Episode 110: Certified Fucking Morons: A Rant

Guys, this is just me blowing off steam. I'm not here to whine about some moron on the internet but rather just show those who choose to read that there are people out there with certifications, plenty of arrogance to accompany it, no common sense and, the worst part...these are the people that are held in high esteem in our society.

An elist about corrections sent out an email marked "Interesting Article." In light of what's been going on in Texas, I thought it to be a more detailed article about that situation but was only slightly disappointed to find that the USA Today online article was from a year ago.

From the onset, the article posed the question "Should Kids Go To Court In Chains?"

(Full Article for those interested, comments welcome: http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2007-06-17- shackles_ N.htm)

I sat there reading the opening which already made me laugh.

Excerpt from opening: Malyra Perez is 14, and yes, her mother says, she is troublesome. Malyra runs away and goes to school high, her mother tells the judge. She is in court on a charge of grand theft auto.

But she shouldn't be in shackles, Myra Perez says. "I didn't like that, not at all. She's not a criminal."

Let's go through the laundry list for a second. Runs away from home. Goes to school high...note, it doesn't say "goes to high school" and then she's in court on a charge of GTA and we're not talking video games. But she's not a criminal? Mrs. Perez, allow me to help you here. I'm always happy to lend a helping hand. See, your daughter runs away from home and steals cars. To police, that shows a risk of flight and she's doing drugs as well. If she's behind the wheel of a stolen car and high as the cruising altitude of the Millennium Falcon then what is she? She's a danger to herself and others, Mrs. Perez. While she's in police custody (because it's time to consider that your custody didn't do much to curtail that behavior) then she's not a threat but guess what...they can't take the jail cell into the court room.

But hey, I'm an understanding guy. It's upsetting to see your kid that way. It's upsetting to have people see you like that (take it from a former FNG who got used as the practice dummy at work...it's not really the highlight of your day and having to explain to family and friends why your wrists are all marked up...not fucking fun either) so there's an obvious and simple choice to be made, right? Just don't do shit like that and you're fine.

Now, with that out of the way, let me go on record by saying that I think it's pretty obvious as to what my opinion on the matter is and it will not change save for a logical conclusion that is not simply a matter of opinion.

Enter Randy. Randy's response to this rolled my eyes and it took everything I had to keep from vomiting Day-Glo.

Randy: " This is a great article. Having a mainstream news service write a detailed national article about the callous use of shackles on children is a long time coming. Thankfully, some attorneys and judges are saying enough and ending these shameful and destructive practices. Hopefully, USA Today will write a followup article on how many juvenile facilities and staff use handcuffs and restraint as a tool to abuse and punish their wards."

I didn't know whether to laugh or put this guy in for candidacy for The Idiocracy Party. Already, he sounded like an extremist and I had to wonder just where he got his baseless bleeding heart bullshit.

Naturally, I stepped in from experience. Children are far more impulsive than adults and tend to exhibit traits that are far less conducive to a smooth running operation in a correctional setting. Keep in mind, I'm attempting to appeal to a sense of logic. Ever heard the term Epic Fail? Yeah well that's what it turned into. He went from Bleeding Heart to Bleating Heart and what he said next floored me.

Randy: " In a small percentage of cases, I have to agree that restraints are necessary, but for the rest, no way. Any law enforcement officer who cannot cope with an occasional wild child is simply not qualified to hold a job of that nature, period. I for one will no longer accept the excuse of "security" and "it saves everybody a lot of trouble" for the harm that routine shackling of teenagers causes. There is simply NO excuse for shackling a 10-year old boy or a 100 pound 16-year old girl.

As for respect, I frankly don't need, nor do I care whether I have the respect of the local, state or federal correctional officers associations. What matters is that I hold an advanced degree, am a highly successful professional with a government agency, I vote, am involved in the political process, and involved in making public policy. Our current justice system is completely broke, the nation can no longer afford to let the prison judicial industrial complex continue to run amok, and changes are coming. The article under discussion and the outcome of the recent election is proof enough of that. Those law enforcement officers who cannot cope with the coming changes need to in their own self interest update their resumes and start looking alternative careers. It is that simple."

Doesn't need respect? Good because the respect I'd given him vacated with a swiftness when he showed his lack thereof. It seems he's a fan of more baseless assumption and, from what I'm gathering... he seems like he's a bit emotionally disturbed. Still, I can't resort to ad hominem attacks. That would just make me look like what he wants to make me out to be...a glorified thug.

Naturally, I pointed out the logical fallacies of his argument...yet. ..again.. .and continue going. I'm watching JAG while I wait for The Twilight Zone to come on because, let's face it, Sarah The Marine carrying a Walther PPK is fuckin' hot! I'm a dude, get over it.

My iPhone dinged several times, letting me know in advance that emails are arriving. I'm banking on most of them being spam.

Then, the next phase of his diatribe kicks in:

Randy: "A kid with a "dangerous felony record" would qualify as one of exceptions I mentioned. As for the rest, keep talking like that and I will probably be moved to make sizable donation to the ACLU or a prison rights group. By the way, what state do you work in? "

Now, he's resorting to thinly-veiled threats. Nice. Well, far be it from me to back down from the challenge. Call it stupid if you like, I get worse from the townspeople here. I gave him more information than what he could want. He can call my job. He can come over if he likes. He can do anything he wants but there's the real savage burn.

See, by this point, I already hear Donnie Baker in my head screaming "Yeah, Randy, I know you feel sorry for all those poor misunderstood kids. Can you say 'queer?'"

He's already made those like me out to be ineffective bullies who are doing little more than glorified babysitting. By virtue of his statements, we're practically cro-magnon throwbacks with serious emotional issues who just like to bully around others. If asked, I'm sure that he'd throw a sexual connotation or two in there (for the record...it' s why I won't work at the women's pen...I know me and I don't trust me) just for good measure.

However, what he's proven, again by virtue of his own statements, is that he's not willing to go into the trenches. He's willing to play an insufferable armchair quarterback' s position and furthermore, he's taking the coward's way out by simply throwing money at a problem situation. Isn't that what got us into this in the first damn place? Factor in that he's also willing to lord his self-proclaimed "knowledge" and "political power" over me in order to keep me from disagreeing and I have but one question....

Randy, how are you and I so different?

In conclusion, I do have one final thing to point out. I've seen classmates of mine go through the same procedures as the kids mentioned in the article and I'd concluded a few things that are as follows:

1. Orange was never my color.

2. Steel being wrapped around my wrists and ankles wasn't cool unless I'm doing an escape act

3. I'm not Harry Houdini or Criss Angel so that kinda ixnays the escape acts.

To quote Dennis Miller "That's just my opinion, I could be wrong."

Already Gone: The New Jersey Chronicles vol 1.

I had started to doubt my decision to snag the iPhone 3G as my phone upgrade. I mean, was it really necessary to drop $200 on a phone that had a lotta fancy gadgets that I'd probably never use and a battery that wasn't user-replaceable? Probably not. Then again, there were times where even I had been wrong about my technology selection. So far, the phone took my expectations and kicked them into the trash. I finally had a phone that could help me get around unfamiliar areas, call, listen to music, surf the web and I've even got a lightsaber on this fucker. Needless to say, I was happy with it.

October 21st was my first time on a plane in 25 years. I was just a little kid the last time I was on one and I distinctly remember those planes having a LOT more goddamn room on them. For those of you who have NEVER been on a plane...let me enlighten you on the wonderful world of flying.

First, there's checking in. Gotta get that one bag into cargo about two hours BEFORE your flight leaves...so have something to do like a crossword puzzle or a video game to play, etc. If you're a smoker, get ready to ditch that precious lighter of yours. If it's a Zippo, you're fucked as far as that goes because there's no way in hell you're taking it aboard. Plan all of your packing at least two days in advance and leave the Zippo at home, favor one of those cheap disposable lighters that hardly works...it won't be such a pain to part with it.

TSA is a lotta damn fun to go through. Take all the electronics out of your bag...you're stickin those into bins. You can leave the chargers and the like in your bag. If you're a total technophile like me, you carry a lot of these devices and chargers. Needless to say, this part takes awhile. If you're travelling in the spring and summer months, wear sandals or flip flops because they're easy to take off. Don't wear any metal and have your Driver's License and Boarding Pass ready. Once you're done emptying your carry-on and sending that part through, you're going through a metal detector. Should you be wearing necklaces or rings or metal-frame eyewear...that should be going through with your bag. This whole process is a nightmare, really if you're travelling through autumn and winter months. At the other end of the metal detector, you're repacking all that crap into your carry-on and then you're going to do the equivalent of getting dressed again. By the way, your coat, sweatshirt and shoes are going through the X-Ray scanner too. Basically, this whole portion of tonight's episode is the equivalent of a search you see in one of those cheesy prison exploitation movies from the early '90s.

Once you're packed and dressed again, you're going to sit at the terminal gate until your plane arrives, everyone on it gets the hell off and then the plane is refeuled. This plane is one of those Buddy Holly type planes. Two propellers sit on the wings and everyone inside is crammed together on the inside like a damn can of sardines. Come to think of it...I think sardines have a little more room. Now, pay attention really closely to this one. DO NOT use any portable electronic devices until the plane is at cruising altitude. This is very important because of cabin pressure. They kinda like for you to use headphones with everything. Oh yeah...and turn off the wireless features to anything you've got...that will royally start to fuck with the instruments in the cockpit and, unless you're a fan of pants-shitting turbulence with NORAD interception...it's just a good damn idea to let your precious business proposal sit pretty in your email for a bit. Okay, well the former thing about leaving that iPod off until the plane was in the air...I didn't listen to that and know what the result was?

Ever had a pair of earbuds feel like Lou Ferrigno is shoving them into your ears while growling at you like The Incredible Hulk? Yeah, well when that cabin pressurizes and your ears pop because you didn't chew some gum and you decided to listen to that damn song because you can't get it outta your head, you'll know the feeling. Geeeeeeeez, that sucked!

Okay, so this Buddy Holly plane which sounds like someone blowing an extended raspberry with spitting and sputtering while you're wondering whether this thing is going to make the 45-minute flight is now in the air. Since the cabin pressurized when they closed the fucking door, you're probably already like me looking at that flight attendant thinking Way ahead of ya, sweet thang! Now, it's a real nightmare because you're going to have to go through the ear-popping again with your connecting flight and you're just praying to God that it's bigger than this pack of gum with 20 people crammed into it.

Now, when this thing lands, forget that tire screech...that doesn't happen. What does happen is a lotta turbulence and then BOOM...it lands. No lie, that's how these damn things work. Now, you have to go piss like a racehorse because that ONE coke you had has decided that a rapid evacuation of the bladder is in order. So you're now in one of the biggest damn airports in the world and you're charged with the task of finding a bathroom AND your gate in time. I had the fortunate instance of doing both JUST before the plane boarded...and still managed to find the time to buy some Crocs flip-flops which are comfy as hell.

Now, bigger plane, bigger buncha damn procedure. First class passengers board first and then they board all others from front to back. You should see this damn parade. One more thing, your seat can become arbitrary in a split second so don't have your heart set on that window seat. I know because some really stuck up chick took the seat assigned to me and when I pointed this out, she looked me up and down and then ignored my presence. This caused several people to become irritated with ME. Like I had any fucking say in the matter. Hopefully, she was identified as a problem passenger and booted unceremoniously later. What happened to me? Well, I ended up in a seat with a spacing far smaller than the plane I was on before. The movies really are fulla shit. There's not enough room to use my fucking iPod much less a laptop computer.

This time, I listened to the instructions about the electronic devices and just decided to take a nap...if I had to sit in a space smaller than a coffin nail...that broad had to listen to my snoring. Fair deal, in my opinion. There truly are no guarantees in life other than instant Karma.

About three hours later...I land at Philadelphia International Airport and disembark from the plane. I met up with Misty and had to wait nearly a half hour for my damn suitcase. The woman that took my seat was engaged in conversation across the carousel from me talking about the man who sat in front of her who snored loudly and farted on her. Lesson learned, I guess...when you're in another man's seat...fucking move it! I have no mercy on rude people. When I finally snagged my suitcase, it was out the front door. Wel over eight hours had passed and I needed a cigarette like you wouldn't believe. There's the other lesson. Be polite to people on buses, planes, and trains...you never know what is creating the hair trigger they're on. A smoker who hasn't had one in awhile and has a book on his computer about CIA Revenge Tactics becomes a motherfucker when engaged.

Off the plane, halfway through my damn smoke, the shuttle comes to take us to parking. Now that I'm on this thing, all I have to hold onto is a handrail and I'm being thrown all over the place. At one point I think my legs actually came up off the ground and my deathgrip on the handrail is all that kept me in place. Finally at parking, we get into Misty's car and now, I'm smoking like a frieght train, marvelling at the grandeur of Philadelphia. Rocky was filmed there, yanno!

Once we're in South Jersey, I meet her parents. Nice people. Her mom is a former biochemist and her dad is a WWII/Korea Veteran both of whom I respect very much. We sat there in the living room talking about old movies, comic book superheroes and the comparisons between Louisiana and New Jersey. One of the biggest that I immediately noted was how tightly crammed together most houses were. It was truly like something outta Spider-Man. All the back yards are only SLIGHTLY bigger than the front yards. The whole time that I'm getting to know her parents, their dog, Pal, is terrified of me. Apparently, he was rescued from a pound who rescued him from, of all places, a brothel in a bad neighborhood. When we leave her parents house, it's time to do the one thing I've practically neglected all day...eat.

Misty had told me of some place called Red, Hot, And Blue. She claimed that this was true Southern food. Okay, look, I'm a Southern guy and I can tell you Popeyes is still falsely claiming that it's chicken is New Orleans flavored...it's not...not by a long shot. I swore that I was going to taste something slightly off. Nope, the ribs were out of this world, the fries were awesome, the sweet potato fries are a real treat and the pecan pie...the best I've ever had. A truly Southern experience right there in South Jersey. SWEET!!!

After we ate and I couldn't eat any more, it was back to Misty's place where her adorable fat-as-hell cats, Maggie and Jessie would have nothing to do with me. They were pretty pissed at Misty too thinking I was their replacement. Like I can replace fucking cats! Long story short, we turned in for the night because we had a trip the next day...To New York City! Pictures and the like will be following.

What a trip this was! Wait til you hear the rest of this one!