Episode 40: Number One Contender

Right here, right now, I'm going to make a very important announcement to all of you.

As of today...I am announcing myself Number One Contender for the World Heavyweight Title.

See, CM Punk likes to talk about how Straight Edge he is and I have to say one thing...he's right. It feels pretty good. I barely drink, I don't smoke and each day, I'm attempting to make more conscious decisions regarding my health.

Why do I think I'm qualified? Because, like it or not, I am. The day the WWE lost Owen Hart was the day I lost someone very near and dear to me to a horrible drug called heroin. I'll never forget it. That day will forever be burned into my mind and, after well over ten years, that day still messes with me. There are still a lot of mental scars that will probably never go away and, in a lot of ways, I still feel like it's something I could have or should have stopped. No matter what I think I could have or should have done now, and hindsight being what it is, what matters is that I'm here now. I'm all that's left of that time and moment in it. Since then, I've been through a lot and the victories have been few but they've been epic in scope.

I spend each day trying to get people close to me to kick that addiction if they can because, well, I want them to wake up and feel like I do. There's really no feeling like it in the world.

Recently, I snagged an app for my iPod that tells me how long it's been and how much money I've saved. The money saved in just a couple of months brought to mind a replica of the WWE World Heavyweight Title at a little comic shop in a mall close to me.

I've made my decision to stay off the crap for life and on May 23, 2011, my decision will have led me to that title and I'll spend a small fraction of what I've saved in a year to snag it.

Why the World Heavyweight Title? Because fighting the monster known as addiction is one of those Iron Man Matches. It's a Hell In The Cell. It's a Steel Cage Match. It's an "I Quit" Match. It's a First Blood Match. It's an Extreme Rules Match. It's all of the worst and most grueling matches ever devised by humankind. It's the one match where rules don't apply. It's one of those By Any Means Necessary Matches and if you don't take it seriously and you don't prepare and get yourself ready for the inevitable victory...it will end the other way.

That is why I'm the Number One Contender. That's why I deserve it. I'm going to hang that thing proudly on my wall, right above my monitor and every damn time that Bloodsimple song "Dead Man Walkin'" plays...damn right...that monster will know it was me that did it. I did it for the friend and confidant I lost. I did it for Misty's mom who we lost two days after my birthday and for the dad she lost less than six months after that. I did it for their memories and, most importantly to tell that monster YOU MAY HAVE TAKEN THEM BUT, GODDAMMIT, YOU. WON'T. TAKE. ME.

Every victory will be decisive and instant.

Every year passed with loss will be unleashed.

Every night that nightmares played behind my eyelids will be the undoing of that monster.

The best part is...the monster is already undone. On May 23, 2011, the final nails in the coffin will be pounded in....hard.

But that coffin won't be mine.

"It's all about the game...and how you play it,
It's all about control...and if you can take it,
It's all about your debt...and if you can pay it,
It's all about the pain...and who's gonna make it...."

-Motorhead "Time To Play The Game"

Man on Fire: The WWE Becomes The WTF?

I've come to accept that the Attitude Era is over.

These days, I see that half the roster of wrestlers that I remember are gone. Many of the ones that are left aren't spring chickens anymore and the younger ones just aren't as controversial and now, the ones with whom I'd grown up have their kids wrestling these days.

But I have to ask Vince McMahon one thing. Is this the WWE or the WTF?

I mean, seriously, what the fuck? Am I going to have to watch football for some entertainment value?

Here's why I'm burning...the total shit writing. I know it's scripted. I don't mind that but look, what happened to the controlled chaos that even made me believe at one point that maybe the WWE had something different than just what I saw in the '80s. Reducing DX to a couple of pitchmen and a midget was pathetic. Now, even the bad guys have a long list of accolades that used to make up the heroes. What? Really? Are you serious?

So actually having standards is a bad thing? Is this really what you're trying to convey to fans?

Case in point: CM Punk and The Straight Edge Society.

Give me a break, Vince. Even YOU should have spotted this writing SNAFU. CM Punk, a man who doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and doesn't do drugs. Where's the problem? Well there is the overbearing nature of his character along with the newly-found god complex. Vince, you obviously have missed something very important...the fact that people that drink, smoke and do drugs will now do them twice as much and twice as blatantly. I've even given consideration to smoking again when he went on his tirades. Is this where you're going with it? If so, congratulations, you now have tobacco companies in your back pocket.

Case in point II: The All American American Jack Swagger.

Jack Swagger has a list of accolades far too long for me to list, though he'll be more than happy to list them for you ad nauseum.

Vince, seriously...why is this guy supposedly a villain? Whose decision was this one? The guy's a former Eagle Scout for fuck's sake! As proud as Jack is of all of his accomplishments, they earn him not one modicum of respect from the crowd? Come on, get real.

Vince, it's jacked up that I'm listening to the same "You Deserved To Be Screwed" and "Your Father Would Be Ashamed of You" bullshit directed at Bret "The United States Champion" Hart but what is more jacked up is that your lack of attention to what attracted fans to the WWE. I started watching because there was going to be Chaos and Disorder in the ring. I wouldn't know what to expect. I tuned in because I wanted to know, just what the hell was going to happen next. By then, WCW Monday Nitro had become predictable. It was how WWE won the Monday Night Wars even though they were way behind.

What's happened since the competition was gone? Well, we only have the archives to which to turn. Even Misty who has only been a fan for the past few months can predict what's going to happen. She's seen what it was like when Stone Cold Steve Austin was the face of the WWE and even though she missed The Attitude Era, she found herself wishing it would return.

Vince, get on the ball and waste no time, you have a product that is seriously devaluing and quickly. I've been seriously getting ready to bail for TNA on Monday nights.

Episode 39: A Hotel Room And Compromising Positions

I was sitting in a Taco Bell today, munching on a chalupa and trying to keep it down. I honestly believe that Taco Bell Corporation specifically uses the music they play as a weapon against their customers. Either you love it intensely or you hate it with a nuclear capability.

I'll go on record by saying, in case you hadn't noticed, I am of the latter persuasion.

Sitting there, I actually heard a song entirely constructed of the same line over and over again about, of all things...shining shoes.

Okay, over my near-decade in my former job, I learned how to shine shoes and do it pretty well but never in my life did I sit there thinking that it was ever song inspiration. To me, there were so many other social issues and things that were of personal importance about which for me to put pen to paper.

I know the feeble argument is coming that, had I indeed put pen to paper and composed that mindless piece of shit, I would probably be raking in those residuals and enjoying an early retirement but let's get a few fucking things straight.

1. Using auto-tune because you can't sing is a lot like running one of those telemarketing scams because you can't seem to get used to the fact that legitimately working is one way to stay out of jail. I understand that I can't dance but even if they make a fucking machine that will turn me into Michael Jackson, I still spare others the humiliation of having to watch me dance. Putting on floaties doesn't make you a good swimmer. Get it yet?

2. "Singing" the same thing over and over again is not a song. How about composing some lyrics? Challenge yourself!

3. The fact that someone wrote that 8-bit hunka shit and made money on it shows you that fools and their money are easily parted.

Look, if you think that I have no right to be so critical then fuck you, I do. Why? Because I'm part of a very unwilling audience. It's really simple to figure out. If you're eating lunch and a clown is dancing at your table and irritating you, then you're going to do something. Whether you'll just grind your teeth and bear it or you'll blast out his kneecap with the heel of your boot and then give him a nuclear kickblast to that stupid bullshit red thing they stick on their nose, you're going to do something.

Once I was out of Taco Bell with my food safely in my stomach and the urge to projectile vomit it directly into the street from the back of the parking lot abated, I actually thought about this at length. If I were head of any major music corporation, I'd call all talent scouts and their supervisors into a smoke-filled room with footage of the Zapruder Film playing for their viewing pleasure.

Once the back of Kennedy's head blows out and his head rocks violently BACKWARD. I'll pause the footage.

"Mr. Kennedy represents your jobs, gentlemen," I'll say as the lights come back on, "but unlike the assassination of our president oh, so many years ago, I WILL be the lone gunman. Anyone want to explain what the blue-ringed FUCK you're dumping into the music industry?"

After that, each one of these tag teams will have one hour in which to present a solid reason why I should keep them on the payroll and it had better outweigh the crap that made me want to hurl like a heroin addict going through withdrawls.

Enter: Justin Bieber

I just heard about this kid in the past couple of days. I had no clue as to who he was or why. I decided to sample a couple of his most popular songs. Seems talent scouts are getting lazy. By that, I mean they're now scouring YouTube and missing some people. By the way, when I say the word "kid," I mean it. After sampling a couple of his songs, I have to admit the kid's okay but he's the same thing I've heard from his adult contemporaries. He's got the girls coming after him and, to that, I say "Bravo...well done kid."

I won't crack on him because, quite frankly, he's got something his adult contemporaries don't...his young age. He's a novelty and soon, that novelty will wear off.

In Justin Bieber's case, here are the possible outcomes:

1. He has good people taking good care of the money he's making and he enjoys an early retirement.

2. He goes Corey Haim and really makes a douche of himself. After that it's a steady stream of arrests in seedy hotel rooms and compromising positions, tons of tabloid exposure and the "royal" treatment by the paparazzi eventually resulting in his death by overdose.

Let's hope it's the former and not the latter.

Look, Justin, it's really simple and it's really jacked up but you need to hear this...it won't last. Those corporate execs are done with you unless you can keep yourself unbelievably young and keep your music current. If you need to know what that kind of pressure is like, go check out Michael Jackson's history from cradle to alleged grave. He, like you, was a young music pop prodigy who was able to reach past his youth with it and carry it on as an adult but not without a side-effect that went into the realm of horror known as "pants-shitting." Play your cards right and you'll never have to work again but just one false move in that industry will cost you.

I can accept the fact that things didn't work out for me in the attempt to get a band together and get off the ground but I'm not bitter because at least I did give it the old college try. What I'm burning about right now is the fact that what I hear on pop radio these days consist of no-talent ass-clowns vying for viability in a market that's less effective than our government's "No Fly" list.

Is it any wonder why I'm more geared toward internet radio or shortwave? At least, for me, there's an alternative but let's talk about that for a second.

I'll concede that I didn't have to stay in that Taco Bell trying to choke down a taco or two but let's face it, with this kind of bombardment, is it any wonder why there's no more Popular Culture, Popular Music or Popular Entertainment? Now, the music, culture and entertainment has been completely taken out and it's just become Pop, a seething mass of amorphous hideousness that's being presented as the monopolies keep going within our music industry. While you're told what you are and are not to like by someone in a suit who wouldn't listen to it himself, you miss out on what could be helping you learn something and perhaps give you another opinion on a matter. Sure, it may be biased but what are you listening to now that isn't? You're the unbiased party, just give it a shot. You have nothing to lose, do you?

Me? I nearly lost my lunch.