Episode 57: Walmart Proves Evolution Can Go In Reverse

Ladies and Gentlemen allow me to direct your attention to Walmart for a brief moment.

I've been privvy to the frothing at the mouth hatred for Walmart for some time. Some people love Walmart about as much as they love Chainsaw Enemas and while I lived down South...I always asked "Why?"

I mean the Walmart closest to me always had damn near everything I needed, I never had a problem with a return (the few times I needed to return something) and when the staff didn't know something, they let me know but they were completely nice about it. Maybe they weren't my best buds and hell, I'm willing to say that there is the longshot that some of them outright loathed me but I wouldn't have known it because I turned up every two weeks to do grocery shopping and be damned if I didn't come out with stuff that Was Not on my grocery list. Look, because of Walmart, I now have all of the Friday The 13th movies and the entire Superman saga with Christopher Reeve, okay? I got it all cheap there, I never fussed. Walmart in the South was my friend and though I hated working for them, I still loved shopping there. I snuggled up to that big corporate entity and became besties with them. My eye doctor there at the Vision Center was completely friendly and if he ever hated my ass in anyway I would never have known. This guy was friendly on a level that made you feel like he was one step away from propping your feet up on an ottoman and offering you a nice hot cup of green tea with honey in it. Yeah I hated working there but shopping there was never an issue.

Fast forward to two days ago.

I usually pick up my blood pressure scrip from Walmart. $4 and I pay that outta pocket. Never once was there an issue with that. Normally I drop it off, go fart around for about an hour and then, I get a call...it's ready. Whole process takes about 45 minutes at the most. See there's a problem with the Walmart closest to me. It's not enough that one person has to go there but they have to bring the entire fucking massive family with them. Not Walmart's fault but you think they could have laid that store out a little more efficiently.

Before I go on keep in mind that this may seem bigoted...it's not. I'm simply reporting what I observe each and every time I go in there.

I get to hear about the employee's weekends and the myriad meandering clusterbomb of crap they did. Who they screwed, how many of their "dawgs" know and just how many more weekends that will be more of the same.

Those same employees having discussions in the bathroom only for some reason, in here I'm hearing about when they're gonna go light up that spliff they have stashed in the glovebox. Really? Look it's none of my business but damn guys if discussing that is really that important there's something called (correct my slang if my use of the colloquial is wrong) "keepin' it on the fuckin' down low." You speak in hushed tones, no text messages, no documentation, no audio, no video and deny deny deny.

Same employees are obviously on a uniform policy but they wear their clothing three sizes too big. I guess the appearance of professionalism must be one hell of a tall order. Not that I really care but when you're wearing a belt and your pants are sagging....MayDay!

The Shopping Carts. Okay so maybe the employees are a bit on the ghetto side and perhaps the customers are from the Warzone section of the ghetto but look...when the hoodrat who's working for you has a car that's far more flashy than your shopping cart....perhaps it's time to look into some...oh I don't know FUCKING MAINTENANCE! Two days ago I tried four, count 'em, FOUR carts before I found one that remotely worked without randomly veering right or left. Until I put something in it. Then it was BANG...BANG...BANG all the way down every fucking aisle the minute I put a desk lamp into the thing. Thank God I was wearing my BLS colors and sporting a bandanna and a genuine Fuck You Atttitude. Any worse I probably would have started swearing uncontrollably.

Any worse...yeah I spoke too soon on that one.

I have the Walmart App on my Galaxy S III. Yanno what, without that app, this store would have made me just go tell these people to get fucked right then and there. Hardly anything is clearly priced and DO NOT for the love of fuck DO NOT trust that dadgum $5 movie bin. I pulled a DVD out, went to go pay for it...$16. Did I catch a break on the price? Noooope! I bought it anyway. I needed it. Yoga before you ask so yes my well-being was worth the extra $11 that I didn't intend to pay. My point: You Need This Fucking App To Survive in there. It has it's own barcode scanner which is great because you remember those little barcode scanning stations if you had a question? Yeah well they don't fucking exist in there anymore. I don't know where they went but get the app and put it on your phone because you're going to need it. Asking an employee to do it I literally got her walking away from me before hearing "no speaka da Ingles!" She doesn't speak English? And she got hired? Fuck me, just what is this country coming to?

Speaking of the Walmart App let's go back to the blood pressure meds...the reason I'm there in the first place. Let's talk about how my blood pressure pills come. I get this plastic thing. I push a button and the entire blister pack slides out and I punch out the one pill I need each morning. Reverse engineering shows me that all anyone ever needs to do is take one of these blister packs, slap it into the plastic container, slap a label on it...done and done...shouldn't even take forty five minutes right? Well before leaving physical therapy I used the app to call in a refill. Got the email confirmation and headed that way. Took me 45 minutes to get there. I got there and farted around looking for a few things I needed (wrestling the damn cart, having to hear about these two who can't leave the Turkish Skullbong at home, scanning things on my own because I really couldn't find an employee who looked like they might speak something other than Spanish or Hood, etc.) and finally, having everything I felt I needed I made my way to the pharmacy with my clattering cart and a genuinely shit attitude that I hadn't gotten my call and it was fucking two hours past now.

The lady at the counter informed me that it wasn't ready but it was in filling and it would only be a few minutes. I tried to put on my Okay No Problem face and let her know I'd be looking around. I scoured the store...I know how many goldfish this Walmart has plus it's birth to Goldfish death ratio. I know how many will be there this weekend and I've already come to know a couple of their tropicals. They say they dig my battle jacket and I thanked them kindly. Another hour later, nope...still not done and won't be done until after three. I sent the request in at something like 10:45 am...it's not 2pm. I left. Fuck that, I have enough to last me for two days anyways man. Ya think they could have informed me. I paid for my stuff (a whopping $25) and fucking left. I got a call at about 4:30pm that my scrip was ready. Did I go pick it up? No. I'm going to do that tomorrow. Saturday night. I'm going in without my back brace, dressed to the nines in a real Color-Sporting, Fuck With Me And I Will Shove A Bolt Of Valhalla Sized Lightning Bolt Up Your Ass Attitude.

I think after this I'm taking my scrips to Walgreen's. At least they're closer and they ACT like they give a damn. I think I might also ditch my Walmart app for the People of Walmart App.

Episode 56: Two Birds, One Stone

So I'm writing this for two reasons. First I want to address the issue of Gun Control as I've done hundreds of times. I will address the logical fallacies and offer solutions. I will show you that the word “nut” does not come into play here. Second, The Morgan Freeman Debacle on a website called Reddit.

First, let's get onto the subject of Gun Control point by point.

• Let's Ban The “Scary” Ones: First of all, this is a knee-jerk reaction to the fear associated with the mere sight of a gun such as an AK-47, an AR-15, an M-14 or many many other rifles known as “Assault Weapons.” Such fear is easily remedied with a little something called education. Understand Every Gun Works In The Following Manner: First a cartridge is placed into the weapon. Once properly chambered with the bolt closed, the weapon is aimed and once the target is acquired, the trigger is squeezed, releasing the firing pin. The firing pin drops onto the primer which causes a small explosion from the rapid heating of the gun powder thus sending the lead projectile forward through the barrel and out toward the target. The loud “bang” and the recoil aka the kick are a product of the explosion that took place within the weapon. With semiautomatic weapons, the bolt will automatically open and the shell casing which is now empty will be ejected. This is the entire function of the gun itself. Again, every gun works in this manner if it is a semiautomatic rifle, handgun or other type of common weapon. Now, a little more education. You have what is called Single Shot, Semiautomatic and fully automatic. Single shot is just that. You load one round, aim, fire and then repeat the process. Sometimes you will have to pull back the hammer on a pistol in order to fire a round. This type of action is called a Single Action type of weapon. I could go on and on about how you always point the gun in a safe direction (meaning not at anyone and not waving it around) and keeping your finger off of the trigger, Senator Feinstein. Suffice it to say that simply educating yourself on the mechanics of a gun will only show you the difference between what you perceived as a military M-14 and a civillian M-14 is merely cosmetic.

• The Real Difference Between Automatic and Semi-Automatic: This is perhaps the simplest one to clear up. Many of these weapons are called Automatic but they're not. Automatic rifles require only one squeeze of the trigger and anything from a three-round burst (or burp) to a full unload of the magazine will happen. Some weapons are so fast that they can fire multiple rounds per second. Many Gun Enthusiasts know that a fully automatic weapon is completely impractical for the reason that many more rounds are wasted than are worth spending. A three round burst is more controlled but one thing every gun enthusiast knows is that the Semi-Automatic is far more suitable. Semi-Automatic weapons fire one round per squeeze of the trigger. If you want to structure an argument for a weapons ban, at least know the difference between these two terms.

• The Laws: As time has progressed more and more laws have been passed, more and more law-abiding gun owners have found more and more restrictions to purchasing weapons. Those with criminal backgrounds or those adjudicated mentally defective have not been able to purchase weapons through these channels. Instead there is a secondary market which you might know as Black Market. These gun deals take place out of the trunks of cars and small arms dealers are making a fortune off the near prohibition. Criminals have a very easy time getting these guns and they do not apply for permits for concealed carry. The question that I have is exactly what aspect of criminal activity have these laws stopped? The answer is a resounding Nothing At All. Those that simply don't have the connections necessary to purchase the Black Market guns have created other improvised projectile weapons or they have resorted to knives as a means of deadly dispatch.

• Why Won't A Gun Ban Work?: The answer is simple. As an example Louisiana State Penitentiary at Angola actually has in their museum improvised guns. One of them being a shotgun comprised of pipe, a spring and a nail. The shotgun shell could be loaded into the pipe, the pipe screwed in and the nail rigged to the screw pulled back and released which would cause the single shot to fire. Granted it would only be good for one shot but when lead spreads that fast, one shot at close range can take out two or three people when it counts. Afterward, the former shotgun can become a lethal object to deliver blunt force trauma. If a total weapons ban is in place there then how did that stop that particular criminal from creating such a weapon? The Answer: it didn't.

• What If (Insert X Type of Person) Steals The Gun?: This has been a common question in situations where the possibility of teachers carrying guns in school. The truth is, this is another question born purely out of fear. The proposal is not simply to give each teacher a gun and a box of ammo and turn them loose. Part of the proposal is training them thoroughly with the weapons prior to actually allowing them to carry them. When it comes to Civilians having guns in the home or carrying concealed, this is also the case. Civilians carrying concealed go through training and licensing prior to tucking the small weapon on their person to carry it. Though anyone can purchase a firearm for home defense, obviously, keeping it out of the hands of the Little ones and Criminals or anyone who just doesn't know what they're doing is among the first few things anyone should learn. Gun safes, trigger locks and many other devices are wonderful for keeping the hands of the kids from messing with them but what about tactically getting the advantage over your intruder? Certainly this is an issue worth exploring and the truth is, finding that line between securing the weapon to keep it out of the wrong hands and being able to deploy it defensively is not one with which I can issue a guaranteed response. I have found, however, that there is an answer that does work and it is simply this; Be Vigilant And Properly Train, Train, Train, Train! Training eliminates the fear of the weapon but cultivates respect. Furthermore, It allows you to handle it more confidently without being overconfident. While it is no guarantee, this is the right of the individual to make the choice for themselves and to choose wisely and act responsibly.
• What About The Children? Who Will Protect Them From The Gun?: If you ask that question, I assume that you're a parent who is genuinely concerned for the safety of your children. Rightfully so. You should be and you do have a legitimate concern. My question in response is this. Are you informing me that you are unwilling to take the responsibility to teach your children the facts on guns? Are you that derelict in your parental duties to your children that you wouldn't teach them to respect the weapons that they see and that they shouldn't point it at anything that they do not wish to destroy? I should hope not. In my household, guns were a part of everyday reality. There were guns leaning in corners, sitting atop nightstands, cabinets featuring rifles that hunted and were taken for target shooting that displayed them along with the ammo but the one thing you never saw any of the three of us doing was taking them out to show our friends or acting as though we were going to use them illicitly. Neither did any of our neighborhood friends for that matter. None dared touch them. My own father took the time to sit us down, take us target shooting and educate us thoroughly on the weapons in our home and they came with a grave and dire warning. The Moment You Don't Respect This Weapon, It Will Kill You And You Will Not Come Back. This Is Not The Movies. It did not take much for us to learn the lessons that my dad taught us. He taught us properly and for many years, I didn't want much to do with guns. I preferred swords and knives to guns. I still, however, firmly believed in a man's right to choose for himself.
• Are You Saying We Should Make It Like The Wild West All Over Again?: Consider this; The bloodiest and most violent year in the Wild West produced only five deaths by gunshots. You are statistically more likely to be killed in your hometown today than you ever would have been had you found yourself unarmed and simply lounging beside the OK Corral. Certainly, five deaths by gun is five deaths too many unless the ones we are speaking of were shot in self-defense by the other party. In that case, five of the right people went home to their families that night and most likely, your lineage still continues because of it.
• What About Crazy People With Guns?: This has been one of my favorite questions because I like to ask, “what about them?” Most of those whom have been adjudicated mentally defective will be unable to get guns through the proper channels. Most of those people won't even try but let's look at the case of the Aurora shooter. A lone nut with a gun? Yes. But how did he get them. Obviously he didn't waltz into a store and purchase them legally. For a fully automatic weapon, in most places you have to present a level three federal firearms license. Since he was on SSRIs at the time we can safely assume that he did not have the requisite license nor did he purchase them legally. Keep this in mind. Many people died during that shooting and there was mass panic but had there been one trained individual with a pistol who had his or her wits about them, this story may have ended differently. No guarantees that it would have, but the chance still would be there that at least some of those who died could be living to tell the tale today. If someone charges into my home and they're out of their mind, I would rather have some means of defending myself than allow myself or anyone else in my home to be brutally murdered.
  
• What Is The Problem With Licensing As We Do Cars?: Then you no longer have a right. The difference between a right and a privilege is that the State grants privileges and revokes them but when it comes to a right, it cannot be taken without due process of law. Drunk/Intoxicated Driving kills Tens of thousands per year. While Drunk drivers fortunate enough to go to prison and serve prison terms have their entire freedom taken from them, many do get their driving licenses back within a very short time of release. Their driving privileges are given back to them when auto accidents kill more per year than gun accidents do. Should someone go to prison for a violent felony, their right to keep and bear arms is taken and NEVER returned. While you may be in favor of this understand that you don't know who behind the wheel has ever been convicted of driving drunk. You also cannot use your car to defend yourself in that situation. With that point being made, should someone become an intruder in your home or accost you, the gun he carries isn't one obtained legally. It's a question of simple logic and take a Civics refresher now. You have, under the Declaration of Independence, three basic inalienable rights. Those are Life, Liberty and Pursuit of Happiness. Those rights were guaranteed by the first ten amendments to the Constitution. Those rights are endowed by your Creator, no matter who you think that Creator to be, therefore, you do not have to ask anyone to exercise them. The State does not give you those rights, they are declared as being self-evident. The Constitution does not give you those rights...it Cements Them.

• But We Have Police And Military!: Then by virtue of that logic, you should stop wearing your seatbelt. Quit being so paranoid that you'll get into an auto accident or that a drunken driver will slam into you at any moment. You should also stop carrying a fire extinguisher in the home. That's what we have firefighters for. Hard Fact: By the time a crime is committed, the police are merely the cleanup crew. Truth is a pizza is more likely to reach your home quickly than the police are. The police cannot protect you. The Military is only sworn to Protect And Defend THE CONSTITUTION of The United States Against All Enemies; Foreign And Domestic. Remember That.

• You Don't Need An AR-15 For Hunting: You've missed the point. This is not about Need. This is about Rights. I have the right to own any type of weapon I wish. I also have a responsibility to exercise good judgment when choosing my weapon for the situation. I personally have no need that I can see for an AR-15, that much I can concede for the time being. Still, I find nothing wrong with the desire to own one and fire it at a range. I find nothing wrong with wanting to own a tank should someone so desire but the question I have is where would you park it? For someone like myself, it would be completely impractical to own a tank, a LAWS rocket launcher, An RPG (Rocket-Propelled Grenade) or any other type of heavy ordinance but while it's impractical for me, others who abide by the law and wish to prepare themselves for Worst Case Scenarios...this is America. As American Citizens, it is your right to do so no matter what I think of it. Let me think it crazy or foolish. If it happens you may take delight in the fact that I've been caught unprepared while you have the ability to fight off nearly any threat.

• What Possible Good Can Come From Any of This?: Allow me to give you, my reader, one scenario with a couple possible outcomes. As my girl and I are walking out of a movie, someone pulls a gun and demands all of our money, cellphones, etc. Outcome 1. We comply. He decides that we, as witnesses are a liability and kills us both, taking his loot and running into the night. My family now must attend my funeral. Outcome 2. I pull my weapon and shoot him at close range, killing our attacker. I go to jail for having a concealed weapon but we both live. Outcome 3. I pull my weapon and shoot him at close range, killing our assailant. The police rule it self defense and at some point, my family attends a wedding. I don't know which one of those outcomes you'd rather see but I'll take my chances with two and three. I know you probably do not approve but that is the wonderful thing about exercising a basic right, I do not have to ask for anyone's approval.
• Are You Saying EVERYONE Should Own Guns?: Absolutely not. I obviously do not have any definite answers on who should own guns but in my lifetime I have personally observed people that have no business owning a flashlight. Some people shouldn't breed or drive. I however will defend their right to do all of the above. What I am saying is that everyone should have the option to decide for themselves whether gun ownership is right for them. In an age where we are able to speak to a doctor and actually obtain a prescription for drugs like Chantix with the litany of rather horrible side effects if we decide it's right for us. I find it confusing that we cannot simply agree to allow each other to make their own decisions as to how they'll defend themselves from psychopaths or tyrants. We want to end the epidemic of bullying so badly that we set the poorest examples for our children by giving into the desires of criminals and tyrants. Do we not deserve to live our lives as adults without being cowed by someone or group thereof?

• So Who Protects Us And Keeps Us Safe And Secure?: You do. As shocking as this may sound, in a free nation there is no guarantee of safety or security. That may sound terrifying but life in a free civilization requires you to be responsible for YOU and your affairs. Should you not find this particular situation to your liking, understand that I can sympathize. We all would like our things that we've toiled and worked so hard for all of our lives to remain ours. We all would like to walk about in the world unmolested and we all would simply like nothing more than to be left in peace to tend to our affairs but it is no one else's business to see to it that those things occur in safety than ours.

In conclusion to this particular point, gun owners and enthusiasts, for the most part are reasonable human beings preparing for what they perceive to be an eventuality that, hopefully, will never occur. Should you choose not to own a gun or any other type of weapon for any reason, then know that I understand and fully support your right to refrain from owning a device that you don't think is right for you. Remember that you do have the right to choose for yourself, you do not have the right to choose for me.

Finally, onto the second point. On a website called Reddit.com (one I visit daily) there was an AMA (Ask Me Anything) posted by Morgan Freeman. Needless to say, it did not go well. Redditors (name for the site's visitors) sent cries of “FAKE!!” over and over again. If you simply do a search on Morgan Freeman AMA at Reddit.com you'll find many many posts all surrounding this rather controversial AMA. To that I have only this reply to offer. First, this is the Internet where anyone can be anyone they desire for any reason and by any means. That being said, remember that you do not have to believe anything posted by anyone at anytime. You also don't have to become so emotionally invested. Was it Morgan Freeman? Possibly. Was it some PR guy answering questions, I suppose that's also true. Then again, the fact that you may be reading these lines in Morgan Freeman's voice is enough to make me smile and that's just fine by me.