruction is to remind him that he should keep up on Wired Magazine....a new version of the device he wants to graft to his ass so that he never has to shit again, thereby interrupting that Call of Duty: Modern Warfare game...ever...again so grafting it might be a little more of a complicated process. I hope that made sense. Main thing to remember, this guy has out MacGyver-ed MacGyver.
Possible Occupation: IT Guy
9. The Vulture:
The Vulture likes to pick at dead things in real life and in the world of electronics, your store and your sanity are a smorgasbord for a feeding frenzy.
The Vulture likes to come in, list what they're looking for, take your recommendation and then begin a two-hour-long Q&A session that will require you to know every subtle nuance of a fucking cordless phone. The extensive list of questions will range from the pricing on the phone to can it open up a wormhole in deep fucking space. In this case, every product in that line is evil and they can only determine the lesser of those evils.
Possible Occupation: Rotten Tomatoes Dot Com Writer
10. The Electrocutie:
I've saved this one for last because it's the one that gets under my skin and wears it like something off of Ed Gein's line of clothing products.
They come in with the most vague questions and expect you to know what they're droning on about. If they don't come in with vague questions, they come in with unrealistic expectations and they think it's cute. When you suggest bringing the product they already actually possess into the place so you can look it over and figure it out, they quickly reject this notion and it's ALWAYS accompanied by the phrase, "Oh...I'll know it when I see it." These brain dead individuals also carry cellphones but refuse to call home to ask and when they do, they'll put you on the line with whoever it is. You'll know you've descended into the 666th circle of Hell when the person on the other end of the line knows less than the person in front of you. You Are About To Have A Very Bad Day.
The whole time this is going on, you're probably going to be subjected to the usual insults of "I'm going to (Insert Organization Name Here) because this is too expensive!" or "*sigh* I thought you guys knew what you were talking about!" or these people will stand in front of you acting as though their complete lack of knowledge is supposed to be the "Awww" of The Day.
Possible Occupation: We'd have to assume this customer could possibly have an employment history of longer than a week and that's stretching it.
It's occurred to me that I've probably touched on a few of these types before but with each passing day, just when I think a new classification can't possibly exist, God throws another one at me. At my present going rate, I'm either a candidate for being canonized a saint or possibly a shooter from a bell tower.
posted by Lord Genocyde at 6:46 PM
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