Episode 45: TNA Chain Reaction

Hi, Folks. That's right...it's me on another burn but this time, I'm on the aim for TNA (Total Nonstop Action) Wrestling.

Don't get me wrong, I still prefer TNA over WWE because of it's sense of realism and the way that it's presented. Though you know it's a storyline and it's scripted, you damned sure can't tell but there are a couple of issues that I feel the need to address. I've kept it bottled up but now, the pressure's built and it needs to go somewhere.

First, let's address Hulk Hogan. Obviously, he's aired his dirty laundry all over TV. His family's broken up, his son's in jail over a reckless street racing incident and, back in January...he made his debut on TNA. Let's get one thing straight. Anyone who's ever worked with this man can tell you that he's his own commercial empire. I can't fault a guy for making some serious cake by being the best at what he does but what I can fault is this anti-hero routine that he's been espousing lately. The "Take Your Vitamins/Say Your Prayers" Hogan of the '80s is obviously gone but what I'm not buying is this whole Man In Black/Weathered Hero act. Kevin Nash, Sting, DeAngelo "The Pope" Dinero, and even Jesse Ventura have had the same stories time and time again. Hogan, many of us have known for years that you're all about chasing the dollar but to piss down our backs and tell us it's raining...that's the real insult.

Second, Eric Bischoff constantly standing next to Hogan...do you see the surprise on my face? No. Wanna know why? It doesn't exist. Until WCW was turned over into the not-so-capable hands of Vince Russo, it was a successful entity. Guess who was at the forefront of that game. If you guessed Bischoff and Hogan...well you'd have nailed it better than a sniper with a good spotter. These two took a team called The New World Order and became bad guy rock stars. They made a hell of a lot of money off of it. So it's only natural that these two are hanging together.

Now...let's wrap these two up. To have the nerve and gall to tell people like Kevin Nash and Sting that they have to step aside in order to give the younger guys the push because they're the next generation? Hogan, Bischoff, get real. Hogan you haven't left the lens of a camera since the 1980s and I'm talking the early 80s. How many movies? Reality shows? WrestleMania appearances? And Bischoff...didn't John Cena get rid of you from the WWE? Come on guys, the two of you telling Nash and Sting that their careers are over can be summed up in three words. Pot, Kettle, and Black. It's like Keith Richards telling kids that they shouldn't do drugs. Do you really think the fans are buying it? As a fan of TNA, I must request that you take this brand of really crappy dialogue to where it really fits...The WWE.

On to the TNA Management. I want to know one thing...what the hell were you thinking. Back in January when Hogan's face was plastered all over every ad about TNA, I rolled my eyes. I'd have watched it for it's unique octagon ring. I'd have watched TNA Impact for the new blood being infused. I'd have watched it because it's a superior product. Why Hogan and his sidekick? Why bring in the two men who didn't have the sense to keep WCW in the black where it belonged? Did TNA seriously need a celebrity infusion? You already had it. Seriously, Hogan's in such terrible shape with his back that it's not funny. He obviously can't wrestle or he'll end up crippled but you really wanted to hire him in order to just talk smack and "brother" the crap out of us? Not to mention, the completely questionable calls that Bischoff's been making lately? Come on. TNA is obviously a superior product, but it only takes a lethargic combination like Hogan and Bischoff and a lukewarm story dressed up with eyecandy to turn it into the next episode of WWE Monday Night Raw.

Now, let's get onto a few more items. TNA, listen up and take notice because here's what you're getting right.

EV2.0...Tommy Dreamer, Rhyno, Steve Richardson, Mick Foley and Brian Kendrick. Talk about action. Vince McMahon, it may be "blood-soaked and tawdry" but it's genuinely entertaining. These guys have been through ECW (Extreme Championship Wrestling) back in the day before the WWE turned it into another tepid brand. All of these guys have suffered some of the most horrid injuries that one can imagine. Think of what it would be like being handcuffed to the ropes, and then smacked with one of those metal folding chairs. Yeah well these guys endured crap that would kill a terminator and guess what....they're on contract to do it all again. TNA...good move. Not so sure it's a good move on the part of the members of EV2.0 but to a bunch of masochistic wrestlers, I'll back 'em. They either love pain or they're nuts...probably one and the same anyway.

The Special Matches. I actually got to see my first Ultimate X Match. I have to say that it was refreshing as hell to be able to see a steel cage match, The Ultimate X Match, An Extreme Rules Match (Take Notes McMahon) and a host of others as main events. Having an occasional special match type really makes things interesting and, no, a wrestler taking out a computer masquerading as a General Manager doesn't count. By the way, a huge thanks to Adam "Edge" Copeland for taking that storyline down a notch by smashing the computer. My only question...what the hell took you so long?

TNA Reaction. Sometimes, a main event doesn't fit nicely into a small little package. To pull a page from the WWE simply won't cut it and once you've televised it, turning it into a dark match (a match that isn't televised) simply won't do anything for your ratings. To actually have a show that will bring resolution and give us backstage, candid interviews with these guys is simply awesome. We get a look into what's happening in the locker room and that part is what really counts. We see the levels of respect or lack thereof that these guys have for each other. We don't have to wait to see these guys give a bunch of bullshit lines in the ring inside a bunch of drama that can only be matched by something on daytime TV. If I want that I'll just watch Springer.

These are only three of the many reasons I consider TNA to be a superior product but let's keep the good stuff going and kick the Pot And Kettle act out.

Episode 44: Burn Baby Burn!

I feel I've held my tongue long enough on these subjects so let's go ahead and get started.

First, I've voiced my disapproval of the direction that the WWE has taken as of late. We've been subjected to crappy storytelling, worse writing and a host of indecisive, idiotic, glossed-over crap while Vince McMahon lines his pockets with the money of the fans. Though, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. His wife's running for Senator of Connecticut I doubt he's had time to really pay attention. The fact that his Mr. McMahon villain character has been retired (or has it?) may be the reason we haven't seen him in forever. Focusing a little more on the wife than your business, Vince?

Let's run down the litany. Maybe you're a little too busy, Vince, but I have had the opportunity to steal a moment here and it's something my wife has come to know and love so let's keep mine happy, okay? She's ordering your Pay Per Views and I'm paying for them so as long as I'm pumping money into your company, let's get things on track.

Firing Serena Deeb because she didn't keep the Straight Edge Gimmick going outside of the company. Are you serious? Are you going to be letting The Undertaker, The Dead Man Walking Himself, go because he's not really dead? Are you going to be letting Kane go because he's not a demon? Perhaps we should let go of Rey Mysterio because Oscar Guttierez isn't exactly "Mysterio" is he? I know what he looks like under that mask. Go look at some old WCW footage if you doubt me.

Second, Mike Mizanin...Really? He gets a bigger push than Daniel Bryan? Are you serious? Daniel Bryan may not have a personality. He may not even look like someone that you'd think would be a wrestler but he's proven himself time and time again in the independent circuits for the past ten years and trained by none other than Shawn Michaels, you'd think he'd get a little more respect than that. Now that Bryan is the United States Champion, you actually think we're going to put up with Mizanin's antics and his temper tantrums? Mizanin, your Mr. Money In The Bank, go after the WWE Championship. Do you really want to defend two titles at once? Really?

Third, Michael Cole turned into a total douchebag. I remember back in the day when Jim Ross announced with Jerry Lawler. Lawler would make off-color comments while Jim Ross did his job....commentary on the match and calling it down the middle. His comments were always neutral. Lawler, a former wrestler, wore the douchebag mantle better than anyone. Jesse Ventura did the same with Tony Schiavone on commentary. Rein him in because suddenly, Cole thinks he's gonna be the next T-Shirt on ShopWWE.com for Pete's sake. His constant kissing Mike Mizanin's ass had me so disgusted I went and fired up my Nintendo DS to play a few rounds of Pokemon....at least there is entertainment value in that. Another thing about Cole's latest uberdouche turn; Did I order Night of Champions this past sunday or a male version of The Fuckin' View? Bryan was right about you, Cole, you really are the Poor Man's Jim Ross and not even the poor man wants to claim you. If you need a reminder of your humble beginnings, I remember Triple H and Chyna nearly pulling your underwear up over your head during the Attitude Era. Must have had your shorts in a wad ever since.

Finally, The Nexus. Jesus H. Christ, Vince, didn't you hold a contest called NXT Season 1? Didn't Wade Barrett win? Then what are the others doing in the WWE? Barrett, true to form, got his title shot and blew it so why are the others still riding his coat tails as some team of supervillains? I'll let you in on a little secret, Vince, I've always called them The First Season Losers or Barrett And The Hollow Threats. It's time to let the others go or give them contracts and give the fans a damned good explanation of what the hell you and the WWE were thinking.

At the going rate, the WWE is in worse shape than Chris Farley's ass. Too soon for that one?

On a good note, I'm happy to report that Ron "R-Truth" Killings has a new single/Theme song...which had Eve Torres shaking her ass to it. That's a little more than I can say for John Cena. Come on, I like John Cena but the superhero theme has to change some time. He's changed his shirt more than he's changed his theme.

Now, let's move on to more pretentious corporate types in the news.

Steve, Steve, Stevie Jobs...what the hell were you thinking? I've got more bones to pick with you and you just keep giving me ammo on this one so let's see what Apple's CEO has been up to lately.

Awhile back OS4 (Operating System Version 4 to the non-initiated) was introduced. It was announced that some devices weren't going to be able to use all of the features. The new operating system for iPod and iPhone called for Multitasking, Folders to organize your apps and finally....backgrounds. Imagine the let down when I upgraded and only got the folders. Not even a background, Stevie? No? Not one?

A blogger called him out on this one to which he replied that he and his tech team were having issues with it on the so-called "Older Devices". I don't know about you but I have an iPod Touch third gen and it ain't a workin'. Fail....epic....fail.

Well, Steve, you've done one of two things and I'd like to know which it is. So let's go down the short list, shall we?

First, you lied. You and your tech team aren't having issues. You simply refuse to take the time and energy necessary to give the best product support you can. Why not take your time and actually churn out something that might convert the unconverted?

Second, if you aren't lying and your tech team is truly having issues....then you've admitted that you and yours are incompetent. Why do I say that? Because I'm an honest man, Steve and I don't sit there trying to hack my product to make it do shit it's not supposed to do. If you and your team are having issues, the Jailbreakers have long since figured it out, consult them and let's clear up the confusion.

Then, there was Steve's Messiah Moment where he tried to put on his Mask of Goody Two Shoes +2 but his dice roll was botched worse than that of a gambling addict who swears to his wife that he can get the house back. Sorry for that Dungeons And Dragons reference but hey, we're on nerd topic here so keep up.

Stevie thinks that if you want porn on your mobile device, you should buy an Android phone. Why? Because he says that Apple has a, "Moral Responsibility" to protecting it's consumers.

From What, Exactly, Steve? Steve, are you aware that I can load just about any movie or photo onto my iPod and recall it at any time? I actually watched Hostel (Both of them) on my iPod and learned that there are things you can't unsee...even the second time around. What the hell else is going to upset my sensibilities at this point.

Steve, here's how it breaks down. You make device and market device. I purchase device and I decide my content, not you. If you can't take the heat, get out of the damned kitchen. Fact is, this "Moral Responsibility" you're talking about is the weakest excuse to simply be a tyrant even further and attempt to decide MY content for ME? A Grown Adult? Steve, I can access porn sites from my iPod and if I feel like punching the clown while I do it, I'm not leaving that decision up to you. Like it or not, unless you wanna take that Moral Responsibility full on, and believe me you don't want that in the least, then I'd suggest you remain a neutral party in this neighborhood.

Thank God Stevie Jobs was here to save us all from Mother Nature, huh?

The winners of the Sanctimonious, Pretentious Asshole Tag Team Award....Vincent Kennedy McMahon and Steve Jobs!

Now, let's go to the Divas Entry...That's right, I'm now gonna pick on The Real Housewives...of New Jersey.

I used to be a fervent Team Danielle supporter but now I find my support flopping back and forth worse than Brett Favre trying to figure out how retirement works. This show is like a damned train wreck. You don't want to watch. It sickens you to look at it. It's repulsive to see people acting that way but your only other option is what? Jersey Shore and Snookie?

Ladies, none of you are without fault in this bullshit now. Let me illustrate.

Danielle, I have to agree that you were wronged with the book thing. Manzos, if Cop Without A Badge didn't strike you as a title more pretentious than Steve Jobs' self-proclaimed "moral responsibility" then I reserve the right to think that you bought into the sensational nature of the book by cashing in all that you had in all of your accounts. Simply put, all anyone had to do was go to Danielle with this book and consult with law enforcement. Caroline, you said on TV, on the record that you host those little soirees of yours every year in support of law enforcement. Did it ever occur to you to ask how one becomes an informant and just how serious that matter really would be? No, of course not. I'm guessing that you've had no ties whatsoever with the world of criminals. Here's my free lesson.

First, it doesn't happen out of the kindness of anyone's heart. It only happens when someone gets caught up in some serious business and they want to wash their hands of it. They could lawyer up, keep their mouths shut and take their chances in court. Or...they turn narc. If they turn narc, it's not without a price...they're in pocket for good and if they ever get out of pocket, you better believe that the police will not hesitate to move in to make sure that the sins of the past haunt them. Shame on you guys for not even bothering. You took the bait hook, line and sucker and circled the wagons and created a monster.

Danielle, I have to say this. You might have been wronged by the Manzos but that doesn't give you the right to claim that you're a changed person on TV and then entertain thoughts of actually going to crash a party where Law Enforcement is hanging out. I'm thankful your daughters are the voices of reason there.

By season two both of you were at fault and no one was innocent. Sorry but now, I'd rather distance myself from each and every one of you. Something each of you should do from each other and spare us a third season of meaningless and trivial crap.

In other news (yeah I'm done burning here) I finally have some good news. My XM OnyX Radio came in today. The bad news is that the first song I heard was Dangerous Toys' song "Sportin' A Woody." Fuck My Life.

Episode 43: Let It Roll

It's been a while, I know. To all my readers who have been wondering, "Just where the fuck have you been?" Just know that I got in a little bit over my head. The new store still has me busting my ass and there's just far too much drama there. So what have I been doing? Looking for and being rejected by other jobs. I know, fucked up, but hey...it is what it is.

Kinda thought that the big one had come for a minute. About a week and a half ago, I was approached at work as I was breaking into a round of over-the-top celebrity impressions and things like that. You know, the crap I do just to make people laugh. Naturally, I was given a card and my phone number and stuff like that was taken. Talent scout, maybe? What could they really do with my phone number and the fact that I did internet radio for awhile? Nothing. So anyway, I thought, "Yeah, right, I'll probably never hear from this again." I was wrong.

As I was driving home, I got a call and the appointment had been set up in Philly for my next day off. Needless to say, I didn't know what the hell would happen. All I knew was that I had been given instructions. First, dress was business casual...for me, that meant black suit and red tie. Second, check out their website. I know you'd like me to list it but I won't publicly because what comes next is something I still haven't made up my mind on yet. I'm still leaning toward that the offer wasn't legit but, understand that before I go any further on this one, all I have is what I'm relating to you and what problems I had with what had happened

Okay, so I filled both criteria here and I go in. I'm an hour early and for anyone who's had to use metered parking...that's a bitch because you have no idea how long past that appointment time you're going to go. As it turns out...it wasn't that long. Once my appointment came up, I was sitting in a room with all these other hopefuls there and that's when the head of the company came in and basically laid it all out. This is an agency that makes the following as their claim. They put you in front of Grammy and Emmy award winners, producers, agents and some of the top people in the industry of modeling, music, acting and areas of that nature. Basically, they connect you with people. You get to meet the right people and then...it's up to you. But it happens at a private event and then, it's up to you to get yourself rocking and rolling. Okay, now I'm down. Here's the catch...you don't buy a seat...it's earned.

Well if it's one thing and one thing I do well...it's earn things. Look, just today, I negotiated myself into a fuckin' X-Box when I've had no real desire to own one and that was fuckin' easy as hell.

Okay, so I get my choice of interview times...for the next day. I have to work but I mean, shit, this looks full of more promise than what my job's offering. I make calls and arrange for me to get off at 1pm instead of 5pm. Nice, huh? With no coverage...that's fucking fantastic.

Now...let's go back. Mission: Accomplished.

Okay so now I have two things I have to do.

1. I have to come up with ten things that make me as a person...unique.

For those of you that don't know me this is true...you love me or you hate me. No in-between. You can get to know me pretty well within the first hour of meeting me. By then, you've come up with a list of shit that sets me apart from everyone else you've ever met. They can be positive or negative.

2. I also have to come up with a paragraph of why this agency of sorts would benefit me and how I could benefit the company.

No problem there.

I got home...and drew a fucking blank. If I had time, I'd have hit up some of my friends here but I'll be goddamned if they didn't throw this one on me quickly as shit.

Now, here's what I got accomplished by four in the morning.

I actually came up with that list. I wrote a page. I got a title sheet for the demo disc. Yeah, I took one of our best shows and burned a fuckin' disc...and listened to that show from a critical standpoint. Good stuff at the time I'd recorded it but from a critical standpoint two years out...there are things I'd definitely do differently now.

I figured here was my "portfolio" of sorts.

When I went back, I was amped. I was ready to put it all on the table and say, "Okay, here it is and here's what I want to do with it."

I got into the place and, again, early as hell. I was actually in the middle of reading Neuromancer on my iPod and I got in to see them early again.

All they asked to see where the four pictures that I'd brought of me the night before. The entire time. I mean I also looked into photographers for headshots and shit like that but not one ounce of the homework I'd been assigned was ever requested. That bothered me later.

They had two events and this was the bomb that got dropped...it was gonna cost me nearly $2k...and a deposit of almost $500...due today. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Needless to say, long story short...wasn't happening.

I left but I wasn't unhappy with the end result. The weather was nice, I had half the day off and overall....the day just worked out for me somewhere.

I went to work the next day and the damned iPod's Coast To Coast AM podcasts had run out. Now, I'm without anything to listen to except the sound of the engine of the Cruiser and that's when the questions began popping into my head.

Why didn't they ask for the work I'd been given to do? I don't feel the need to be checked on everything that I do and I don't need approval but, look, if you're assigning me tasks to see if I'm good at following instructions, then at least have a look. Why? You're asking me to prove myself and if you're not going to pay attention to it...then let's not waste each other's time.

Why wouldn't they just tell me what's going on in advance? I mean, there's nothing wrong with telling me what I can expect. I might come back the second time around, I might not but at least I will be prepared. If you don't let me prepare, I can't help you.

Why would they need money up front when they just got done telling me to never pay up front and that I'd have to earn my seat at this event? I see that my definition of the word "earn" greatly differs from their own.

Why did they insist that Google was not my friend? Would Bing be a better search engine for reputable agents or casting calls?

Questions like these were killing me. I wanted so badly to start beating my path to the bigger and better things I know I have in store for me but, as Ozzy once said, "You're either in or in the way."

While these questions bothered me, I ended up showing up for work about an hour early. I had nothing to do and boredom meant that those questions would torment me until I answered them. That's when I decided to do some research when I got home on this place. Then the thought hit me, "Hey genius, you have a fuckin' Droid Phone in your goddamn pocket. Do a fuckin' Google search!"

Well it answered one question...seems Google isn't their friend. The first five links were people who have sued this company and won or those who've researched the company to find out it was a scam. There were the occasional people in there stating that they really got on the fast track to always having work with a decent agent in their pocket but those were so few and far between that I've decided to close the door on that company for the time being. I'd need far more success stories from people who have actually used their services before I shell out a damn dime.

So, with no money to give them...if they were indeed a group of scam artists...I could not be scammed. If they're legit then I have to point out one thing...keep this one in mind.

These people made the claim that they have an success rate of 90%. Here's the problem. The way it was presented is that I'm put in front of people who know what they're doing. Then...it's up to ME to do the following up...

Okay so if I'm one of the successes...they claim me as part of that percentage? What happened if over 50% didn't bother following up? Would they then claim that less than 40% of the people make it because they fail to follow up and that this business is only truly for the strong? No. Let's not misrepresent the fact. The fact is if you have a success rate at all it's because you've done the work. You've found the work. You're an agency now. If that's not the case...then perhaps 90% of the people that go through you make it work out for themselves. You don't have a success rate.

Simply put, you're not taking the credit for my work. I'd appreciate being connected by you guys but I'll be the one doing the work. That kind of screams a huge misrepresentation of a fact

So the next step is definitely going to be find a reputable agent and possibly get some head shots and get the ball rolling.

I'm not really sure how to end this one. I don't know how to lower the landing gear and guide this one in for a smooth landing. It's kind of a first for me.

So that's how it's been for me. I hope you've enjoyed it and I hope that it sheds a little light on things.

That's all for me.

Thanks everyone

And Goodnight....