Episode 13: Console Crash

You'd think that after the trials and tribulations I'd suffered recently, they'd be over. No rest for the wicked. It never ends.

I'd told Misty time and again that I'd have to eventually replace the eMachine that I used to fly through cyberspace. Unfortunately, I listened to her as she disagreed.

Once I'd landed in Night City, the problems with the machine escalated. The red kept going in and out on the display, leaving anything that displayed a red color to revert to a green tint or go completely black. Not good at all. Then the RAM went to shit and I had to replace it. Also...not...good. Today, prior to leaving the cube to stock up on supplies, the machine worked fine...sans the red color in the display, of course. When we returned to the cube, I turned it on in order to find the cheat code for the PSP game Infected for the one-dollar avatar.

It turned on but didn't do jack shit. I've been down this road before and it sucks. Console Death, they call it. It's what happens when the runner goes the distance. It just fails. Mechanical things...they fail. No Divine Intervention for my machine. It's just faded on and now...let me tell you...this is why Commandment Numero Uno is so important. Is it possible that this problem could be fixed? Maybe...but I think it would only prolong the inevitable. With Divine Intervention of Two Years at a full-service Purgatory Center, it could have been diagnosed, it's evil bytes purged by way of a technological exorcism and sent home, ready to rock and delivered from evil. This is not the case with it, however, and for it's services to me and you who used to tune in, I think it's done a damned fine job for the three years it ran through cyberspace.

Now, I'm running on the smaller of the two computers. The laptop which has served me well thus far and, of course, the iPhone has never let me down on the fly.

I've decided that eMachines will no longer suffice. Longevity issues are the problem. Now, I've switched to something better. I've opted for a Dell. This particular Dell was called the Dell Studio Desktop. It has half a terabyte of Hard Drive, Two Gigs of RAM, multiple expansion slots and pure, raw power...plus a free upgrade to Windows 7. I contacted Doc about that one. He NEVER gets excited about an operating system. This is the exception. Windows 7 has become what Windows XP and Windows Vista should have been.

I used to muse day in and day out about an Extreme Machine and it looks like I might have on on the lower end. Hopefully, I'll have enough space to slap those other two RAM sticks into it, pop my Sound Card in and my Secondary Hard Drive that contains my music. I'm going to upgrade to another half a terabyte later and then...it's on.

I'm currently sitting at a stop in cyberspace. I get around a bit but I'm waiting for that next ship to take me where I need to go. Not that this one won't do but I just don't like to overheat her. I'm still here and soon...I'll be on my way again.

The crash hasn't left me in completely dire straits but the lack of startup wasn't what I'd call fun.

Episode 12: You're Experiencing User Error

I've reached a new conclusion. Some people have no business owning anything that requires current and voltage.

Okay, I understand that the digital conversion that has baffled people. I understand that.

The reason that The Bishop of The Church of The Cathode Ray TekShop ordained me is because I also possess the gift of prophecy. I saw the confused looks coming. I saw the heads being scratched. I saw the blank expressions.

A digital conversion box is simple. First, get one of those boxes if you haven't snagged one of those snazzy flat-screen TVs yet.

For those who won't get one of the newer TVs, I don't blame you for that. Why toss perfectly good machinery, right? Right! Okay, with that sort of knowledge in the bank, let's move on.

Okay, now that you have your converter box (which is about the size of a small DVD player) you might as well go ahead and snag an amplified HDTV antenna. You'll need that too. Why? Because the digital signal doesn't reach out as far as the analog signal. Yeah, they kinda left that crap out.

Okay, understand the brilliance involved here. The creators of those flat-screen TVs knew they were overpriced and they came out at the worst time. With an economy on life support and walking around with an iron lung breathing like Darth Vader, they knew that their clever inventions just weren't going to fly off the shelves. Next, the government mandates by law that all analog signals must be converted to digital signals. Okay, cool. Then they throw a website at us. If you have cable or digital cable, you don't need the box. If you don't have any of those, you need a box and an antenna. Well, you heard all about the benefits but the fine print tells you that this wasn't such a great idea, actually.

I can see where that creates a problem but what I cannot comprehend is why...FUCKING WHY must I deal with people who insist on not just bending or breaking but PULVERIZING every goddamned commandment set forth by The Church.

Let me explain. Each port is not only labelled but COLOR CODED to the point where you only have to match up the colors. Simple, right? Not to this parishioner.

She showed up earlier that day with the most blank expression I have ever seen on anyone. See, when I wasn't an initiate of the order, I had the freedom to walk away from a situation once I'd explained it in simplest terms. She explained that she got the conversion box and she just stopped recieving signals. Okay, but she didn't have an amplified antenna. I explained that this is one of the items she'd need and even explained how to hook it up. It's ONE CABLE!!!! ONLY ONE!!! Not that hard, folks. She. Did. Not. Get. It. She then explained that her remote control stopped working but couldn't remember if she had even replaced the batteries. She said that she'd return with the stuff so I could show her how to hook it all up.

Hey...great. If it's one thing I can do it's demonstrate. When explanations fail, demonstrations never do.

Personally, I had hoped that she'd wait until Monday or possibly waiting for one of my colleagues to show her what was happening. I was having a frustrating day. People were turning away the Divine Intervention Services we offer. I did NOT want to look at the data feedback because I knew it would only serve to further my frustration. I needed to think that I was converting souls to pass easily into the Heavenly gates of Cyberspace. I knew I wasn't but I needed to believe I was in order to stay motivated. Each of us has an area of specialty. Mine is computers, another has computers and home entertainment. The initiate with whom I worked specializes in home entertainment and our High Priest specializes in everything but computers. I would have hoped she would have consulted with our home entertainment guy.

She didn't...she made a beeline for me. It was everything I could do to keep from breaking out in a cold sweat.

Oh Lord of The Engines...Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?

I picked up the box containing the Digital Conversion Box...it was still taped. This is when it occurred to me that this person has the I.Q. of a fucking bag full of hammerheads. My apologies to any quality Craftsman Hammer Heads that may have been offended by that comment. She had never made the attempt at hooking up this box to the TV.

People, if some box had a mystical ability to aid in your signal getting to your TV so you could watch it, I might be inclined to believe that. Electricity is pretty mystifying but you have to FUCKING WIRE IT DIRECTLY INTO YOUR TV FIRST!!!! Just because you buy boxing gloves doesn't mean you're Rocky Goddamn Balboa. Just because you bought a gun doesn't mean you're the Terminator. Just because you bought a copy of Back To The Future doesn't mean you're going to own a time-travelling fucking DeLorean. Starting to see where I'm going with this. It was suddenly made very apparent to me that this person only thought buying the box would guarantee that she wouldn't lose her signal. Obviously, they forgot to tell her that she had to hook it up to her TV first.

I hooked the antenna directly into the box and then showed her what hooked into the TV. It's ONE CABLE!!!! One Fucking Cable!!! It's not neurosurgery. No one's asking her to slap a 2 terabyte wetwire implant into my fucking cerebellum. It's just one cable, it plugs into the TV's cable port, you plug the electrical cord into the wall along with the same cord from the antenna and there you go...you should have signal. Simple, effective.

She asked me if the box need batteries. Okay, it has an electrical cord and it doesn't unplug from the box. Why in the blue ringed fuck would it need batteries?! Sweet Christ it never ends.

It's shit like this that makes me want to scream the word "Fuck" at random.

It gets better...wait until you hear this shit.

She's also brought the remote and still can't remember if she's replaced the batteries. Now, I understand that batteries are easily replaceable but when in doubt, if it doesn't work, just change the batteries again. If it doesn't work after that...it's not the batteries.

I ended up explaining that I could replace the batteries but there was no way for me to test the remote here. TVs at home, remote is here...guess what's NOT happening? Okay! Now that we understand... She gets a new universal remote...a cheap one. I could have sold her one of the expensive remotes and explained a bad experience with the cheap one but I felt merciful. Poor fool was already walking through this universe with no knowledge of anything electronic. I was amazed that she had acquired and had maintained a license to fucking drive for this many years.

I am a little too ethical even for my own good.

Keep in mind, the whole time this is going on, she will not shut the fuck up. I'm halfway through answering the previous question and I'm being bombarded with another one. Look, if you don't have the time for me to answer your question, enter a damn chat room. The fact that I made it halfway through the first question was progress. That progress was pretty short-lived.

Now, I managed to solve every problem she brought to the best of my ability until she laid the last bomb on me...she had a battery-operated Christmas ornament and the batteries needed replacing but she didn't know how to get the batteries out but she was pretty sure that battery acid was leaking out.

Oh...Why Not?! What the hell!

I opened that damned thing after conquering the three-bag obstacle course she put me through and then, I took those batteries out, wrapped them in plastic and tossed them. The truth was, this damned thing needed a cleaning and an all-night drying.

Okay, now, I sold her the amplified antenna without the Divine Intervention Service, the remote, also without service and the batteries.

Finally, she was gone and Misty bore witness to this whole event.

The way I figured it, the war was over and I had just endured Hell. I no longer fear Hell anymore. I have already looked into it's abyss and now, nothing ...not even death scares me.

So, we're at the point where we're wrapping up for the night. I'm counting the last drawer and what happens, phone rings. Normally, we'd ignore it but my colleague, the Home Entertainment Initiate answered it. He put it on speaker and I heard the voice and panic gripped my poor, bedraggled mind. It was her.

She wanted to know if the box needed time to warm up.

Now, I really wanted to randomly scream the word "Fuck" and start telling the woman to return all the items and go live with the fucking Amish where she'd never have to worry about any electronic devices ever again.

I thought better of it and figured maybe I should go live with the Amish and seek asylum.

Our High Priest is rolling his eyes, our H.I. Priest is explaining that I'm not there and that there was really only so much that could be done and instructed her to stop in tomorrow. Hopefully, she does so before I have to be in...because quite frankly, I'm not dealing with it. I refuse. I will do anything for anyone but I WILL FUCKING NOT deal with this situation any longer.

Perhaps if I perform self-flagellation with a handful of speakerwire, The Lord of The Engines will have mercy upon me.

Then again, string me up and just lash the crap out of me. I'll hand you all a roll of thin as shit speaker wire and give you one full hour to just take your best shots.

Anything but another descent into TekHell...

BACK TO CYBERHELL DEMON!!!!!!!

User Error has never been so frustrating.

Episode 11: You're Experiencing Mechanical Destruction

Okay, I have a few things about which I feel the need to vent. Maybe one of you can make heads or tails of my predicaments or maybe you can't. If it doesn't interest you, cool, ignore it.

The Church of The Cathode Ray Tek Shop is where I work for a reason. There are things I know and some I don't. Chances are, if I don't use it often, I'll know as much about it as what you read on the web. Seeing as how we have God and technology sort of ass-backwards, I'm going to break it down to you in commandments.

1. Thou shalt opt for Divine Intervention plans.

This is the first and most important commandment of them all. Why? Because the rest of you teknoweenies don't know shit. If you're about opening the casing and fucking with the inner works, that's fine and I have no problem with that. You will, however, void the warranty and if you fixed your relative's laptop two weeks ago because it got fried in a power surge, wonderful. Guess what? I'm not fucking impressed.

2. Thou shalt not get irate with thy TekPriests:

Remember, we are the initiated. You come to us with questions, we may or may not give you the answer. We hold the power, you do not. If you don't have the time it takes to let us help you settle your tek issue, I don't want to fucking hear it. Stop by when you do have the time and don't get shitty with me and ask me "Do you actually work here?" The Lord of The Engines fucking HATES that and thou shalt suffer dearly for that. See, it's simple. If you're shitty to us, we have no reason to help you. Your money won't be worth shit. If you're patient with us and nice to us, we still won't go the extra mile. We'll go seven...for you...because you're cool with us.

3. Thou shalt not describe problems in vague terms:

Look, simply put. I don't know what the fuck you're on about when you want that wire that plugs into that thing at the back of that doo-hickey. If you don't think that you will be able to remember what the fuck you're coming in for, write it down.

4. Thou shalt pay attention:

This is amplification to the vague terms. If you didn't pay attention to what your cable guy said, don't expect me to know what the hell your problem is. He was there, I wasn't.

5. If thou hast found an item cheaper elsewhere, thou shalt politely excuse thyself and buy it there:

This is another bit of bullshit I have to deal with. I know that those high-speed HDMI cables are expensive and, if I could, I would just give you the one that came with my camera since I don't need it but I don't have it with me, you've been shitty with me and guess what? that HDMI cable that you're bitching about is only going to be the start of your issues. Got that, broheem?

High Def TV stuff was going to be expensive from the start and if you thought any of it was going to be cheap, thou art deserving of much laughter and ridicule. I don't give a shit about how much it is elsewhere, I don't work there and guess what, you have a choice to make. Sucks, don't it?

6. Thou shalt communicate with others when in doubt:

If you carry a cellphone but are confused about an issue from home, do yourself and me a favor...call the fuck home! If your significant other referred you to us and sent you to get something that you didn't write down, just call. It's the simplest solution to your problem and it helps me to help you. If you don't want to do that, fine, refer to the clarification on Commandment #3.

7. The number of days for a return shall be 30:

Wake up call, people, we give you thirty days for a reason. Past that, what we can do for you dwindles. If you really want to know what our return policy is, check out those reciepts. Yeah, that big fucking scroll we print up for you tells you everything. If what you bought didn't work within thirty days, bring it back and let us replace it or refund your money. Past that...well, I hope you followed Commandment Numero Uno or you can consider yourself in TekHell for comission of a mortal sin.

8. Thou shalt not be shocked at battery prices:

I shall explain. Cellphones and cordless phones have batteries that are fucking expensive. On the lower end, batteries for cordless phones run about $14 but can approach $30 on the high end. Cellphones have batteries that run as low as $35 but can reach up into the $60 range. Those little button cell watch batteries? Yeah, they can get a little on the pricey side because they run about $5 a shot. It's not quantum physics, people. Don't get yourself into a quandary. It's a power source and it will run out eventually. If you can't handle it, don't buy the device. I didn't price those so don't violate Commandment #2. Wanna know how to get batteries for free for a year or so? See Commandment #1.

9. Thou shalt not struggle with merchandise:

Okay, this is one that has us as TekPriests laughing at YOU. You see those big, beige hooks upon which certain electronic items hang? Yes, well, tug all you like...they're not comin off. I, however, hold your key to passage. I can remove it from said hook for you. Tug once, I shall forgive. Tug more than that and I reserve the right to think that you're the dumbest motherfucker to walk the planet.

10. Thou shalt observe hours of operation:

It doesn't matter if you see the TekPriests milling around inside. Let's observe some elements here. One may be counting the registers, another is cleaning a counter or a display. Hey, the lights...not all of them are on. Now, do thyself a favor and scan your watch. Does that time read the same or even later than what's on the sign? Through logical deduction, that would mean we're CLOSED! Tugging at the door once is forgiven. Not everyone can be observant that first time but the second and third makes me wonder how Natural Selection missed you.

Okay, now, onward to other things. The suspension on my truck was fixed and I thought that would be the end of my mechanical troubles but it wasn't. Keep in mind that work alone cost over $3K. Now, I faced a new problem. My primary flash drive began corrupting data left and right. I managed to save some of my pictures but I lost everything else...all my mailing addresses, letter templates, promotional info, etc, etc. Ready to know why? Well, it seems, I did a stupid thing. I kept the flash drive plugged in as I worked on the files...and kept doing that for over a year. Eventually, the circutboard warped and the data became corrupt. I was lucky to have saved what few pictures I did.

Now, let's go back to The First Commandment. Had I purchased this small device prior to my initiation/ordination along with the Divine Protection Plan, I could have it replaced. Problem was that I snagged it at a WalMart in Louisiana. I'm out my data and my hardware. I'm sure I have some of my stuff backed up somewhere but I'll have to search through my discs. If I do have it backed up, I'll have saved my writings. If not, I'm screwed.

New TekRule (Subcommandment #1:) Flash Drive - Plug In, Pull File, Pull Out...when finished...Plug In, Sync Up, Pull Out. Never Leave It Plugged In! Always Back Up Files!

I could have died when my data was lost. When it happened, I'm not sure. All I remember is thinking, "Why, oh why didn't I back that drive up a long time ago?"

Let's go with a quick breakdown. Lexar's Firefly drive was the one that failed on me. I have two of them. I'm not storing anything of importance to the second. According to some with whom I've spoken, Lexars have a history of failure. This is the only one with which I've had a problem, personally, but let's just say that my trust isn't exactly there. SanDisk makes a good flash drive (The Cruzer) and holds up pretty well under the stress but if you're planning on using it a lot, obey Commandment #1 for each of the flash drives you buy under that brand...you're going to need it. Kingston, I've heard, are the top of the line. The really shitty part is that I had actually picked up two Kingston DataTravellers at WalMart at only $5 a pop and thought they were inferior due to the price. Boy, was I wrong. Because of that, I've used them as standbys and not anything more. I just never used them much. Since I've already had one of the Lexars fail on me, I figured, why not replace it? Why settle for second rate when I could have the baddest of the bunch?

I went on to surf cyberspace in search of Kingstons as a means of data storage. I hit paydirt. A pack of four barely cost me $40 and they were in the range of 4GB per drive. I was in elation. The next day, I'd spoken with two other initiates and the High Priest about the issue concerning my troubles with storage mediums. I bought ten double sided miniature DVDs and split them with Misty. She hasn't had any trouble out of the flash drives I've given her but I'm not taking any chances. I offered to split the new drives with her but she only wanted one out of the four.

At least I settled that issue. So, let's break this down. RAM went to hell in my desktop, Suspension was fucked on my truck, the flash drive...Sometimes, they do come in threes.

Fours...forgot the PSP issue. Shit.

Now, final point to make...the economy. I understand that times are tough on everyone. I understand that there's not really much money to go 'round for people these days. That's sort of a given. There really are many ways out and I've advocated even some of the more insane methods but let's get one thing very straight. If you like your local Church TekShop staying open, we want to help you keep it open but you have to remember we need your help to do it.

When we make offers and you turn them down, we understand but you have to also understand something...when four locations in your area have failed to stay open past a certain length of time, it's not on us. It's not because we didn't work our asses off. We might have annoyed and even enraged you with our sermons on various devices but none of those are the reason the Church packed up shop. Church locations pack up and consolidate and you have to drive a little more out of your way because you didn't want to hear about anything we had to offer. Sure, I won't lie, The Council of The Lord of The Engines does need your money...and so do we. Yes, the offers we set forth are how we make that money but it is also how your local Church TekShop stays open.

The equation is simple when a shop closes down, another one opens and then the process repeats, it should be pretty obvious what's happening.

The best definition of the word Insanity is the repetition of the same actions and expecting different results.

Episode 10: Obsolescence

You've seen them on TV during movies like Interview With The Vampire or Law And Order. The accused sits at some table in the "interview" room. The two detectives walk in and what happens? They always press two buttons.

It sits there on the table like the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about...ever.

It sits there with a big window...and an even bigger speaker. What you see in the window are two small sprockets turning. One dark area shrinks as one grows. It's big enough to fit into a briefcase but not small enough to fit into a pocket.

If you have the image of a full-sized desktop tape recorder, you'd have it right. In The Church's hallowed halls today, one of those was launched.

Understand, I can take launching digital voice recorders that are slightly expensive. I can take launching microcassette recorders next to them or even the Walkman-style full-size cassette recorders but when faced with these relics, I simply could not believe that these things were still being mass produced.

I looked at them in wonder. I wondered who actually still used these things as limited as the storage capacity is. A digital voice recorder can take nearly hundreds of hours of recording seamlessly where you'd have to have a mountain of tape in order to accomplish the same end. A digital recorder will also allow you to index for later translation to CD which has a longer shelf life. They're also small enough to be fit into a pocket without much of a footprint.

I suppose that there are those who would prefer to go a little old school.

Me, I'm off to continue my world tour. Dead Man Walking just got their own jet to live their debauched little hearts in luxury.

Episode 9: Rock All Over Ya

New problem with the truck, it will cost me a little more but the destruction caused actually saved my ass. It was only by the grace of God that I got here and the Angel sitting where all my shit was piled into my passenger seat kept me on the road and out of a hospital or the grave...which is definitely where I would have ended up.

"I kept wondering how the hell that wheel stayed on," Al said, "Then John pulled your right side apart and there it was...the whole spindle had mushroomed to keep the bearing on."

Again, I felt the blood leave my brain and my heart drop into my ass. To think that the whole goddamned thing could come apart was too much to bear. I needed to sit down. Imagine, if you will, flying down the road with Van Halen playing and then CLANK, SCRAPE BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOOMBOOOM! FUCK YOU and it all goes away. Me, in the middle of fucking nowhere and busted up, bleeding, nowhere to turn, no one on which to call for for help. I'd have never made it. Night City would have been without my ass. The destruction of my spindle saved my life.

As I talked with my mechanic, I put forth my "crazy" idea to complete an A.I. Project for the truck, what unsettled me most was that he didn't write me off, he didn't call me or the idea crazy, he actually had a way that it could physically be done and proposed that I go for the five million dollar purse that our government offers to complete an off-road navigation challenge. That sounds vaguely like the DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) Off-Road Challenge that I'd heard so much about. If Pearl goes the way I hope that she does, I'll definitely go for it. Five million and alls I gotta do is drive. Fuck, just give me that chance.

Pearl should be done by Friday. I can't wait to see how she handles once the suspension/shock work is done.

Now, on to the gaming front. The new PSP's really kicking ass. Now all I need is that damn Skype headset and I'll be able to make calls from it. Now, check this out. Let's take a little trip into another world...

*************************************************************************************************

Boston, Massachusetts

Dead Man Walking took the stage. Steven 5 sported his new fauxhawk and strapped on his new Jackson Bass. Rikki Roxxorz had ditched the Nikki Sixx hair in favor of leaving it hanging in it's natural waves and took his seat behind the drums wearing skellies that made him look more like a member of the Misfits. Jon Black took his mic from the micstand and stood there, ready for the music to start and Angela Lockwood had lightly strummed a chord from her Jackson King V.

Then, it started. Steven 5 opened with the bass solo to Bon Jovi's Livin' On A Prayer as Rikki lightly tapped a beat. Angela opened up with her guitar riff as Rikki jumped into a beat that pounded of raw power that was to come and then Jonathan started to sing in none other than Jon Bon Jovi's voice.

(Look everyone, it's Rock Band, the game. You can create the band but the problem is you can't control their sound. Jon's even had the voice of Michael Jackson as a child singing with The Jackson Five. It's a New Jersey Thing, fuggedaboudit)

Each time the song built up, Dead Man Walking's flawless playing kicked the whole song into overdrive. The fans cheered and the heat was turned up. Each throbbing bassline was pronounced, each of Rikki's punishing beat blasted and each of Angela's chords became blistering. Then, as it's crescendo was reached, the band kicked it into overdrive again, their energy undying.

"Oooooooh we gotta hold on," Jon sang as the final buildup came after Angela's perfect solo, "Ready or not...you live for the fight when that's all that you've got!"

Then, the overdrive kicked in with explosive fury and Jon howled into the mic as though the music wasn't loud enough to hear of Tommy and Gina's plight. He wanted the pain to be felt and sympathized with. He wanted everyone to know the story of two people living in tough times. He wanted all of us to know...that we weren't alone.

Whooooooooooooooooa, we're halfway there
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOA-OH LIIIIVIN' ON A PRAYER,
TAKE MY HAND AND WE'LL MAKE I SWEAR,
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOA-OH LIIIIIVIN' ON A PRAYER

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOA WE'RE...

*************************************************************************************************

Right there, in Dead Man Walking's most perfect moment...the FUCKING BATTERY ON THE PSP DIED!

I wanted to howl and shake my fist at the gods for doing this to me. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! A great rock anthem like that that remains poignant to this day and you couldn't wait until it was finished and the autosave kicked in! YOU BASTARDS!

I couldn't believe it. I have never done this well and the fucking battery had to go right there at the high point of the song. If my percentages get fucked, I'm gonna hit GameStop to snag a Pandora battery pack for this bad boy. It's disgraceful and sick to die in the middle of a song like that. Fuckin' emo battery.

In other gaming news, I got back one of my most beloved games...Wipeout: Pure. This game is the best racing game on the market. If you have a gaming system and you remotely like racing games, get this one, fly right and you'll end up in some type of cybernetic ecstacy. Then, I went a little old school and snagged a copy of Midway Arcade Treasures. This disc has about 20 older Midway Arcade games including Paperboy, Rampart, Rampage, Xenophobe, and Mortal Kombat 1, 2 and 3.

Imagine that, me in arcade Nirvana. Not bad if I do say so myself. Although I did find out how rusty I am at Mortal Kombat today...as ashamed as I am to admit that, I did better at Spy Hunter than I did Mortal Kombat.

Anyway, I'm outta here. Once my battery is recharged I'm going to see if I can't finish out the set and get my Merch Girl hired. I got a band that needs money to tour.

Episode 8: Another Pothole In The Road...

I never have a complaint when it comes to transportation. I've taken it all. Cars that have no shocks, buses, planes, motorcycles...name a mode of transportation other than a pocket rocket and I've probably been on it. Space has been limited on some, on others, too much space but the one thing that I've never done is complain about it. Talked about it, sure, but never complained.

Pearl's been a great truck since I got her. She's been nothing less than a little powerhouse. The only problem that I've ever had with her is that some parts needed to be replaced from time to time. She was low-maintenance and when it came to Nissan Hardbody pickups, she followed the Indestructible model set forth for them all. I feel extremely blessed to have had her in my life. She's hauled stuff for me and even got me here where I never thought I'd go and, all the while, her speakers resonated with songs that were very near and dear to me.

I saw potential in her that I'd never seen in any vehicle I'd ever driven or owned. Pearl was going to sport an onboard A.I. at some point with a killer display of Kathy Ireland on a pop-up monitor to tell me in a very sweet voice when something needed repair or even give me that warm smile when I told her to just get me home and set the thing to autopilot.

Today dashed those hopes...temporarily. See, I'd scheduled an oil change and engine service for her at the local autoshop. I'd been a little worried about the suspension since the move. She worked harder than a hundred pack mules out of Mexico to get me here and I hadn't had the chance to properly give her the royal treatment as I'd been meaning to. For fact's sake, our relationship had been strained. I hadn't driven her except where I absolutely needed her and I secretly felt as though I'd neglected her, so I told Al The Mechanic to go ahead, check the shocks and suspension and see what, if anything was wrong.

We got the call this morning. I'd dropped her off the night before and left the key and hotfooted it home. I thought for certain that nothing could be that wrong until I got the call. The brakes were okay. The service had gone without a hitch but the shocks were damp, the CV boots were shredded, the wheel bearings needed replacing and packing and the suspension had so much play that there was no possible way that it would have passed inspection without repairing it first.

Ouch.

What made it worse...it would cost over Three Grand to fix it.

I wanted to cry. I'd put her through hell and now, she was paying the price. She was a rolling roadhazard and I didn't even know it. I thought that maybe that heavy load of my decimated possessions had caused this but the pressure from the load had actually helped keep it all in check. I felt like the lowest form of life on the planet for having done all this running with her.

So now, she's in the shop, still sitting there in the lot with her elegant and tough posture but I know that underneath it all, she's hurting and it kills me to see her in that state. At present, I have no clue as to how she'll handle the work. I'm hoping that, when it's over, she'll roll along like a brand-new truck off the lot. I won't really set my goals that high but I know she needs it.

I can already hear the cries of "Just Get A New Truck!" as I write this but understand, after all this truck has done for me, there's no way I can do that. It just wouldn't be right. I bought and paid for this truck when I left Louisiana. It's the first vehicle that I've owned that didn't just cut and run on me when the going got tough. She toughed it out for me and to bail on her now would be the worst thing I could do. It's not even an option.

Think back to your first car. It was in your name. You kept it up. You got into that thing and headed out on the open road to Destination: Anywhere and it didn't matter where you went or what you did, you just did it. When push came to shove, that vehicle was there and when it finally went, you felt like a part of you died with it. It wasn't just losing a car or a truck...that was the loss of a family member. So you did what you dreaded doing...you got a new one. It took some getting used to but you did and then, you formed yet another relationship but you'll never forget that first, will you? It's just not the same. It never will be. There will always be that void deep down inside and no matter how new of a model you get, it's just not the car with which you'd started.

Speaking of Mechanical Things, my PSP developed some spots on the screen recently that I can't get rid of. I ended up shelling out for a new one...the slimmer model that came with the game Rock Band and the movie School of Rock. Let me tell you something about Rock Band. I suck at Guitar Hero but you Guitar Hero Yayhoos have it friggin' easy as hell. You only need to be one member of the band. Me? I have to be all four, so the next time you start blabbin about your damn scores at me, expect me to pull some ballcrushing bragging. You have one position, I have all positions and until you can top that, screw your fake Les Paul. It didn't impress me then and it doesn't impress me now. I also actually play a real guitar so get some motivation and we'll speak about it then, kthnxbye.